Wheeeeeeeeeee!!! 1st rain of the year!!!!! Yeahhhhhhh! Sheets and sheets of rain! LG again looking like it would be under water. But so beautiful the weather is. I stepped out into the balcony as soon as it started to rain. Familiar happy smell of wet cement. Oh how I love that smell. This change in weather makes me so happy. Let's hope it stays this way keeping me happy and smiling. I had forgotten how much I loved the rain. Got soaked to the bone and it felt so fucking GOOD! What a wonderful evening.
Ooooooo and KKR won as well. Ah I be very happy!

I don't know what it is. I can't put my finger on it. But you definitely do something to me. I found that I could laugh thanks to someone else. But you seem to know how to make me love laughing. I have started loving myself again. I love the way you say my name. Don't think anyone has said my name like that. There is so much emotion in your voice when you get serious. I love the way you look at me when you smile. I love the way your eyes twinkle up when you smile. The corners of your lips curve. Did you know that? When you are in a particularly mischievous mood, your eyes sparkle. You challenge me. Everyday. But it is so easy with you. So easy to talk to you. You're one of the few people with whom I don't try because I don't want to, don't have to. Out of the abyss, you pulled me. Bit by bit. I'm not out yet but I'm getting there. Everyday. I look forward to every moment I spend with you. You seem to be the cold compress for an aching soul. Our lives crossed each other's for a reason. Perhaps you were meant to rescue me. And me? I don't know yet what I'm supposed to do for you. But I'm willing to find out. You reinstated my belief in so many things. I love how you don't put be on a pedestal. You don't go out of your way to make me feel special. Weird thing is that I don't care. That in itself makes me feel special. And I'm petrified. Not of the things that used to scare me before. New things. That's the beauty. of it. I have stepped out of the shade and am willing to take a chance again. Perhaps that's being stupid. But you encourage my stupidity. I'm not floating anywhere but firmly grounded. My roots ensure that there is no way that I will ever be blown away. And I am grateful for them. But you. But you just...I don't think I have ever been so at sea. For the first time I'm not mind fucked. I love that you don't play games with me. Games that can spiral out of control. My rationale is intact. Did you know the other day I smelt something and suddenly I wasn't where I was supposed to be. My instinct was to look around for you. Of course you weren't there. But I couldn't help but smile to myself. You are so unfamiliar and yet so familiar. It's a comfort and an intrigue. No I don't think I'm in love with you. Love is too strong and final. I don't know what it is I feel. Loving you is something that may happen but may not. But yes, I do love you. Deeply, blindly, fiercely. But there is a difference. Do you know that? We are not so different you and I. Perhaps that's the problem or the solution. I don't know...yet. But this I do know-I lowered my guard again. I let you in. Risky business that.People are puzzles to be figured out. You are a Rubic's Cube. I managed to get just one side sorted. And I'm not going to rush myself to complete the entire thing just yet. The full picture will reveal itself to me someday. I can wait. I stand at the end of the road looking at you. Guilty of wanting you to look up. Glad you didn't lest you didn't like what you saw. If you're meant to, you will look up at me and grin. Or pass me by. That is fine too. Atleast you will have passed me by. You are one person who I wouldn't mind letting go off. I held on too long and too hard to so many things. We all make mistakes and God knows, I have made mine. So many times. But you, I will just wish you good luck, if you should choose to walk on without me. Right now I don't know, consciously what I want from you. Perhaps that's why it is so much easier. Perhaps, no, for sure you don't know about the effect you have on me. I myself can't understand what it is. Maybe one day when I understand, so will you. Or perhaps you will make me understand. Or perhaps we shall never know. And no, I'm not in love with you...yet.

Been having the most warped weekend ever. It's a mixture of the good and the bad. It's the kind that makes you question how the good can make you feel bad. It's insane. Things are always so complicated. Simplicity and me are just not meant to be together.
   Yes. I know that a part of me feels the happiest I have been in months but a part of me is writhing in pain. I suppose it's that time of the year. Time to usher in the new and let go of  the old. A time for change. But sometimes changes aren't always good. Sure they happen for a reason and maybe in the long run it makes sense but at that moment...nothing does. Perhaps I should embrace that change and not question it or above all be suspicious of it. I am blessed with some constants and maybe that's what helps me adjust to the change.
   In the last few months so many things have changed. People, places, seasons, situations, equations...almost nothing seems familiar. And just when I feel that I'm about to sink, a familiar smell floats in through with the north wind. The softness of my pillow makes me happy.The way Leto looks at me makes me realise somethings stand the test of time. The love in my mother's voice when she calls me, even when she scolds me doesn't change and I am grateful. So grateful.
    The last few months have pushed me to the edge just thinking of the unfamiliar and the uncertain. There is a beauty in it. The thrill, the challenge, the rediscovery. But also the fear, the insecurity. Haven't slept in 48 hours and sleep still eludes me. A part of me thinks I'll miss out on something. A part of me wants to sleep and never wake up. I don't mean something as morbid as death but just the apprehension of waking up to a world I can't comprehend. Yet every morning I wake up and do the same old thing I did yesterday and the day before. Can one really be the same and changed at the same time? I've started believing that. I seem to be going round and round in circles with this one. It makes sense and doesn't too.
    Anyhoo tomorrow is another day. I will be who I am or who I'm supposed to be. Supposed to be not in the sense as the way people want me to be (which would probably be simplest) but the way I'm supposed to snugly find my place in the vastness of life. Life that is not just my own but the one which wouldn't be with the others.
    Someone once said that the reason that we stay up all night and surf the net is to establish the fact that we are alive and we exist. If we just sat in one corner and just read or thought, there are no witnesses to the fact we exist. I had never really thought of it that way and the thought frightens me a little. Perhaps there is truth in it. Perhaps that's why I am up blogging at 2am. Just to establish my existence. Damn you Beckett!
    On that rather pensive note, I depart. Where am I going to? What will I do there? Will I even get there? If I do get there will anyone know I'm there? Questions make the world go round not love. Love's just a part of it. They both float around in the air. I have been capturing the questions for a while. Perhaps it's time to capture love? But look, I just captured another question. So then if questions exist, so should love. Just as answers and betrayals exist. I found two. Still searching for the other two. Time to hit enter.

Workshop with China Mieville

        The black waters of the lake slowly began to bubble,almost like the concoction brewing in the Coven's cauldron. Still peering from behind the bushes, they noticed that the bubbling had stopped and there was a sudden calm on the waters. Nothing moved. Even the wind was still. It was as if time had stopped. Goddy took a step forward and at that precise moment there was activity in the lake again. From the middle of the lake it rose. It was dark and thus difficult to see. The Coven exchanged glances. And then, as if to answer their unasked question of "what the hell is that???", there was light.
        The creature's head was the source of light. Rather the source of light came from within the creature's skull for that was all there was. A sharp knife seemed to be protruding from the top of the skull. The pale yellow light shone through the hollow eye sockets and open jaws. It did not have much of a neck but there was something that connected that head to the rather feminine body,straitjacketed in a corset, that followed the ascent of the head. It's arms were flapping in the absence of the wind indicating no solid mass with. Finally the body floated up ending in what looked like a fish tail.
        Goddy thought "Mermaid?". Drim Roll thought "Fishy?". OE said "RUN!!!!!!"