Have successfully gone out of my mind.Have not studied.Drowning in the sorrow of Arsenal's defeat and dreading meeting people who will add insult to injury.Tried to feel better by listening to Bonguly and T.V.Carpio's cover of The Beatles' "I Wanna Hold Your Hand".It's truly fantastic.Jiboney boddo beshi chaap.Think I'll just go to sleep for now and escape reality for a bit.

I hate liars and cheaters!Right now I feel like bashing someones head throw the fucking wall!It disgusts me.urrrrgh!!! It creeps me out.........how can some people be so blind to things.I'm too stupid i think for trusting people.Fuck you!Fuck you! Now the hurt is pure rage and disgust.If you ever cross my path God fuckin help you. A thousand baths and showers wont ever cleanse me of my mistake and a million baths and showers wont ever cleanse you of your sins.Fuck you! Fuck you! I rue the day I met you.Wish I had never. Wish you were never born.Fuck You! Feel like yelling at the top of my lungs....instead I sit here writing this and wishin that you get exactly what you deserve since you deserve nothing more than pity.Shame on you but above all shame on me.....
I realise this post doesnt make sense....it doesnt make sense to me either.Im just angry....soooooooo angry...feel violated and so angry!Maybe something I'll channel this anger into something productive.Till then I hope some people dont cross my path.....the war part of me has suddenly been awakended.....

My angel...
The only one who has always kept me happy...truly happy.

Someone(T) old me today that I had changed....and then someone(S)told me I should change.
Isn't that ironic?Same day and two people say to very different things.So then what really is real?(shit that sounds like one of shantanuda's lectures!)I agree with one and disagree with the other.I have changed but it's just a phase.Being the way T made me out to be is something im inherently not but something I had to adopt in order to survive in a way........to keep my sanity intact I guess.Being slightly more sensitive, I needed to be.Apologies to those who thought I wasn't being me and got caught in a whirlwind of things that did not involve them.Maybe soon I will return to dancing in the sand.....just seemed to have lost my rhythm for the time being.And as for S....for reasons I cant even begin to explain I won't change.Maybe it sounds weird when I try,maybe I'm thought as being very very retarded but keeping myself intact if most important to me.Come love,come friendship,come family.....acceptance.Accept me for who I am.I accept you for who you are.No one should change for anyone then essentially who the hell are you?Just when you think you know someone,you realise you never did.I agree that the only constant in life is change but not with the very things that tick.Some parts of me are just as basic as the air I breathe and I can't live without those things.Call them idiosyncrasies, call them what you will.At the end of the day I know I sleep happy.And the days I don't,I wonder what I did wrong......
Random thoughts, I know, but these days randomness makes sense to me.Logic is lost on me, I think but that doesnt mean that irrationality is the recipe for the day. God! I think I'm losing the thread here.......I think I'll stop....

And it rained fire.....

It's been a while I know and for some reason cant even pinpoint why.Maybe I've been lazy,maybe bored but I do know that busy could be one of the reasons.Maybe because for the last 4 months I have learnt to live.And it all came to a stupendous end.The roars,the applause,the feeling that I wanted to hold on to forever....I wanted to keep dreaming.....
I know I'll never really ever get out of 'Video' mode and I dont think I ever want to.Read what a friend had to say about it and that moved me more to tears.Part of me wanted to run off stage and sit with everyone and watch this masterpiece unfold in front of me and the other just wanted that adrenalin to keep pumpin so i could keep dancing to the beat of the dhaki's.Some things can never be repeated....trauma at ripon street during the riot scene,boudi's heart wrenching wail,dang's outstanding monologue,shambhu and D.S. as 2 halves of the imperfect entity called life or more specifically dreams......and I hope they can never be replicated.Just like the joy,the anger,the frustration,the dejection that we all felt during the 4 months.We pretty much lived with each other,brought out our best and our worst and above all accepted everything despite everything.This seems so general and blah but that's just it....I'm at a loss for words.I honestly can't think of anything fabulous or intelligent to say.I'm not even going to try and comment on the performances because anything I can say will pale in comparison to what actually was manifested.So I think I'll just say...'Wow'.3 letters....insignificant but it almost sums up what I'm still feeling and will continue to feel.I feel so small compared to the grandeur of Video........and yet so important and so proud.I thank Kanti and Tanaji for giving me Video...........for giving me a memory that I will guard fiercely with my life....
Didn't ever think it could take so much from me.........tears I shed were real,to be a part of something so breathtaking and this I saw without even seeing the play. Simon and Garfunkel ask "Is the theatre really dead?" and I saw quietly 'No not while people with such vision and dreams are around'........Inspiration is one thing and changing a life is something else.I think I fell in love in the course of Video....think I fell head over heels in love with the stage.I'm not an actor,I'm not a star but by God I love the smell of the stage.Standing at the edge,looking at an empty,dark auditorium after the last show,I closed my eyes and saw them all smiling,standing,hooting,applauding,appreciating......and I wasn't dreaming.....
I can go on and on about Video and maybe I will bore other poor souls about it for years to come but at the end of the day....that was the bloody two....

yeah! i love life again! it's amazing how some things become so important that you cant live a day without. i love my life. after such a long time i can say im truly happy. yes the usual downs are still there...people still tryin to fuck me over but the difference is that....let em try!!!! im so happy that nothin can bring me down. this is a random blog post but hey....my blog!!!i write WTF i want!!!
this year has gone by really fast.just yest i was having cha and shivering in JP and it's time again to shiver and embrace the warmth of cha/coffee!So much has happened.......a year packed wi so much emotion....i thought i'd be emotionally drained by the end of the year but for some reason im still goin strong.So many tears and laughs;lost tempers,lost friends;finding the old ones again;finding new ones.But above all I think this year i discovered myself.I'm not at all what I had thought myself tobe.......ya somethings won't change but shite!there was so much I didn't know about myself.I have grown so much this year.(uhhh as a person...just incase anyone thinks physically!!)2007 has been a turning point in my life.as the year gets ready to bow out gracefully,I know I will look back wistfully yet fondly....sigh........but as a friend says..."ei to lemon"!!!Here's to a better 2008!

KIDNAP!!!!

was kidnapped today by a sibling duo!!!swifted whisked away in a car, forced to have some burning liquid poured down my throat which tasted oddly like tea, and told that all nite i would be bound to them and drugged!!!!!!!!!!! imagine the fear, the terror, spinchilling episodes of torture....NAAAAAAAAAHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIii!!!! but then if some people just offer tea and H( the slighter safer one if u know what i mean!!!) u just dont say no!!!!!! smart gurl aint i???!!!
currently just blown away by the sheer madness of it all........and laughin for the last 15 mins with my captor did not make things any better!!!!!sitting here, writing utter nonsense somehoe makes full sense to me....just a few hours ago i was running away from a cyclone....or atleast the thot of one.......before that fucked up my thighs trying to get into shape!!(no wonder i dont gym....if losing weight was that painful...i'd rather gain a few kilos!) thus couldnt even run away from the cyclone in my mind(ooooooooooo pseudo antlami!!!! without even trying!!!this is good shit!)
anyway all in all i think rathr productive day.......esp since fever seems to be gone(keeping fingers crossed!!!) here's to the night!!!!

cha and adda

Hmmmmmm cha seems to be such an important factor in my life and I had never realised it.After a cha session today I was like "EUREKA!" or as Satra would say "CHAAAAAAAAA".Honestly that golden brown liquid with bits of leaves floating in it has been an integral part of almost everything important to me. So many faces have laughed with me over cups of cha;and then the faces change. Even theks change. I guess that's cause of the company. So many cups of tea; so many tea jokes, so many spilled glasses/broken glasses;lebu cha/doodh cha & prajapati biscuit. Times spent just chilling;relieving stress;doin prem;bitchin about people;making new friends; catching up with old ones;making up after fights.......the list is endless.No wonder I'm addicted to cha..........have drunk way too much for the sake of life and it's lil gifts.From mashi's dokan in Golf Green to Gate no.4 at JU;from the bridge to the mathh;from Sharma's to the Lakes;from 8B to Salt Lake....I've done it all....and it doesnt stop there.Current pitstop...Russell Dhaba. More laughing faces,more intense adda, and lots more cha......

Took a walk down memory lane today,
So many memories sifted through yet nothing to say,
A few tears shed amidst the many laughs,
A cigarette smoked and another half.....
Reading letters and cards of ages old,
Stories started and never told....
Of lost loves,lost friends and lost souls
Of being one and playing many roles.
It eludes me now-the innocence of it all
Like Adam before the Fall.
But I'm wiser now or am I?
I know how to be malicious and lie.
Was that what was different before?
Will that set me free to rise above and soar?
It works for so many,will it work for me?
Will I finally then be truly happy?
Even as I write this,I know that's not true
So many dreams and so little time to pursue....
Maybe I'm better of dreaming instead,
Lying alone,curled up in my bed.
Atleast there I'm me,
Not trying just to...be........

yellowed pages of time......

I found a letter the other day in between the trash I used to read as a kid.And that letter was the best surprise of my life.It made my life infact.I'm sure I must have read it before but had forgotten about it.
Euphoria,hurt,love,disappointment-I felt it all at once and a single tear rolled down my cheek.I dont think I felt more loved as I felt right then.No one has loved me so much I think.Maybe I'm being unfair to loads of people by sayin this but that feeling of being completely loved,of being missed,realising how much I meant to someone.That I was the reason for his living........I honestly have not been loved like that ever......
I smile now as I go through each word in my head and tears still form.....the innocence,the warmth,the poignance of it all.......
A letter to a 10 month old child from her father........
I love u 'da-da'.......always.....

and the bird has flown....

and yet another one flew the nest.1st my youngest left to make it in the big world, then my eldest.And now one of my twins.....thank god I have one of my children with me.....
I hate to see them grow up and leave.to me they'l always be kids-naive,innocent, stupid and i gotta look after them always.Letting go is always hard especially when you're the adoptive mother!!!!
I'm gonne miss the uncombed,long hair;the ready smile;the constant bokami yet I know she needs to find her way on her own.The days spent scolding her,lecturing her, combing her hair and chatting about her boyfriend and the lastest gossip, frowning at her choice of clothing & excessive drinking, catching her every time she fell, loving her.....
and now she has to do it alone.
She will be on my mind always,I will worry about her all the time...who wouldnt when it's someone as precious and irresponsible as her?
Yes, watching your children grow up is always tough for a mother.
Wonder how Rupa Mashi is doing it if it's so tough for a pseudo mother like me......

***You Are The Star***


You represent the ultimate in truth and purity.
Insightful and illuminating, you provide guidance for others.
You also demonstrate unselfish, unconditional love.
You posses many spiritual gifts, including the ability to heal.

Your fortune:

Your future is looking brighter by the day.
The near future will be a time of both hope and healing.
Luck is about to come your way, perhaps the best luck you have ever seen.
Life is about to get a lot easier and much better!


What Tarot Card Are You?
http://www.blogthings.com/whattarotcardareyouquiz/

and i miss you,
and i want to hug you and sleep,
and i love you,
and with me always want to keep....
You are out there somewhere,
But am i really waiting for you?
Fair is foul,foul is fair,
Do you understand me,do you?
Feeling lost as usual,
Dont want to survive anymore,
All blank-no audio visual,
Battered,broken,bruised and sore.
Ah what is it that I long for,
wish i knew,
Sitting on the floor by the door,
Wondering what's false and what's true.
I want to fly but my wings are clipped,
I want to speak but my mouth is gagged,
I started to run but i slipped,
And I was dragged.
Does this even make sense,
Is it past,present or future tense?
I'm so far gone,there's no way back,
So I just shut my eyes and all is black.....

Nokkhottro Khochito Aakash

Nokkhottro khochito aakash......
hothat keno lokey jigesh korbe.Kichudin aagey shondha belay aaksher dikey cheye dekhi porishkar aakash ebong lokkho lokkho tara.Nokkhottro khochito aakash-aamar ek bondhu amake e kothati bolechilo-shey tar bangla ke improve korar cheshtay and to basically prove a point.Kintu kothata amar money gethe giyechilo.Ki shundor-chokh bondho kore bolle money ekta apoorbo chobi toiri hoy.

Tara ki?Amar ekta theory acche-not so much a theory as a belief.Ami bishwash kori je jiboner prottekti muhurto oi tara hoye jay.Je muhurto hridoy ke chuye jay ba aghat diye jay-dutoi.To put it simply-every moment of our loves which becomes a memory-it finds a place in the sky and becomes a star.It is caught in time there and that moment becomes immemorial.Kirom jeno opor theke amader upor takiye acche-apekkha korche ekti notun tara jonney.Lokkho lokkho sriti,lokkho lokkho muhurto,lokkho lokkho loker.Prottekti tarar ekti golpo acche-shukher,dukher kintu golpo.Karur bichhinno hoyar shokh,karur premer prothom jholok,kono choto shishur prothom hashi-
shob oi taray joro.Jedin meghe dhaka porey jay shedin oi muhurto gulo bhule jai abar kintu etao thik je meghe dhaka taragulo abar porishkar aakashey chomkabe.Jotodin jibon acche totodin oi taragulo chomkabe.Aamader shesh nishwash-kintu tara chomkabe. Prithibi chere chole jabo kintu amader muhurtogulo beche thakbe tara hoye.Gupto kotha lukiiye thakbe tader moddhey,keu janbe na-tara aalo jolte thakbe.

Hoyto ami pagol ei shob bhabar jonney,kintu money akta adbhut shantir prokash pai.Bishwash chhara jiboney acche ki?Asha chhara?Hoyto pagol kintu bishwas kori.
Nokkhottro khocito aakash-haan kothati thik...kothatir moddheo anek muhurto lukiye acche....hoyto shey muhurtogulo ekhon nokkhottro hoye geche......amar ei bishwash....

Iti....

I read this blog entry by this friend of mine which she named CTRL D.I dont think I have read something so real in a really long time.YOu must read it as well....maybe you'll feel the same as me.Wistful-a smile with a tear.....remembering it all....
Damn.....why do we make the same mistakes over and over again?But then are they really mistakes?So if they are not then what are they and why do we think they are? So many questions and no answer.My friend puts it beautifully in her blogpost... what is moving on????
hmmmmmmm.....i think.....i wonder....i wish.....

"And we keep driving into the night
It's a Late Goodbye....."

And it is.I take a leaf outta her book ant CTRL D to so much in my life.Only wish it was as easy as at the touch of a single button...wouldn't life be much simpler?But then what is life without its complexities?Where would we be without the stolen glances,the smiles,the touch,the smell,the heartbeat,the hurt,the pain,the heartache?
We'd probably end up being hollow....hahahaha.I cant imagine myself to be that way. I will hurt again.....I will love again.....I will feel alive only to die again.....
I will dance in the sand.....again.....n yes the tears will fall and so will the smiles with it......



P.S. Do read the blog entry I keep refering to.....www.rainbowraven.blogspot.com

It's only words.....

Very often we associate people with certain words or phrases that it becomes almost impossible not to think of them.So here go some of the pearls i have heard n loved in my life.I love the people who have said them coz for nothin else they have kept me smiling......
"Into the depths of hell";"DET";"It's all over for us"
-a gentleman who has decided to take it upon himself to single handedly make me miserable!!!

"It's all good";"Beftiful";"Remumber";"My friend the cow...."
-someone i wont ever forget.

"You know about gorilla warfare..."
-esteemed professor.

"And now our domination is complete!!!";"Aeroplane walking by..."
-shuarer bachha

"I will make you widdle in MY drawers!!!!!!"
-uhhhh need i say who?

"Ossum!!";"Does he have a magic SURD?";"Hello my lovely.what are u doing tonite???"-our resident moron!

"Hi!! Huvverru??!!"
-an entire community of nitwits!!!

"Strolling here and there in the car!!"
-BFG

"Wotiz love"
-the king!!!

"THE!!!!"
-Roofus

"What pretty FLARCE!!!"
-rhymes wi ganja!!!

"Oh my GAWD!!!"
-again need i say who

"Troo dat!!"
-Collective Souls

"Blad Fosshy!!";"Grairy thing of his!";"oh thats approsing!!!(meant to say approaching!!)
-yours truly

"But I have 3 jackssssssss!!!" ;"Shit happens!!"(by request!!!);"Its all good..."(this wont ever leave me i know!!)
-close contender to the post of resident moron!

"Xylophone?Isn't that a part of the human body???";"Take me anywhere right here rite now!!";"I have 3 cheese.......cubes(with 5 min pause before cubes..all the while another conversation had started!!);"Damn the Devil!"-my greatest find.......entertainment always.Hope he gets a life soon!!!

"Raskel"
-Gandu

"I want!I like!I chai!"
-a girl maddened by the hots for a stretchable retard

"She doesnt wanna commit but says please please..."(?????????)
-Loopy

"FUCK HE DOES!!!!"(confidently that too!!!)
-Granny in her elements!!!

"He has won many titles"(to be read as rhyming with little!!!)
-Rafael Nadal

"Arsonists of the world IGNITE!";"Repeal the banana";"Bad spellers of the world untie!"
-UGII classroom

"How now brown cow!"
-Willy boy!!


Damn!!!!!! how how how??!!! how to they do it???!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!! Gosh.....time will go on yet i know i'll never forget and wont ever stop smiling!!!Thank you to all those who have contributed...you know who you are.I love you all....lots....

Oh you silly,stupid pasttime of mine,
You were always good for rhyme,
And from the first to the last time,
The signs said stop.....
But we went on whole hearted,
It ended bad but I love what we started,
It said stop,
But we went on wholehearted,
It ended bad but I love what we started........
Fiona Apple

So parched was the ground,
The want of water all around,
A sense of void.
A breeze now and then,
Leaving us wondering when,
And with us the Gods toyed.
The longing for it all to be washed away,
Without uttering a word,that's what we pray,
Breathe life in us again.
The sound of thunder out of the blue,
A wishful glance passes from me to you,
Will it put us out of our pain?
We sit by the window looking out,
Waiting for the heavens to scream and shout,
So I cried.......
And then it rained.....

SOS

Wont someone please rescue me????Im a damsel in distress.I sit in the tower surrounded by a deep moat...unknown creatures lurk in its dark waters......the level of toxic waste in it could kill anyone.But I am in dire need of being rescued............wont my knight in shining armour rescue me?????Someone should or else I might just go outta my mind and jump and that wont be nice will it?!Uhh im not very fussy....wont anyone rescue me.....?????Pleassssssssseee.....

Water water everywhere.....

So then the last two days has seen way too much rain than i would care for and way too much water logging.....i mean i realise its lake gardens i stay in but really gimme a break!!!! There is ankle deep water in my room!!!!not outside, no matter what a certain oriya would like to think!!!! And i have pretty much been marooned in my own house.....damn!!! But the brighter side was that people felt my pain n came over.....wh resulted in tempers flyin,being highly intoxicated,many laughs and indeed memories being created....i mean isnt that what its all about....makin memories???whatever we do it becomes a part of us and though at that moment it might be unpleasant,later when u look back,its with a smile!!!!
that's the way i look at things.....i was bored,irritated that i was confined to the four walls of my house and then my friends dropped in n we made the most of it.....and thats wats really feels warm.A kinda fuzzy feeling inside.The kind that u get when u have hot chocolate on a particularly cold winter evenin or something as simple as a bite into gooey chocolate.......sigh!!!!
Yet again I sit and write.....still stranded....amidst water but with hope that the day will get better.......