Goodbyes have never been easy. And this has been the longest goodbye. Or does it qualify as being goodbye when it's about a month long? The last 30 days have been the most perfect way to pull out of a never ending hug. From the chilled out moments in Delhi, to the whirlwind in Kolkata, to the gut wrenching speeding up of time in Giridih...I have loved it all. And yet while it seems like goodbye and it tastes like goodbye it does not feel like goodbye. The hopeless in me keeps clinging on to the fragments of the rapidly disappearing wisps of time. There are moments in the last one month that I will treasure forever. And what amazes me is how equations that have been a certain way steadily, change in the blink of an eye. Guess that's why we create these bonds. To be able to love so much and hurt just as much....with a smile on our faces.

I love you doesn't even quite sum up how I feel. I miss you won't do justice either. We are pure :) You are mine. Guess that should be enough. Coz that's all I have.

Yeah so I guess I needed you. And guess I don't need you anymore. Atleast for now. Maybe again soon I'll need you. But for now I guess I need to move on to a newer need. Doesn't mean I'll never need you. Who knows? Maybe you're the need I want but can live with or without. :)

"Some things last, she thought. Some ordinary things. Like love."


Here's to all those I truly love...

Happie

      Delhi has been most beautiful for the last 48 hours. The sky looks like it's about to break into tears yet the wind keeps wiping the tears away. And it is B E A UTIFUL!!!! And where else to find myself but my happie place?It's almost as surreal in the evening as it is in the dead of the night. At 2 a.m. the yellow sulphur or halogen (not quite sure which) lights that line the sides of Rajpath just seem ethereal. India Gate at one end and the Parliament at the other-seems like such a long walk. But it is undoubtedly the most beautiful stretch I have ever walked down. Does not matter what frame of mind I am in, the minute I'm there it's all happie. Not happy but happie. Not too many people will even understand the difference but for those who do... :)
       As I sat on the grass and looked down the road to India Gate, there was such a surge of happiness and love. It hit me long and it hit me hard that I'm so settled in this once-upon-a-time-alien city. This is my home now. I am from Kolkata and forever will be from Kolkata but I live in Delhi. And I love this city. It has become my city. It might not have accepted me as a Dilliwali and secretly I'm happy about that (makes me feel less guilty about cheating on Kolkata), but it is mine now. Maybe it's cause of my happie place or the people life threw at me, but it's made sense. All of it. I now understand why people fell in love here. Cupid targeted my ass and how. I think I'm still walking around with that arrow stuck to my rotund posterior. (And all this I thought of while sitting on the grass at 2 am, quite intoxicated.) My mid night sojourns to India have been beautiful. The lanterns burning, the guards in perfect sync and perfectly still, the dogs rolling in the dust and chasing their tails, the silence that is so comforting and of course the Gate itself. I read and re-read the inscription every time I'm there. And always get goosebumps. I have sat and read the names etched in the stone and thought of all those who died fighting wars and ended up being names on some granite. It is Romantic on some level but also so pointless. It's probably silly but silly and crazy is good. I have sat there, looking like an idiot with this perpetual smile stuck on my face. Che bella! Amore! It is love...dont think anything else fits that perfectly.
    To walk around India gate, with the wind dancing with my hair....I've never found it to be still- Shob shomoye ekta hawa kheleche. I often think what it would be like if all the lights were extinguished. Phoo. All is hurtling in the blackness of the night. I'm sure I'd still find no words to describe how beautiful it would be. Someone told me I'm obsessed with the place. I nod vehemently and will keep saying it's my happie place. Whether I have been there with people or not, a part of me has always been alone there and that's what I absolutely love. My mind wanders even when I am with people and goes to unchartered territory and I cannot control it. And I don't mind that at all. I always have a song in my head and it keeps making sense. Harmony amidst madness, I think it is. But I are not dukkho anymore. I am happie and have found love. <3
     

Almost everyday on loop. It makes perfect sense...

Look back in silence; the cradle of your whole life. 
There in the distance, loosing its greatest pride. 
Nothing is easy, nothing is sacred. Why? 
Where did the bow break? 
It happened before your time. 

There were people there, lovely as you've ever cared. 
Tonight. 
Baby you can start again. 
Laughing in the open air; have yourself another dream. 
Tonight. 
Maybe we can start again. 

Only the young can break away, break away. 
Lost when the wind blow; on your own, ohh.. 
Only the young can break away, break away. 
Lost when the wind blow; on your own, ohh... 

Mother its cold here. Father thy will be done. 
Thunder and lightening are crashing down. 
They got me on the run, direct me to the sun. 
Redemption keeps my covers clean tonight. 
Baby we can start again. 

Only the young can break away, break away. 
Lost when the wind blow; on your own, ohh... 
Only the young can break away, break away. 

Lost when the wind blow; on your own, ohh... 

And the sun will shine again. 
And the sun will shine again. 
Are you looking for a sign? 
Or are you caught up in the light? 

Ha.....ha.....ha.....ha....ha. 
Ha.....ha.....ha.....ha....ha. 

Only the young can break away, break away. 
Lost when the wind blow; on your own, ohh... 
Only the young can break away, break away. 
Lost when the wind blow; on your own, ohh... 

Only the young can... 
Lost when the wind blow... 
Only the young can... 
Lost when the wind blow... 

Ha....ha....ha....ha....ha. 
Are you caught up in the light? 
Ha....ha....ha....ha....ha.

"April is the cruellest month"

The last month has been nothing short of my world spinning madly on. So much has happened and so much has changed. I have been jumping on a trampoline as far as my mood has been concerned. I ended up shocking and surprising myself. Somewhere I have grown. Or is that how I want to explain it. Perhaps I am infact becoming cold. I know I have not lost the ability to love or feel but I dont feel the same things I used to. The things that were so familiar. 2 weeks of travelling. Going home was meant to feel right and on some level it did but so many strangers I encountered. The faces I could read like the back of my hand were all strangers to me. I feel nothing. What makes it worse it that I dont feel like its wrong. Home gave me the love I was missing but somehow I dont think I was able to give the same love back.

The hills saved me once again. It breathed life into me. Sitting under a million stars, feeling like surge of the cosmic energy. One of the most significantly surreal moments of my life. Cant remember the last time I had such an intense night. Not just because of the energy surrounding me. It has been a while since I spoken to anyone about God, religion, spirituality, love, the universe. And that too to two perfect strangers. And we sat and swapped stories and lives for a while. Put ourselves in the other's shoes. I know a lot changed that night and I will take away a lot from that night. I grew up a little more I think. It's amazing what the mountains are capable of. I cant wait to run back there again. This month has been significant in my life in more ways than one. Perhaps it has been the cruellest month. It helped me shatter so many comfortable bubbles.

Ticking of the Hourglass

Got myself a new pair of shoes. One of those sneaker type thingies. Or is it one of those flipfloppy thingies? Anyway it's helping me breathe easier. It really is amazing what a good night's sleep and a new perspective can do. I've begun appreciating the new shoes. I think I can deal with all types now. From the brand new shiny ones to the really old, faded, torn and well worn ones. From the sharp stilettos to the blunter wedges, from the strong boots to the flat ACGs, from Oshos to ballerinas. I think I'm beginning to understand them all. Some just fit like a charm. Some you need to break in. And some, no matter how much you try and want, will never as good on you feet as they did on the rack. Perhaps that's where they are best appreciated and appreciate I will. =)



I love how I frustrate me,
I love how I rarely see.
I'm still chasing my tail,
Still waiting for my mail.
I love how I still manage to shock,
I love how I load and lock.
I'm still dancing in the sand,
As the hourglass flows in my hand.

Damn I think I have forgotten how to write. I have no words. So I think I'll just borrow someone else's.

"One day I will find the right words, and they will be simple." Jack Kerouac

I'm listening to a piece I have never heard before and have no idea who it is by.....at my request to want to get completely mind fucked I have been given this....It's hauntingly beautiful and sad. Guess that fits the mood...

Is it half empty or is it half full?
Or is it just the glass?
Is it about the push or is is the pull?
Or is it just something that's meant to pass?

Do we take a bite or do we throw it out?
Or do we not even pick it up?
Do we stay silent or do we shout?
Or do just pass the cup?

Take a swig and swirl it?
Or gargle and spit it?
Are we meant to swallow?
Are we meant to be hollow?

Vow abstinence or take a hit?
Should we stand or should we sit?
Should we walk around the park?
Or sit alone in the dark?

Choices must be made,
Promises must be laid,
Keep it or break it,
But you can't escape it.

This is the truth, this is life,
Kisses like rain, cuts like a knife.
Hate it or love it,
But you can't deny it.
But you can't escape it.

A new year in full swing...already 3 months down. And even in that time its been such a crazy rollercoaster ride. There are days when I'm laughing my head off and others when I just want to crawl into a hole and cry myself to death. Nearly everyday I hear about someone or the other with terribly ill health, breaking relationships. I'm still trying my level best to keep afloat but let's face it...damaged goods are meant to go under and occasionally surface. I hear the sound of her wings and flinch. Wonder what she wants now...I can never tell why she comes till it's bloody in my face. She brought me more damaged goods. Threw them at me to sift through and decide which ones are the most affected and which ones can be passed over. Still deciding...
It was so perfect for a while. So perfect. And in the perfect moment I knew it was jinxed. And I'm always right. Yeah so I'm hurtling down at break-neck speed but everything else around me is and even that is not good. It's started spiraling again. I feel like I'm on stage again but I don't know the script and someone else is controlling my every move. Moments of hubris and aidos and eros and philia and eudaimonia create and destroy me. Faith falters. But must push through. It still beats, I still feel. And don't want to lose that. Don't want to be the kind who denies being in pain or pleasure. Will embrace both. But surely I'm allowed to fall sometimes right? So I'm choosing to free fall now. Let's see where, when and how I land.

As someone once very aptly said..."Fug the lug". =D


And so it shall be done....


And so it has been done.....


(psssssst....ok so Im not totally hating the red. But then again what do I know? I'm purple.) =)

Having the most surreal weekend so far. Spent yesterday walking around in JNU, climbing rocks and reliving someone else's college days...realised I missed mine too and it got me thinking whether things will have changed when I go back to where I became me. Perhaps change is a good thing but question is whether we are really ready for it. Was just talking to someone about how Flury's is no longer what it used to be but it's not that it's a mediocre place but just that Flury's used to mean so much more. It was the entire idea behind the entire Flury's experience and not really about Flury's and the quality of the meal there. It's even in simple things like forgetting about the zoo or Nicco Park. My mum seems to be re-living her childhood...she has spent her winter days going to the zoo, Nicco Park and Victoria Memorial and all of a sudden I'm so envious of her.
Coming back to surreal weekend...yesterday was spent in a daze...could be a nicotine withdrawal I was having or maybe because I just wanted to be spaced out. I took a long bus ride and didn't even mind it. And it wasn't even the new swanky bus but the old DTC bus. I know I was looking out the window but nothing really registered...everything was a hazy blur....just a million colours swirling together. Perhaps that's what an acid trip is like.
Today started even stranger....woke up early on a saturday morning and couldn't go back to sleep and had a bizarre dream. Been having weird dreams-about such unlikely people, in unlikely situations. Something my subconscious is fighting quite a battle and I'm oblivious to it. Sat and watched A sleep and thought that someone had found peace, even if only for awhile. Somewhere something doesn't feel right. Perhaps I have identified the demons, but unsure of how to deal with them. Spent the day with A but it wasn't her. Or maybe it wasn't me. I feel like a caterpillar changing into a butterfly only not so beautiful. It's more the cocoon than anything else. And again I've begun to ramble. The cesspool in my head is at its best. I suppose the only clarity I felt was sitting in front of the Gohonzon and chanting for half an hour. For that time I felt free and at peace. I need answers...need to figure out the issues....need freedom....or is that it what I'm looking for? Perhaps in a few days it will blow over. Or maybe I need to be blown in the direction the cold north wind takes me.

Once upon time in a land not so far away, lived a princess in her palace surrounded by a moat. Every time she cried it would rain and the water in the moat would rise. The draw bridge would go under water but her loyal subjects would brave it and visit it. She was truly loved. The winters saw the palace lit brightly and the voices of the merry folk, singing and laughing into the wee hours of the night. And she was happy. It was a ritual of sorts. She did not know any different. The furthest she was ever used to was the vibrant kingdom of scholars, musicians, gamblers and mary jane. And that was her world. The Queen Mother had pretty much relinquished power to her and being young, naive and sometimes a brat, she would abuse the power more often than not. Balls and dances were a routine in her life and she knew no better. She was in no hurry to grow up and dreaded the day she would be expected to be 'responsible'. Not for her people but for herself. Her closest friends, especially her Knight in waiting, too thought that this cushioned life would be forever. But one by one, her friends left...to go to other kingdoms to rule over,in the eternal quest for knowledge and perhaps even to find themselves. Her loyal Knight left too...to a land from where he would not return. Suddenly her perfect world was thrown into turmoil. Somehow she knew...it was time. Perhaps her subjects had willed it, perhaps fate had destined it. Into exile she must go. Far away from the one place that she knew to be her own. This was her quest. So she packed her bags...and realised that her entire life almost fit into 3 bags. What did she really have to show for her existence for all those years? Scared, sad and unsure she stepped out of the palace and got into the carriage which would take her to her new 'home'. She turned to take one last look at to the life she was leaving behind. The life of comfort, pampering and security. But what she saw made her smile. Her friends, the Queen, her subjects and the invisible Knight looking at her, encouragingly, wishing her well for her new adventure. Their confidence comforted her. Perhaps she was ready. And she realised that all the things she was leaving behind would remain while she found new things to embrace. She would not be alone. They were there as were others waiting for her. She would find joy, security, independence, perhaps even love. She boarded the carriage and was whisked away, not knowing when she would return. But for the first time she was not bothered by it.

As she sat in her new home, in the dead of the night, she remembered all those who make her life complete and worthwhile. Perhaps the balls don't happen anymore, perhaps she isn't naive anymore, perhaps she now knows what it is to depend on herself and be free. Or perhaps it's just the love that keeps her pushing forward...

Miss you....A,M,N,J,P,C,R,P,A,S,R and M. And thank you. For making me who I am today. I'm no longer a stranger to myself.

Rage. Geyser doesnt work. Metro not on time. Couldn't read what I wanted to. Misunderstanding. Boss yelling. Literally jumped over someone and into the metro. Daydreaming on the metro and nearly forgot to get off at my stop. Pushed around and poked and socked in the eye in the bus. Depleted account. Daniel Powter saying "So you had bad day..." made me smile. Illustrator behaved. Lunch with colleagues. Long weekend. Chance meeting with a friend. New haircut. Maggi made by my best friend. Comforting conversation with someone who understands be so well. Catching up with old friends. A familiar goodnight call.....yup. My last 24 hours have been eventful.

Sometimes I just wonder....what took me so long?

There is something so beautiful about people laughing. Whether it is intoxicant induced or otherwise, when people laugh, and I mean really laugh, something good does happen to the world. In that moment everything else is forgotten...the worries, the sadness,everything that possible makes up the rest of the day. Today I laughed like a maniac surrounded by beautiful people who were laughing from their souls and it felt so bloody good. I also experienced love. The kind of love that inspires and makes you feel like there is something so wonderful about the world and that is what it should be all the time. Somewhere I felt like I was invading something sacred and wished there was a way I could slip away and let that aura just continue....but I'm so glad that I could feel the overwhelming effect. So here's to the two individuals who have so much love for each other and so much love to share.Am blessed to be a part of the domino effect. Somehow that just increases my ability to love, every single day.=)

She smiled to herself as she slowly disconnected the modem. A long night ahead. Silence surrounded her which seemed so comforting. Suddenly the glare of the computer was gone and she was plunged into darkness. The familiar sense of the dark overwhelmed and she continued to smile. She closed her eyes and imagined the stark difference in what life had thrown her way. Black and white. A bright light emanated from her soul and for once she didn't crave for the darkness...

The phone beeped into the night and she just gazed at the blinking light but did not move to either answer or cancel the call. It would stop eventually. The name flashing on it made her smile some more. She probably should answer it but for once she'd give it a miss even though perhaps this was the call she was waiting for, for so long. The light stopped blinking... it beeped once more indicating a text message. She put out her hand and read it. The service providers obviously did not believe in the concept of sleep at night. Just like her. It beeped again. This time she was not disappointed. She smiled and went to hit delete. Something stopped her. She thought long and hard about what to reply with. In the end...she would succumb. Best to hold out while she still could. She put the phone down and looked to her left and smiled. She bent down and kissed his forehead. She loved him... of that there was no doubt. She'd given up so much for him and have never regretted any of it. He stirred in his sleep and sighed. She'd always thought he looked almost angelic when he was asleep. She could have sat there all night watching him sleep. Infact she had done so on so many occasions. Just to hear him breathe. Watching as with every breath and every twitch he was dreaming about the perfect world. She dreamt too. But she'd always believed she has her perfect world. There was nothing more she could ask for. She had it all. She kissed his forehead again and that familiar flipflop in her stomach happened all over again. There was such a strange feeling in her heart. She could feel how much she loved him and how much he loved her and it was truly enough. She reached out and picked up her shawl and draped it over her shoulders and got out of bed. It was 3am.She walked to the verandah. The december air slapped her face but she didn't feel the cold at all. She stared out into the darkness and it struck her how dark it truly was. Ordinarily the moonlight, even with the moon behind the clouds, was enough for the tall buildings to cast a shadow. But tonight it was pitch black and deathly silent. She turned and walked in. She stood at the foot of the bed and watched him breathe, watched him dream about his perfect world. She went to the front door and opened it and stepped out. She stood there for a moment, and looked back inside. She smiled. This was her perfect world, where everything was exactly how she wanted it to be. She shut the door behind her and the darkness of the night engulfed her...

New File

So I'm sitting in my room...in my house...sorry...my NEW house. And it's so surreal. Most people when they take the plunge I did, look forward to it with such enthusiasm and excitement yet I chose to look at it with apprehension and trepidation. I kept thinking about all the things I was leaving behind and just refused to look at the things that I would gain. I firmly believed that only my past really meant something and this city was taking it all away. Yet another reason to hate this city, I thought. But yesterday, as I made my way to work crossing India Gate, I suddenly felt goosebumps and realised how beautiful this city looks on a crisp wintry morning. It was cloudy and cold and yet I felt so warm inside. I realised that I was in love...
Immediately felt guilty that I had let down my home...that I had taken up a new lover and cheated on the one who had been by my side for all my life. Guilty pleasure. If one can be in love with two people why not with two places? Yes maybe I have not yet made my peace with the loud, aggro, reckless, insensitive people around me, and I want to scream at the amount of aimless wandering I must do to make my way HOME yet there is something so beautiful about this city. If Kolkata has heritage and culture and intellectuals, Delhi has history, a sense of pride and overwhelming smell of power. And I inhale hungrily. Yes it does help to come home to a the same smiling face I have adored for the last zillion years. But then I'm beginning to appreciate the newer smiling faces, knowing that once again I will be able to say the same about them after the next zillion years. Had I moved to a place where I knew noone and nothing, I'd probably want to curl up and die and I was convinced I'd feel like that here too but I don't. I know I'm taken care of. By ones who've been through the shit with me and the ones who will. I know I will not go hungry, sleepless or unloved. What more could I ask for? So I let go of my prejudices and embrace the whirlwind that is Delhi. I see a long lasting love-hate relationship with a place that will be home for this new chapter of my life. I shall stop being scared.
Kolkata, I love you and always will.... But it is time to fall in love again :) And fall in love I will.
Thank you for all the fish... :)

For Snugglypoppykins

So basically while I sit drumming in the jungle, I get scolded for not updating my blog. So basically you're a Devil Woman.So basically I will try to make someone happy. So basically this one's for you. And I need to stop saying 'so basically'. But it would help if I knew what to write about. A little nudge in the right direction. Anyone??
So basically I realise that what ever I churn out will not make me happy coz I've been ODing on Allie and after that realised I can't write. Ohk so won't be THAT harsh on myself....but you get what I mean right?? You!! I'm talking to you!!! Yes you!!! After all this is for you.
So.........the other day my office got a call for a consignment of drums. Oh wait. You know that story. :( Okay.... tap tap tap....drum fingertips....(note how I used the word drum???!!) Ohk so I was delirious after taking painkillers yesterday....No.Hang on. You know that too....(end of my tether I'm reaching I tell you.) Ummmm....so today my office loo has no water....dammit...I told you that din't I??? I are sorrow.
So okay...let's make up stuff to entertain you.....I flew on my unicorn to work today. Yes he can fly and no he still does not have a name and yes he's a he. He's mine. I decide. You can't make me do anything...especially since I CAN feel my forehead. (yessssssss managed to fit in one more victim). Yeah so basically  (oh no!! it's a disease I tell you...no...wait...ombol.) Yeah so where was I??? Oh trying to entertain you....(my boss just totally loves me....I'm on FB, Gtlk and Blogging all at the same time!!! Yeah SALARYYYYYY!!) Did you know some said that Minu was panting and when asked why Minu said "Cause I just came." I couldn't stop laughing. Yes I know I'm being a 12 year old. But if you knew who said it you'd understand the humour. Pssssssst...call me and I'll tell you.( and for some reason 'Fear of the Dark' has been playing on my Ipod and I dint notice or change it cause I was so busy writing this. Seeeeeeeeeeeee how much your reprimand meant to me???) Okay...now I'm seriously running out of things to say..... so maybe this entertains you for a bit while I go look for my brain which seemed to have rolled off somewhere. (Did you know Brian is an anagram of Brain??? of course you did...long live BSB!!!) :p okay so now I go to eat lunch (hunger could be the reason why this post is so random...but don't you just love random rambling???) *Exit. Chased by hunger.*

Faith

It's been more than a month....and so much has changed. And in the best possible way. I found something to believe in. I found faith again. A lot had happened which shook my faith and my cynicism got the better of me. But in the last one month I found one of those missing pieces in my life. I think I was always meant to embrace the life I was leading but it had to be at the right moment. Since then, there's been no looking back. I fret a lot less and let go of so many things that used to hold me back. I'm changing. Everyday. Every single second. The beauty lies in the fact that it was all there and I'm slowly beginning to realise that. And it makes me happy. I've stopped being completely cynical but know that there still is some purging left to be done. But I'm not worried. I'm confident it will happen.
It amazes me how some people just randomly enter your life and without even meaning to make YOUR own life a lot more meaningful. And then there are those who have always been there but we didn't really think that we could ever be more than acquaintances. How our preconceived notions get shot to hell and we are left wondering "How did not see this before?" Now I accept the fact that we make these judgement calls so that someday they get shattered and we are pleasantly reassured that inherently we knew what we were doing when we befriended them.
I go off to Shantiniketan tomorrow. With a rather motley crew. Some whom I love dearly and some who I don't know at all. We will live and breathe together for a few days and somewhere we will make memories which will never get erased. Memories keep me going. Unpleasant ones which act as constant reminders of how we must learn from them. The beautiful ones which make you smile even after the corners of those memories have started to yellow. I'm not a painter, a photographer or film maker....I capture things in my mind's eye and take in every detail. All the memories which I hold so close to my soul...I can still remember the smells, the sounds and sights. Every detail is etched. I know I cannot replicate on any canvas or film or even write to do them justice. But I will look back at them and reaffirm my faith that those things were meant to happen and I'm meant to make more such memories. I was looking for peace of mind and a happy existence and I'm confident I'm on the right path. With a little help for some people who give me nudges now and then.

I'm just glad to find out that I still believe...