Iti....

I read this blog entry by this friend of mine which she named CTRL D.I dont think I have read something so real in a really long time.YOu must read it as well....maybe you'll feel the same as me.Wistful-a smile with a tear.....remembering it all....
Damn.....why do we make the same mistakes over and over again?But then are they really mistakes?So if they are not then what are they and why do we think they are? So many questions and no answer.My friend puts it beautifully in her blogpost... what is moving on????
hmmmmmmm.....i think.....i wonder....i wish.....

"And we keep driving into the night
It's a Late Goodbye....."

And it is.I take a leaf outta her book ant CTRL D to so much in my life.Only wish it was as easy as at the touch of a single button...wouldn't life be much simpler?But then what is life without its complexities?Where would we be without the stolen glances,the smiles,the touch,the smell,the heartbeat,the hurt,the pain,the heartache?
We'd probably end up being hollow....hahahaha.I cant imagine myself to be that way. I will hurt again.....I will love again.....I will feel alive only to die again.....
I will dance in the sand.....again.....n yes the tears will fall and so will the smiles with it......



P.S. Do read the blog entry I keep refering to.....www.rainbowraven.blogspot.com

It's only words.....

Very often we associate people with certain words or phrases that it becomes almost impossible not to think of them.So here go some of the pearls i have heard n loved in my life.I love the people who have said them coz for nothin else they have kept me smiling......
"Into the depths of hell";"DET";"It's all over for us"
-a gentleman who has decided to take it upon himself to single handedly make me miserable!!!

"It's all good";"Beftiful";"Remumber";"My friend the cow...."
-someone i wont ever forget.

"You know about gorilla warfare..."
-esteemed professor.

"And now our domination is complete!!!";"Aeroplane walking by..."
-shuarer bachha

"I will make you widdle in MY drawers!!!!!!"
-uhhhh need i say who?

"Ossum!!";"Does he have a magic SURD?";"Hello my lovely.what are u doing tonite???"-our resident moron!

"Hi!! Huvverru??!!"
-an entire community of nitwits!!!

"Strolling here and there in the car!!"
-BFG

"Wotiz love"
-the king!!!

"THE!!!!"
-Roofus

"What pretty FLARCE!!!"
-rhymes wi ganja!!!

"Oh my GAWD!!!"
-again need i say who

"Troo dat!!"
-Collective Souls

"Blad Fosshy!!";"Grairy thing of his!";"oh thats approsing!!!(meant to say approaching!!)
-yours truly

"But I have 3 jackssssssss!!!" ;"Shit happens!!"(by request!!!);"Its all good..."(this wont ever leave me i know!!)
-close contender to the post of resident moron!

"Xylophone?Isn't that a part of the human body???";"Take me anywhere right here rite now!!";"I have 3 cheese.......cubes(with 5 min pause before cubes..all the while another conversation had started!!);"Damn the Devil!"-my greatest find.......entertainment always.Hope he gets a life soon!!!

"Raskel"
-Gandu

"I want!I like!I chai!"
-a girl maddened by the hots for a stretchable retard

"She doesnt wanna commit but says please please..."(?????????)
-Loopy

"FUCK HE DOES!!!!"(confidently that too!!!)
-Granny in her elements!!!

"He has won many titles"(to be read as rhyming with little!!!)
-Rafael Nadal

"Arsonists of the world IGNITE!";"Repeal the banana";"Bad spellers of the world untie!"
-UGII classroom

"How now brown cow!"
-Willy boy!!


Damn!!!!!! how how how??!!! how to they do it???!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!! Gosh.....time will go on yet i know i'll never forget and wont ever stop smiling!!!Thank you to all those who have contributed...you know who you are.I love you all....lots....

Oh you silly,stupid pasttime of mine,
You were always good for rhyme,
And from the first to the last time,
The signs said stop.....
But we went on whole hearted,
It ended bad but I love what we started,
It said stop,
But we went on wholehearted,
It ended bad but I love what we started........
Fiona Apple

So parched was the ground,
The want of water all around,
A sense of void.
A breeze now and then,
Leaving us wondering when,
And with us the Gods toyed.
The longing for it all to be washed away,
Without uttering a word,that's what we pray,
Breathe life in us again.
The sound of thunder out of the blue,
A wishful glance passes from me to you,
Will it put us out of our pain?
We sit by the window looking out,
Waiting for the heavens to scream and shout,
So I cried.......
And then it rained.....

SOS

Wont someone please rescue me????Im a damsel in distress.I sit in the tower surrounded by a deep moat...unknown creatures lurk in its dark waters......the level of toxic waste in it could kill anyone.But I am in dire need of being rescued............wont my knight in shining armour rescue me?????Someone should or else I might just go outta my mind and jump and that wont be nice will it?!Uhh im not very fussy....wont anyone rescue me.....?????Pleassssssssseee.....

Water water everywhere.....

So then the last two days has seen way too much rain than i would care for and way too much water logging.....i mean i realise its lake gardens i stay in but really gimme a break!!!! There is ankle deep water in my room!!!!not outside, no matter what a certain oriya would like to think!!!! And i have pretty much been marooned in my own house.....damn!!! But the brighter side was that people felt my pain n came over.....wh resulted in tempers flyin,being highly intoxicated,many laughs and indeed memories being created....i mean isnt that what its all about....makin memories???whatever we do it becomes a part of us and though at that moment it might be unpleasant,later when u look back,its with a smile!!!!
that's the way i look at things.....i was bored,irritated that i was confined to the four walls of my house and then my friends dropped in n we made the most of it.....and thats wats really feels warm.A kinda fuzzy feeling inside.The kind that u get when u have hot chocolate on a particularly cold winter evenin or something as simple as a bite into gooey chocolate.......sigh!!!!
Yet again I sit and write.....still stranded....amidst water but with hope that the day will get better.......

Mama Im Coming Home

"Times have changed and times are strange
Here I come and I aint the same
Mama I'm coming home
Times gone by seem to be
You could have been a better friend to me
Mama, I'm coming home......"

Dammit......I'm in that mode again.I miss school.....i miss it all.Was talkin about school after such a long time with someone who i dint know since adam.......n damn!!!talkin about school wi a perfect stranger(well not stranger really....)is...........damn im still lookin for the right words.
The same time,same place but different people.The smell,the sounds,the feel,the lights......in the morning,in the afternoon(1:20),at nite......
It was home.....somewhere were we learnt how to walk and run and then eventually strut hopin that we'd be noticed.....we learn to gurgle and talk and then eventually talk nonsense just to be noticed.......for what?Gone are the days of innocence,of not worrying about the world.Now with every step I trip and stumble and wonder what it was that I did so wrong to deserve all this.To be out in the world with nothing to protect me....no magic wands,no brooms...not so much as a word.After 15 years of being heard,to be thrown into a life where even if I screamed noone hears me.And so I trip and fall,and slowly pick myself up......drawing strenght from the place which made me the person I am today-to carry on.Coz I have to....I owe it to the place which changed my 1st gurgle to words of confidence.Kinda like Maria..."I have confidence in me".But above all.....
Labore Est Constantia.....
Dammit.......I'm in that mode again.....and the tears feel great coupled with the smile......

Music is Power....

Isnt it amazing what emotions songs can evoke in you????I mean it's weird....we listen to music for various moods but at times some songs just get labelled to people,situations and moods.For example....I could kill this friend of mine for gettin "Tiny Dancer" stuck in my head.....everytime i hear that song im reminded of the times i have heard him sing it offkey and the duet performed by him n another fellow bathroom singer!!!I know "Hallelujah" will never hold the same meanin to me ever again....it will always bring a smile n tears to me coz it will remind me of Wyrd Sisters and the many times we have sung it(with feeling!!!).Some songs have double meanings too...."Killing in the Name Of"......shait!!!headbangin at shubhayan's and kenneth.....and a prior association wi the songs thnx to 21 grams.
"Cruisin".....hahaha that song should move me to tears and it did....but now....i cant help smile.....so many memories have been created with that song......"love will keep us alive"......oh jesus!!!immortal it will be!!! "Pal"...the same song over and over again but never get over it!!!!
Damn!!!!y do we attach emotions to everything???!! sometimes wish we didn't....life would be less painful.But then....what is life without music?
It's scary to imagine life without music......I dont even know why i wrote this post.......ges listening to songs is puttin me in the mode......I cant even explain how important music is to me.....i could live without food but not without music.......and so i was punished......damn!!!!MY IPOD!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!! depression coz of the music.....coz of the sentiments.....coz of the memories i made with the songs in it......n that's gone.......but hopefully.....i'll continue dancing in the sand.......damn.....

gosh!!! has it been so long????!!so much has happened in life its rather unbelievable..........seems like a dream.....
as i sit to write today,its with mixed feelings...just read kunal's blog and fuck it hit me.....its nearly over.all the efforts,the evenings spent together to do something productive which invariably ended up in being masti time much to gultu's dismay,the company.....all slowly moving into what has been and not what is.damn!!so many new people who i got to know who will forever be important to me....old friends who i rediscovered.....friends to whom i will have to say see you later as its never good bye.gultu,shubhayan,diyasree,jogu,srin,kunal,kenneth,azeem,jijkotoo.....fuck man.....in kenneths words....its been an honour!!!!!ill miss "FLOSSY"!!! sighhhhhh....tears wellin already.it hasnt sunk in yet....but tomorrow morning................im dreadin.....waking up and knowing i wont see everyone at 4.shit!!!! and life goes on.....hahaha one must therefore ask...
"When shall we all meet again?"....

urrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhh

i am feelin so blah!!!!!!shit man........i was so energetic durin the hols and now back to the daily grind hence major lethargy!!!prob the most exciting thing happening is the sword in the dept.hmmmm that seems to have brought life into many people.just as a friend said boys will never grow up.....from 5 to 55 gadgets excite them.And that is so true!!!i saw the look of utter glee on the face of a prof while he was slaying imaginary dragons and oddly enough it was the same expression of glee on the face of my friend who wanted to be a swashbuckling hero with it!!!!Jesus!!!It seems like so much fun isnt it...........to be able to retain that child in u?at 20 odd we like to think of ourselves as adults but we are essentially still kids....but at say 40 odd i'd love to be able to WANT to do things i did now.i dont want to ever grow up.....i like feelin like a kid.....so much security.But this illusion of being a child always ,will disappear oneday. and then wht???i'll go back to feelin blah.sigh!cest la vie!

I love my city….I do But sometimes things happen which disgust me. The people I’m so proud of, who are the bearers of our rich tradition and heritage make me loathe them. Very recently a friend of mine, a north eastern friend, went marketing at Jadavpur. And there she faced probably the most harrowing experience ever. On deciding to walk away from a vendor where the cost of fruits was higher than she expected, she was verbally abused by the vendor. Still trying to remain calm she choose not to argue yet was humiliated further. She was then surrounded by people who were hurling abuses at her because the vendor claimed she was mad and had thrown fruits at him. Helpless as she was she couldn’t even walk away as she was at the centre of a mob. And who would she have turned to for help???
The vendor understandable must have been illiterate but how can one excuse the behaviour of the passersby??? Aren’t we supposed to be educated and civilized?? Haven’t we had endless discussions on equality and discrimination????? Where did all that knowledge go when this helpless girl stood crying? No one, I repeat, NOONE came to her aid. People stood by and watched…..
It makes me sick. And if you think the law is going to stand up for what is right……for what is humane….. that’s a laugh. If the law cannot rather chooses not to make things right, where do we turn in times of need? Who do we look to? Maybe I’m being naïve and not understanding why these things happen but it’s so wrong………it could happen to any of us elsewhere in the world. So shouldn’t we prevent it when we can???

its been a while since i blogged......but then whats new!!!
honestly so much has happened in life......more friends leaving town.....friends gettin jobs....friends getting together.....friends splittin up...friends having operations.........etc etc.....phew hectic.......not to mention that i too have been very busy..........busy trying not to fall ill again!!!!!!!!the last one month has been insane..........i've been keepin terrible health.......not yet back to my usual vibrant self..........i mean im goin around sayin no to partying!!!!!!!and worst part is that i havnt gotten my appetite back!!!!!!!!!thats positively horrible!!!!!!!!but things taste like cardboard in my mouth!!horrible......and being ill i think i must have listened to over 1000 songs in a week!!and beeen missin college.....its great to be back........esp for my renaissance class.....fuck man im doin class because my prof is too hot............and my prof's a woman!!!!!!!!so u can imagin!!!! i think i shud be a lesbian now!!ar toh kichu hoche na being hetero tai homo hoye dekha jak!!!dhat kichui bhalo lagche na and im gonna start cribbin soon so ill sign off now!!

i miss my friends

It has been said that history repeats itself.And indeed in every aspect of life it is true.After school I had to say my goodbyes and let go.And yet again it's turned a full circle.I had to say good bye to my friends in college.It's insane how much im missing them.It's crazy.I know they have to get on with their lives and make something of themselves and i cant hang on to them forever but it's so hard to say goodbye.Especially when you're so used to seeing them everyday.I still expect to see a woman with flowing black locks to smile her way through a throng of people;a tall balding dude sitting and playing the guitar on the steps;or a dude sporting a red cap playing tt.But life isnt such.Imiss them like crazy and even though I do meet them its not the same.How can i expect it to be?How could I have thought that it could have gone on for ever?Everything in this infernal life is transient....even friendship.I'll live with the memories we made and pray that we make more memories..........I love you guys and miss u alot....you know who you are.....

raindrops keep falling on my head

well not really....at the moment lake gardens is under water.I'm on an island.When i was in school,I used to wait for these days.....NO SCHOOL!!!YEAHHH!! But today since there seems to be no way to reach dry land,I can't get to college.I'm hating it.ufffff!!!Wish I had a plane!
I feel so cranky and lost.I wanna be in college...how beautiful college must be lookin now and all I can see now are rows and rows of houses and mucky water as far as the eyes can go!!! Kids swimming and jumping around in the water....they seem so happy......it does bring a smile to my face.A solitary paper boat floats by.....some excited child must have watched it sail out of sight and now it's come by my place.(reminds me of this bangla poem I read when I was younger!!!)
Maybe I wont feel so bad staying at home after all......I only wish it would stop raining so that the water goes down.If i dont see college today even once,nothin is gonna get me outta this cranky mood......I do feel sorry for my mom who's gonna have to put up with my moodiness today...sigh....

Light streaming through an open window,
Suppressed giggles, rocking to and fro,
Secrets passes from soul to soul
What felt incomplete becomes whole.
A sudden flash of light-a burning splinter
A cigarette lit- and it just felt better.
Giggles louder still,
The summer breeze sends a chill.
People walk on busy streets below,
We look down and wonder why so..................
A sudden silence and then a laugh
As fluctuating as a graph....
Three souls sit with hidden pasts,
Unspeaking yet,how long can the silence last?
It passes from person to person and is understood,
Without words; a feeling of good.
The silence eventually has to be broken,
Broken with laughs instead of words spoken.
Uneasy silence pushed away with looks exchanged,
Changes the mood to be deranged.
Is it the alcohol, is it the smoke?
What is it that these feelings were evoked?
Is it the company ; is it life?
What makes one put aside their strife?
Pensieve moments replaced by things so light
Just the company of friends makes life so bright.
The distortions in life falls into place,
The presence of friends puts a smile on your face.
Yet another cigarette is lit,
And by the window huddled we sit
The night creeps in slower
But for us daybreak has just dawned....

where have all the rainclouds gone

where are the freakin monsoon rains?????? im tired of the slight drizzle which goes on to give hope n then stops to pour!!! I think if i started to cry about it there'd be more water!!!!!!!!!and it becomes unbelievably hot at nite!!!!!!!
so ami sad about the freakin weather!!!! so i cook.........also cause i like to cook...but im ending up cookin highly rich continental stuff which isnt doin any good to my nearly existing waistline!!!
so would everyone kindly join me in praying to the rain gods??????brishti brishti brishti...e ki aporoop srishti!!! mummy i want rain!!!!!!!!!! ooooo college looks so beautiful in the rains..... so greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnn!!!!!!i want, i like , i chai!!!!!!!!!!!!

silent night.....brilliant breeze.....a lit cig......sitting curled up and taking in the beauty at hand. at a distance south city looms, towering over, looking like Mordor yet beautiful against the midnight kolkata skyline.....sudden squels from the neighbors....seems like someone's won yet another football match.........i smile creeps on my lips.......a familiar sense of lethargy sets in.....havent slept properly in the last couple of weeks but i welcome these sleepless nites.........gives me time to think......
miss those days of being completly happy....of feelin like nothin could get me down.....to feel loved and secure...knowing that my existence means the world to someone........that i can fite with someone and the very next moment just melt by his mere look....to feel my heart beat faster at the slightest touch.....just to feel his arms around me to say that nothin will touch you here,that you will be looked after.....i miss being weak in the knees.......i miss the constant feeling of warmth flowing inside me........i miss being in love....
i believe that one doesnt need a significant other to feel complete but then we are animals and have instincts and desires...........dont get me wrong....i dont mean sex at all........i just mean love..
we always feel the need to be loved every step of the way....but life doesnt end if it doesnt happen that way.....besides "loves come as surprise ice"......anyone who has been in love knows what i'm talkin about.....not love that people generally indulge in these days which doesnt las more than a couple of weeks.....but somethin which grows each day and somehow makes one stronger.....sometimes i wonder whether its greater to love than to be loved.....and then i think maybe.....loving someone means so much more.........just to be able to make someone feel special but then the selfish human tendency of wanting to be loved always creeps in.....even when we know its of no use we never give up hoping do we?
somehow old memories keep rushing back to me..........do we ever stop loving?guess we dont..... we stop being in love but continue to love....yet again something i strongly hold dear to my heart......
to my darling...dont think ill ever stop loving you even though i stopped being in love with you...
to whoever is waiting to sweep me off my feet.........ill be right here waiting just to have your arms around me....what i wouldnt do to just sit in silence and let the silence to the talking......after all when we are SILENT,we can still LISTEN.
the cigs gone out,mordor still looks ethereal..and i still sit curled waiting for my prince.....

" wild horses couldnt drag me away.....wild wild horses gonna ride them oneday......"
seriously one of the best songs i've ever heard......have to thank one particular friend for mentioning it to me...i completly identify with it.........
in life i've noticed onething.........when you care about someone,you are automatically taken for granted.not sayin its a bad thing,among really good friends you r supposed to but what do you do when u dont know whether the feeling is mutual or not.I believe in friendship one should stand on equal ground......one tends to feel naked and vulnerable when someone else has the upperhand.besides do you think its fair?hmmmmmmmmm guess in life one has to roll with the punches...........what you expect you seldom get but when unexpectedly you do.........isnt it the best???what would life be without surprises in little packages.........

freedom finally at hand

yes finally i can see it......uffffff exams are nearly over....i say nearly coz it will be over tom...aftr a break of 10 freaking days!!!!!!!!!god only knows how i've spent these days...na parchilam thik kore masti korte na porte!!
im going crazy thinking about what im gonna do after tom....actually what im gonna do aftr the 13th when my mata will be globetrottin!!!wh means im the queen of the world for the next 2 weeks!!!!!!!wheeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!im gonna party by day n at nite im gonna plop in front of the tv with chilled bottles of beer and watch the WORLD CUP!!!!!!!!GO BRAZIL!!!!!!!!REST OF THE WORLD EAT DUST!!!!shit am goin mad....gotta concentrate on exam tom...so then oedipus tells creon.................hmmmmmmmm.......

had a rather mellow day.got up late and went to friends place and lazed there.And after a looooong time did a lot of heart to heart.we hadnt done that in a long time....so it felt good....it was nice to feel laid bare on the table and see the same with the other person.we talked for hours with the food n cigarette breaks....it felt really nice.i miss doin these things with people i love.and talkin today was like taking a walk down memory lane....reliving n relishing those past moments again,knowin that we might never get it back.looking into the future knowing we'll make more memories and will oneday look back n smile wistfully.personally i think a guy/gal friendship is the best but there are just somethings that girls do best....open their hearts completely and lay it out there.being a girl n knowin what another girl is feelin is amazing.I loved today....hope erom din aro anek ashe jibone.....