The tears don't stop when I think of you,
Somewhere you don't look happy,you look blue;
Wish you'd just turn to me,
I'd kiss the frown away you'd see.
But you choose instead to look right through
Leaving me with nothing to do.
You sit in utter silence,
Overwhelming and intense.
Through it I can hear you screaming,
But you still won't let me in.
Babble of voices and laughing face,
Clinking glasses and matching paces,
And you quietly join in.
Yet in your head you're in different places,
And you still won't let me in.
Let me hold your hand,
Beside you I promise to stand,
Whispering it will be okay,
That you've just had a bad day.
That you'd always have me,
If only you'd turn to see.
But instead you look the other way,
And yet I try everyday,
Lovely boy don't turn the blind eye,
Somewhere everyday I die.
I hope someday you'll let me in,
Then we can together start screamin.
Maybe then we'll both find peace,
And in each other find our own release...

La Vita Bella

Counting the days.50 days to go.WWWWWWHHHHEEEEEEE!!!!

Madly Bangalee

So I have seen "Madly Bangalee" three times already. Man so weird. But good weird. The feeling that is.Not the film.Film was awesome.Loved every bit of it....well almost. But it was definitely a fun watch.But it's just so surreal....still coming to terms with those retards being on screen!!!Man!! It's strange to see the screen personas like that when I know them in reality...how does one bring about a balance? Stage is so different. It's easy to be normal after that but movies aren't. I prefer Anjan Dutt the actor to Anjan Dutt the director or singer. I think he's struck gold with these guys. I'm so proud of them. Feels good to see people my age doing what they love and being rewarded for it. I hope they go far....all of them. And hope it doesn't go to their heads!!! Lord how I'm gonna let em have it if they act all star-like!!
On a personal note....Yeahhhh!!! Tickets are here!! I'm going for sure!!! Also just have to mention that I love Adam Lambert!! Who cares if he's gay??!!! The boy has an unbelievable voice!! Damn!!! Wish he'd sing to me everyday....I'd keep him just for that!!! Note to self: Must Meet Adam Lambert Oneday!!!!
Okay....enough of rubbish....too hot to think...want one ta chilled!!!Miss some people. And some people always know just how to make me smile and feel genuinely happy.....am grateful for the littler things in life.Ti voglio bene. Tanti tanti baci mia sorella italiana...

Love the smell of the rain........


What a relief..........



I did kiss the rain.....

Sat on the ledge unexpectedly,
And you swept in with the westerly.
Because the sky was pretty blue,
I guess I fell in love with you.

Your hair fell over your eye,
And quietly pushed it away,
I opened my mouth just to say,
My world just passed me by.

Words tumbled out your mouth,
I drank each in without a doubt.
Endless thoughts escaping through the window,
Will you stay or will you go?

The wind blows westerly again today,
Should I go or should I stay?
Will the wind blow you this way?
Will my nights finally turn to day?

I wait for you patiently by the shore,
I wait for you ever more,
Till the west wind once more blew.
Maybe for somebody new...

As I Promised You

As I promised you darling girl....I'm being regular!!! You know who you are! But ofcourse I dint promise coherence!!!Khek Khek!
So then have been stuck at home with fever yet again....I think it's time I kiss my tonsils goodbye!!! Kolkata has gotten hotter and I believe hotter than Delhi. Damn!!The one thing we had!!!
The evenings are pleasant sometimes....like now.pretty breeze and good music....currently listening to 'What Goes Around'-JT. Hahahaha! It's the truth of life yo!I totally believe in it.Why think of revenge? Waste of time....karma will just kick ass for you!!! Just be patient.
I want a lion.....I want a visa....I want NYU....I want money(duh!)....I want to direct my own play....I want the best kiss ever....I want a friend like Joey....I want peace of mind....I want a 24 in waist(sigh!).....I want Johnny Depp....ok enough...
You know what I really want right now? A tub of London Dairy's Strawberry cheesecake icecream or R's Panacotte.....oh my kingdom for sweet somethings.....sigh.... think I'll just settle for a hug from my mommy...

isnt it strange that you happen to discover something and then all of a sudden everything related to that something just keeps popping up from time to time after that?All the while before it never even gave an inkling that it would make its way into your life and then bam!your life is spammed by it.Wonder what it is....is it our perception?or something we choose to ignore until it whallops us over the head?
I love AG.to be honoured or not to be honoured.strange how you miss the people right in front of you and someday you realise shit...i should have, could have....
Like this friend who I'm very ashamed to say I ignored but now in his time of crisis my heart goes out to him....we seldom talk but when I did hug him last he had tears in his eyes.Maybe he dint forget me after all.
Life's strange....just discovered yet another loss in my life....it's insignificant in a way but couldn't help bawl....to think I could have lost another sibling is killin. And I dint know for fucking 23 years of my oh so insignificant life.
I spend a lot of time at home these days.....I want to....dont want to be away from home....people find it difficult to believe that I choose to be a recluse.....but I feel safer at home.More loved.More peaceful.Too many variables out there who get to me and make me feel awful.They cant infiltrate my home.I'll never let it happen.
Never thot the day would come when I would not miss P.but never say never right?I'm growing up.I have to.I need to.
I thought adults were smarter and knew more and behaved more,well, adultlike. Guess I was wrong. Most of the adults I met are quite asinine.They behave more like children and lack common sense.So then in times of trouble where do we turn? To the twats that are the adults or the quacks that are the peers?Strange it is. I want someone who can provide the answers.But who?
Also I wish I could understand when people spoke in metaphors all the bloody time. Why cant they just say what they mean without making me want to tear out my hair and bang their heads against a very solid wall????Someone once said I was too stupid and didnt understand.I'm beginning to agree with him.
Man!! I want a change....from everything. I want out.

happy new year....

some how this year seems to be going good....finally im at peace with my surroundings...my soul is back....finally i have let go of things which I hung onto because I thought I should....finally im free from my shackles....finally my sunshine is back....finally i will clean out the filth from my life....only wish it was easy.... wish i wasnt wistful sometimes.....wish that i could curl up and stay like that without a care in the world but alas another year comes rolling in and I have to walk,skip and run through it like im supposed to.....cest la vie no?miss you my star....i wished upon you too many times and now I think I should let you go....watch over me because I may need you again to hold me.....I think i'll go sleep now...maybe when I wake up it will all be PEACHY!!!!

22

Someone told me that 22 is a very lucky number especially since I'm also a 1.Not that I believe in numerology or anything but it's good to know....makes me feel quite happy turning 22.
I had the most fun birthday ever and I realised exactly how crazy my friends are. Most definately a birthday I will not forget ever,especially with the photos and videos!!! My friend's mum said that it was nice to see that we were getting in touch with the children inside us.....though me thinks one particular friend was getting in touch with his feminine side!literally!!!Let's just say my para has now seen everything.... from jack sparrow to chaddi man to roxanne or ruksana.......man!!!People are indeed strange...well wacky!!!!A costume party at our age could be so much fun......didn't realise....Here's a big thank you to all my friends who were such darlings and such big sports.....and to those who weren't well.....you guys really would have had a lot more fun if you were in costume....trust me!!! Thank you so much you guys for making this a birthday I will never forget.....Love you all tons!!!

It's been ages..........so a random post.......it's been a rollercoaster ride these last few months.........still waiting to breathe...can't believe the year is almost over........so much has happened.....cause for tears, cause for never ending smiles.... some you'd like to forget, some you'd never want to.....dammit!!!!!!!!!!! new faces, new loves, new passions..replace old ones..and some old ones get worn out but u just can't seem to part with......so complex this life is.....but the year has been a balance so far and still 3 months to go...........let's all hope the balance remains!!!

random threads of thoughts...

Lord its been ages.....and so much has happened since.....
I realised that I'm a very angry human being.I don't show it often but when I do it's quite terrible.But I think I've calmed down now....was re-reading an old blog post and realised that some amount of anger has crawled under a rock.Good.May it stay there for a while. Some things are best healed with time and then seems inconsequential. So has a lot of things....
One thing that I learnt very recently that relationships are investments which are subject to market risks.I mean in every relationship we put in so much and only make just about that much progress yet that doesn't stop us from investing more.It's the crunch time when we realise 'oh fuck'. Said bye to a friend recently who I know for just about 6 months and yet cried buckets while holding each other at the airport.Why? I thought to myself that I'm not gonna invest in any relationship anytime soon.Just takes too much out of me. Life aint a bed of roses...it rarely even smells like one. But I suppose it's the hope of the missing fragrance which keeps us going.
On a similar note, talking about smells, memory and smell go hand in hand,everyone knows that. But today I realised even clothes do that.And movies and quotes and so many things.What's interesting is that the same thing that would bring a smile to your face,invariably is also things you avoid if something goes wrong. I know how many times I have not taken a particular route home just to avoid the happy memories flooding back to be painful.Does that even make sense?But time changes all that eventually.And maybe then you can go back to smiling when you hear or see or smell something familiar. These associations can completely mindfuck you but then you live with it.
Feeling rusty suddenly.........think I have forgotten how to write.I miss the days when words would just flow like the verbal diarrhoea I indulge in most of the time... anyway here's to getting back on my feet...in every aspect...

Have successfully gone out of my mind.Have not studied.Drowning in the sorrow of Arsenal's defeat and dreading meeting people who will add insult to injury.Tried to feel better by listening to Bonguly and T.V.Carpio's cover of The Beatles' "I Wanna Hold Your Hand".It's truly fantastic.Jiboney boddo beshi chaap.Think I'll just go to sleep for now and escape reality for a bit.

I hate liars and cheaters!Right now I feel like bashing someones head throw the fucking wall!It disgusts me.urrrrgh!!! It creeps me out.........how can some people be so blind to things.I'm too stupid i think for trusting people.Fuck you!Fuck you! Now the hurt is pure rage and disgust.If you ever cross my path God fuckin help you. A thousand baths and showers wont ever cleanse me of my mistake and a million baths and showers wont ever cleanse you of your sins.Fuck you! Fuck you! I rue the day I met you.Wish I had never. Wish you were never born.Fuck You! Feel like yelling at the top of my lungs....instead I sit here writing this and wishin that you get exactly what you deserve since you deserve nothing more than pity.Shame on you but above all shame on me.....
I realise this post doesnt make sense....it doesnt make sense to me either.Im just angry....soooooooo angry...feel violated and so angry!Maybe something I'll channel this anger into something productive.Till then I hope some people dont cross my path.....the war part of me has suddenly been awakended.....

My angel...
The only one who has always kept me happy...truly happy.

Someone(T) old me today that I had changed....and then someone(S)told me I should change.
Isn't that ironic?Same day and two people say to very different things.So then what really is real?(shit that sounds like one of shantanuda's lectures!)I agree with one and disagree with the other.I have changed but it's just a phase.Being the way T made me out to be is something im inherently not but something I had to adopt in order to survive in a way........to keep my sanity intact I guess.Being slightly more sensitive, I needed to be.Apologies to those who thought I wasn't being me and got caught in a whirlwind of things that did not involve them.Maybe soon I will return to dancing in the sand.....just seemed to have lost my rhythm for the time being.And as for S....for reasons I cant even begin to explain I won't change.Maybe it sounds weird when I try,maybe I'm thought as being very very retarded but keeping myself intact if most important to me.Come love,come friendship,come family.....acceptance.Accept me for who I am.I accept you for who you are.No one should change for anyone then essentially who the hell are you?Just when you think you know someone,you realise you never did.I agree that the only constant in life is change but not with the very things that tick.Some parts of me are just as basic as the air I breathe and I can't live without those things.Call them idiosyncrasies, call them what you will.At the end of the day I know I sleep happy.And the days I don't,I wonder what I did wrong......
Random thoughts, I know, but these days randomness makes sense to me.Logic is lost on me, I think but that doesnt mean that irrationality is the recipe for the day. God! I think I'm losing the thread here.......I think I'll stop....

And it rained fire.....

It's been a while I know and for some reason cant even pinpoint why.Maybe I've been lazy,maybe bored but I do know that busy could be one of the reasons.Maybe because for the last 4 months I have learnt to live.And it all came to a stupendous end.The roars,the applause,the feeling that I wanted to hold on to forever....I wanted to keep dreaming.....
I know I'll never really ever get out of 'Video' mode and I dont think I ever want to.Read what a friend had to say about it and that moved me more to tears.Part of me wanted to run off stage and sit with everyone and watch this masterpiece unfold in front of me and the other just wanted that adrenalin to keep pumpin so i could keep dancing to the beat of the dhaki's.Some things can never be repeated....trauma at ripon street during the riot scene,boudi's heart wrenching wail,dang's outstanding monologue,shambhu and D.S. as 2 halves of the imperfect entity called life or more specifically dreams......and I hope they can never be replicated.Just like the joy,the anger,the frustration,the dejection that we all felt during the 4 months.We pretty much lived with each other,brought out our best and our worst and above all accepted everything despite everything.This seems so general and blah but that's just it....I'm at a loss for words.I honestly can't think of anything fabulous or intelligent to say.I'm not even going to try and comment on the performances because anything I can say will pale in comparison to what actually was manifested.So I think I'll just say...'Wow'.3 letters....insignificant but it almost sums up what I'm still feeling and will continue to feel.I feel so small compared to the grandeur of Video........and yet so important and so proud.I thank Kanti and Tanaji for giving me Video...........for giving me a memory that I will guard fiercely with my life....
Didn't ever think it could take so much from me.........tears I shed were real,to be a part of something so breathtaking and this I saw without even seeing the play. Simon and Garfunkel ask "Is the theatre really dead?" and I saw quietly 'No not while people with such vision and dreams are around'........Inspiration is one thing and changing a life is something else.I think I fell in love in the course of Video....think I fell head over heels in love with the stage.I'm not an actor,I'm not a star but by God I love the smell of the stage.Standing at the edge,looking at an empty,dark auditorium after the last show,I closed my eyes and saw them all smiling,standing,hooting,applauding,appreciating......and I wasn't dreaming.....
I can go on and on about Video and maybe I will bore other poor souls about it for years to come but at the end of the day....that was the bloody two....

yeah! i love life again! it's amazing how some things become so important that you cant live a day without. i love my life. after such a long time i can say im truly happy. yes the usual downs are still there...people still tryin to fuck me over but the difference is that....let em try!!!! im so happy that nothin can bring me down. this is a random blog post but hey....my blog!!!i write WTF i want!!!
this year has gone by really fast.just yest i was having cha and shivering in JP and it's time again to shiver and embrace the warmth of cha/coffee!So much has happened.......a year packed wi so much emotion....i thought i'd be emotionally drained by the end of the year but for some reason im still goin strong.So many tears and laughs;lost tempers,lost friends;finding the old ones again;finding new ones.But above all I think this year i discovered myself.I'm not at all what I had thought myself tobe.......ya somethings won't change but shite!there was so much I didn't know about myself.I have grown so much this year.(uhhh as a person...just incase anyone thinks physically!!)2007 has been a turning point in my life.as the year gets ready to bow out gracefully,I know I will look back wistfully yet fondly....sigh........but as a friend says..."ei to lemon"!!!Here's to a better 2008!

KIDNAP!!!!

was kidnapped today by a sibling duo!!!swifted whisked away in a car, forced to have some burning liquid poured down my throat which tasted oddly like tea, and told that all nite i would be bound to them and drugged!!!!!!!!!!! imagine the fear, the terror, spinchilling episodes of torture....NAAAAAAAAAHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIii!!!! but then if some people just offer tea and H( the slighter safer one if u know what i mean!!!) u just dont say no!!!!!! smart gurl aint i???!!!
currently just blown away by the sheer madness of it all........and laughin for the last 15 mins with my captor did not make things any better!!!!!sitting here, writing utter nonsense somehoe makes full sense to me....just a few hours ago i was running away from a cyclone....or atleast the thot of one.......before that fucked up my thighs trying to get into shape!!(no wonder i dont gym....if losing weight was that painful...i'd rather gain a few kilos!) thus couldnt even run away from the cyclone in my mind(ooooooooooo pseudo antlami!!!! without even trying!!!this is good shit!)
anyway all in all i think rathr productive day.......esp since fever seems to be gone(keeping fingers crossed!!!) here's to the night!!!!

cha and adda

Hmmmmmm cha seems to be such an important factor in my life and I had never realised it.After a cha session today I was like "EUREKA!" or as Satra would say "CHAAAAAAAAA".Honestly that golden brown liquid with bits of leaves floating in it has been an integral part of almost everything important to me. So many faces have laughed with me over cups of cha;and then the faces change. Even theks change. I guess that's cause of the company. So many cups of tea; so many tea jokes, so many spilled glasses/broken glasses;lebu cha/doodh cha & prajapati biscuit. Times spent just chilling;relieving stress;doin prem;bitchin about people;making new friends; catching up with old ones;making up after fights.......the list is endless.No wonder I'm addicted to cha..........have drunk way too much for the sake of life and it's lil gifts.From mashi's dokan in Golf Green to Gate no.4 at JU;from the bridge to the mathh;from Sharma's to the Lakes;from 8B to Salt Lake....I've done it all....and it doesnt stop there.Current pitstop...Russell Dhaba. More laughing faces,more intense adda, and lots more cha......

Took a walk down memory lane today,
So many memories sifted through yet nothing to say,
A few tears shed amidst the many laughs,
A cigarette smoked and another half.....
Reading letters and cards of ages old,
Stories started and never told....
Of lost loves,lost friends and lost souls
Of being one and playing many roles.
It eludes me now-the innocence of it all
Like Adam before the Fall.
But I'm wiser now or am I?
I know how to be malicious and lie.
Was that what was different before?
Will that set me free to rise above and soar?
It works for so many,will it work for me?
Will I finally then be truly happy?
Even as I write this,I know that's not true
So many dreams and so little time to pursue....
Maybe I'm better of dreaming instead,
Lying alone,curled up in my bed.
Atleast there I'm me,
Not trying just to...be........