The polka dotted sky, the sweep of the brush

The light dances in her eye, The softest sigh, the quiet hush
A whispered goodbye.

It's the witching hour, the cauldron boils
The light flickers in her eye,
The sweet turns to sour, the joys to toils
A silent goodbye.

There is a calm around, the serenity abound
The light dies in her eye,
The tear stained ground, the empty sound
At last she can die.

    Been walking a lot these days...down the unfamiliar yet familiar road of memory. Some people don't get it. The question it and ask for explanations. I can't offer any. I don't want to offer any. I'm being judged. By the ones I don't expect to be judged by. How can it be wrong when it feels so right?

     Years rolled by and so did the tears and the laughter. We just to cry and laugh together and then we stopped.   Is it strange that now perhaps I want to laugh and cry with them? I love this warm fuzzy feeling inside which I thought I had lost. It's like finding a bit of me that was lost. I love going down that road. It isn't the same road or the same hand I held then but it isn't unfamiliar either. It's the ghost of christmas past in the present leading me into the future and I want to be lead. I want to be lead by them. I know that I'm in safe hands again. I hold onto them, promising to never let them go again. I have found me again. Suddenly at a loss of words. How can one put into words this feeling in the pit of my stomach which is slowly spiraling to my heart? I think somewhere I gave in. Insane bursts of joy and love. I'm aware of life. 

      You have done so much in such short time. You saved me from potential disaster. You breathed life into me again. You redefined so many things in my life. Am I stupid and presumptuous by wanting to jump in? Hang on... I already did. But the beauty is that I'm no longer sinking. Thank you is not enough. You will not understand what I am thanking you for but nevertheless I thank you. I let go of my safety net. I don't need one anymore. 

     Thank you P, R, U. Sorry for coming in late. But I'm so glad I came...

  

Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans....

Have been tripping on this song for days. I listen to it atleast 20 times a day. Such beautiful lyrics. I can happily die if someone wrote such a song for me. He doesn't even deserve it. Sean"Douchebag"Lennon-damn you!!!

I love you...always...don't forget. Forgive my mistakes. Because I still love you.Always. Don't forget

Un-fucking-believable!!! Today has been one of those days where I discovered things about myself. All my life I used to marvel at those who studied the martial arts and basically kicked butt. Certain techniques and moves always fascinated me. Breaking a block of wood was one such thing. I've had daydreams in which I was reigning queen who basically karate chopped and broke those things in a blink. Never really kidded myself into thinking I could...but always wanted to. And today that dream came true. The moment my heel came crashing down on the block and went through, it was such a shock. I believed that I wouldn't be able to do it but really really REALLY wanted to be able to do it. All the times I thought about it I couldn't. The one time I didn't obsess about it, my heel went through the board like butter. It is such an awesome high!!! Fantastic. I feel so proud of myself. I never thought I was that strong. But I guess there is still a lot I don't know about my own body. I'm simply thrilled at my achievement. Thank you Project OBO and thank you Sutapadi. Without you I would have never known this side of me.

I love this picture. I love the way this photo is so sexual and sensual. The way her legs are crossed and the way the light falls on the bed. And you can tell that she isn't just a pretty face. So beautiful.

Just watch her face...

I want to be the man in the picture.

I want to walk down this road. Sudden line of trees like the royal guard making way for a queen. =)

Lord!!! It's been so long. (I seem to have said this before and many times!) And yes a new year starts again. I'm chilled to my bone and loving it despite the frequents bouts of coughing. I love the sun on my back while the tips of my fingers freeze! I love the way the trees look in winter. Summer-I HATE YOU!!! This year will be one of broken hearts and wistful glances. I can tell. Already feeling the wave of nostalgia washing over me. Damn! 5 years...gone by so quickly. How? Where? When? How did I not see this coming? As usual I fell in love again. Always at this time I do knowing full well there just isn't time to love them. Each year I promise it will be different but it's the same vicious cycle. So I take this time to say..."Hello! I fell in love with you. But alas, I do not have the power to stop time and keep loving you. We will move on. I will move on. But I will not forget you. I will miss you. But don't know if I'll still love you. Forgive me for not finding you earlier. Forgive me for not seeing how much you meant to me. Do not know if we will be together again. But it was an honour."
I can almost hear the sound of her wings. She comes quietly but surely. I can see the darkness in the distance. I don't want to go. It's not time. Or perhaps it is...
It's cold.So cold. But the memory keeps me warm. I hope, no, I KNOW they will keep me warm when I'm at my coldest best. That is inevitable.

La Vita Bella

[I was rather pleasantly surprised that I managed to keep a journal during my stay in Italy.I thought I'd write for a couple of days and then get lazy but the beauty of that place is that you don't get lazy!!! I religiously wrote everyday....so here are some extracts from my journal.]



29/09/09 MODENA. 10a.m.

Finally feeling human! Do NOT like flying! Tailbone hurts.Food on flight was decent.Will drink on way back.Zurich Airport huge and gorgeous.Rome airport and Termini uber confusing and people are not helpful in Rome.Gave cig to strange Italian man and 10 cents to an Italian beggar(?!).Took the Eurostar to Bologna-fab train. Just like the movies.(I sound dehati!!). Reached Bologna; starving, tired and piddly!!!Waited for Eli(no clock tower mind you!A random art installation of a clock reading 10:25 not 10:10!!!My girl is just sooooo misinformed. Neither were the hotel landmarks correct.Apparently they changed in the one month she was in India!!!) Then she arrived with Caterina. Sweet girl, very pretty but what a voice! Weather is like in the hills. Days are like sitting on the bridge,soaking in the sun, on a winter's day. Night's are damn cold. Cate drove us to Eli's dad's where I met Davida and her Grandma. Cute boy! But doesn't speak English much. Then her dad....uff instantly like!!! In broken english he said hello and proceeded to say 'I'm your father' while meaning he's eli's father!!! Ate Gnoccho-pizza without the tomato sauce base with prosciutto(ham)! YUMMY!! At around 8 went to her mum's place which was basically head quarters. Now I know how she felt when she was here....ami kicchui bhasha bujhchi na. Lovely dinner of meat and ravioli with pumpkin(never thought kumro would taste this good)Also strangely the water is aerated.Strange to drink fizzy water but fun. Will get tired of it as soon as the novelty wears off.
In the afternoon Eli's mum took us to the city centre. We beautified ourselves in her shop where The Supersonics were being played on the PA system!Then Eli and I walked to the centre. Cobbled roads and paved ones. Musicians on street corners.We walked into Benetton...fuck!!! shoes for 60 euros!!!! Insane!!! Then for my 1st gelato!!! Eli picked out a combo of yogurt, cream, chocolate and muesli! Needless to say only the cream and chocolate hit home! Then to an Irish(?!) pub called Griffins-had my first Guiness. I'm not that much of a fan. Bought 1st Italian ciggies-Winston Blue.

Pearls and swine bereft of me
Long and weary my road has been
I was lost in the cities
Alone in the hills
No sorrow or pity for leaving I feel

I am not your rolling wheels
I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride
I am the sky

Friends and liars don't wait for me 'cause I'll get on all by myself
I put millions of miles under my heels and still too close to you I feel
Yeah

I am not your rolling wheels
I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride
I am the sky

I am not your blowing wind
I am the lightning
I am not your autumn moon
I am the night
The night

I am not your rolling wheels
I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride
I am the sky

Well I am not your blowing wind
I am the lightning
I am not your autumn moon
I am the night

I should be studying but just cant. Feeling sad.Didn't want to talk to anyone.But suddenly someone said to me "Blue jean baby...". And I was sent into a place I hadn't been to in ages. The times when music was what connected events and people. Still today I hear these songs and I can still see the faces, smell the green but above all I can still feel the love. Because that is what it was. Love. Perhaps for music, perhaps for each other, perhaps just for the night. But it was still love. I cant help smile as I hear the familiar notes playing into the night as I write this. And I cant help feeling thankful. Thankful for rescuing me tonight. Thank you for reminding me of things that I had forgotten. Thank you for being you. This one's for you SG. From being ridiculously bored at birthdays to listening to the same songs in the middle of the night as we sit in our rooms, thousands of miles away yet right friggin there. Thank you.

I Am
counting days.

I Want
to find what I'm looking for

I Have
a pain in my neck

I Wish
I had an Angel.

I Hate
some things

I Fear
people.

I Hear
nothing right now.

I Search
for soul.

I Wonder
why people are strange.

I Regret
not being assertive before.

I Love
my life.

I Ache
for good food.

I Always
love with my all.

I Usually
talk a lot.

I Am Not
a non entity.

I Dance
to anything.

I Sing
always.

I Never
go to the CL anymore!

I Rarely
go the DL.

I Cry
when I need to.

I Am Not Always
nice.

I Lose
no weight!Sigh!

I'm Confused
most of the time.

I Need
to study harder.

I Should
not be lazy.

I Dream
every night and remember them

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
I have a shape.

2. How much cash do you have in your wallet right now?
580

3. What’s a word that rhymes with DOOR?
four

4. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
Ma

5. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone?
Keeps changing.

6. What are you wearing right now?
black patiala and blue kurta

7. Do you label yourself?
huh?

8. Name the brand of the shoes you currently own?
Converse and other random stuff.

9. Bright or Dark Room?
Dark

10. What will your next purchase be?
Cigarettes.

11. What does your watch look like?
Black with white dial

12. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Reading Wintersmith.

13. What did your last text message you received on your cell say?
Something about calling mirna and reaching her place at 2.

14. What’s a word that you say a lot?
Fuck and whatever.

15. Who told you he/she loved you last? (Please exclude spouse, family, and children).
Bald Man

16. Last furry thing you touched?
LETO!

17. Favorite age you have been so far?
20,21,22...

18. What was the last thing you said to someone?
bye?

19. The last song you listened to?
Bittersweet symphony

20. Where did you live in 1987?
BC

21. Are you jealous of anyone?
not really.

22. Is anyone jealous of you?
Im sure!ITALY!

23. Name three things that you have on you at all times?
Phone, clothes and my rings.

24. What’s your favorite town/city?
KOLKATA!and bombay...oh wait...will answer this after ITaly!!

25. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it?
Last december to my aunt.

26. Can you change the oil on a car?
nope

27. Your first love/big crush: what is the last thing you heard about him/her?
That he was still dating a twat!

28. Does anything hurt on your body right now?
Neck

29. What is your current desktop picture?
The end scene of Video.Silhouettes of Shambhu and Dang hanging. Love that red in it.

30. Have you been burnt by love?
err....ya i ges.

Lesson learned in time

Errr....I think I will retire. Kids today are spewing Shakespeare, singing Dylan and watching Goddard. And what do I do? I spew nothing, sing badly and watch tv. I think I will retire.

The tears don't stop when I think of you,
Somewhere you don't look happy,you look blue;
Wish you'd just turn to me,
I'd kiss the frown away you'd see.
But you choose instead to look right through
Leaving me with nothing to do.
You sit in utter silence,
Overwhelming and intense.
Through it I can hear you screaming,
But you still won't let me in.
Babble of voices and laughing face,
Clinking glasses and matching paces,
And you quietly join in.
Yet in your head you're in different places,
And you still won't let me in.
Let me hold your hand,
Beside you I promise to stand,
Whispering it will be okay,
That you've just had a bad day.
That you'd always have me,
If only you'd turn to see.
But instead you look the other way,
And yet I try everyday,
Lovely boy don't turn the blind eye,
Somewhere everyday I die.
I hope someday you'll let me in,
Then we can together start screamin.
Maybe then we'll both find peace,
And in each other find our own release...

La Vita Bella

Counting the days.50 days to go.WWWWWWHHHHEEEEEEE!!!!

Madly Bangalee

So I have seen "Madly Bangalee" three times already. Man so weird. But good weird. The feeling that is.Not the film.Film was awesome.Loved every bit of it....well almost. But it was definitely a fun watch.But it's just so surreal....still coming to terms with those retards being on screen!!!Man!! It's strange to see the screen personas like that when I know them in reality...how does one bring about a balance? Stage is so different. It's easy to be normal after that but movies aren't. I prefer Anjan Dutt the actor to Anjan Dutt the director or singer. I think he's struck gold with these guys. I'm so proud of them. Feels good to see people my age doing what they love and being rewarded for it. I hope they go far....all of them. And hope it doesn't go to their heads!!! Lord how I'm gonna let em have it if they act all star-like!!
On a personal note....Yeahhhh!!! Tickets are here!! I'm going for sure!!! Also just have to mention that I love Adam Lambert!! Who cares if he's gay??!!! The boy has an unbelievable voice!! Damn!!! Wish he'd sing to me everyday....I'd keep him just for that!!! Note to self: Must Meet Adam Lambert Oneday!!!!
Okay....enough of rubbish....too hot to think...want one ta chilled!!!Miss some people. And some people always know just how to make me smile and feel genuinely happy.....am grateful for the littler things in life.Ti voglio bene. Tanti tanti baci mia sorella italiana...

Love the smell of the rain........


What a relief..........



I did kiss the rain.....

Sat on the ledge unexpectedly,
And you swept in with the westerly.
Because the sky was pretty blue,
I guess I fell in love with you.

Your hair fell over your eye,
And quietly pushed it away,
I opened my mouth just to say,
My world just passed me by.

Words tumbled out your mouth,
I drank each in without a doubt.
Endless thoughts escaping through the window,
Will you stay or will you go?

The wind blows westerly again today,
Should I go or should I stay?
Will the wind blow you this way?
Will my nights finally turn to day?

I wait for you patiently by the shore,
I wait for you ever more,
Till the west wind once more blew.
Maybe for somebody new...

As I Promised You

As I promised you darling girl....I'm being regular!!! You know who you are! But ofcourse I dint promise coherence!!!Khek Khek!
So then have been stuck at home with fever yet again....I think it's time I kiss my tonsils goodbye!!! Kolkata has gotten hotter and I believe hotter than Delhi. Damn!!The one thing we had!!!
The evenings are pleasant sometimes....like now.pretty breeze and good music....currently listening to 'What Goes Around'-JT. Hahahaha! It's the truth of life yo!I totally believe in it.Why think of revenge? Waste of time....karma will just kick ass for you!!! Just be patient.
I want a lion.....I want a visa....I want NYU....I want money(duh!)....I want to direct my own play....I want the best kiss ever....I want a friend like Joey....I want peace of mind....I want a 24 in waist(sigh!).....I want Johnny Depp....ok enough...
You know what I really want right now? A tub of London Dairy's Strawberry cheesecake icecream or R's Panacotte.....oh my kingdom for sweet somethings.....sigh.... think I'll just settle for a hug from my mommy...

isnt it strange that you happen to discover something and then all of a sudden everything related to that something just keeps popping up from time to time after that?All the while before it never even gave an inkling that it would make its way into your life and then bam!your life is spammed by it.Wonder what it is....is it our perception?or something we choose to ignore until it whallops us over the head?
I love AG.to be honoured or not to be honoured.strange how you miss the people right in front of you and someday you realise shit...i should have, could have....
Like this friend who I'm very ashamed to say I ignored but now in his time of crisis my heart goes out to him....we seldom talk but when I did hug him last he had tears in his eyes.Maybe he dint forget me after all.
Life's strange....just discovered yet another loss in my life....it's insignificant in a way but couldn't help bawl....to think I could have lost another sibling is killin. And I dint know for fucking 23 years of my oh so insignificant life.
I spend a lot of time at home these days.....I want to....dont want to be away from home....people find it difficult to believe that I choose to be a recluse.....but I feel safer at home.More loved.More peaceful.Too many variables out there who get to me and make me feel awful.They cant infiltrate my home.I'll never let it happen.
Never thot the day would come when I would not miss P.but never say never right?I'm growing up.I have to.I need to.
I thought adults were smarter and knew more and behaved more,well, adultlike. Guess I was wrong. Most of the adults I met are quite asinine.They behave more like children and lack common sense.So then in times of trouble where do we turn? To the twats that are the adults or the quacks that are the peers?Strange it is. I want someone who can provide the answers.But who?
Also I wish I could understand when people spoke in metaphors all the bloody time. Why cant they just say what they mean without making me want to tear out my hair and bang their heads against a very solid wall????Someone once said I was too stupid and didnt understand.I'm beginning to agree with him.
Man!! I want a change....from everything. I want out.