Someone told me that 22 is a very lucky number especially since I'm also a 1.Not that I believe in numerology or anything but it's good to know....makes me feel quite happy turning 22.
I had the most fun birthday ever and I realised exactly how crazy my friends are. Most definately a birthday I will not forget ever,especially with the photos and videos!!! My friend's mum said that it was nice to see that we were getting in touch with the children inside us.....though me thinks one particular friend was getting in touch with his feminine side!literally!!!Let's just say my para has now seen everything.... from jack sparrow to chaddi man to roxanne or ruksana.......man!!!People are indeed strange...well wacky!!!!A costume party at our age could be so much fun......didn't realise....Here's a big thank you to all my friends who were such darlings and such big sports.....and to those who weren't well.....you guys really would have had a lot more fun if you were in costume....trust me!!! Thank you so much you guys for making this a birthday I will never forget.....Love you all tons!!!
Thursday, October 02, 2008
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
It's been ages..........so a random post.......it's been a rollercoaster ride these last few months.........still waiting to breathe...can't believe the year is almost over........so much has happened.....cause for tears, cause for never ending smiles.... some you'd like to forget, some you'd never want to.....dammit!!!!!!!!!!! new faces, new loves, new passions..replace old ones..and some old ones get worn out but u just can't seem to part with......so complex this life is.....but the year has been a balance so far and still 3 months to go...........let's all hope the balance remains!!!
Monday, July 07, 2008
random threads of thoughts...
Lord its been ages.....and so much has happened since.....
I realised that I'm a very angry human being.I don't show it often but when I do it's quite terrible.But I think I've calmed down now....was re-reading an old blog post and realised that some amount of anger has crawled under a rock.Good.May it stay there for a while. Some things are best healed with time and then seems inconsequential. So has a lot of things....
One thing that I learnt very recently that relationships are investments which are subject to market risks.I mean in every relationship we put in so much and only make just about that much progress yet that doesn't stop us from investing more.It's the crunch time when we realise 'oh fuck'. Said bye to a friend recently who I know for just about 6 months and yet cried buckets while holding each other at the airport.Why? I thought to myself that I'm not gonna invest in any relationship anytime soon.Just takes too much out of me. Life aint a bed of roses...it rarely even smells like one. But I suppose it's the hope of the missing fragrance which keeps us going.
On a similar note, talking about smells, memory and smell go hand in hand,everyone knows that. But today I realised even clothes do that.And movies and quotes and so many things.What's interesting is that the same thing that would bring a smile to your face,invariably is also things you avoid if something goes wrong. I know how many times I have not taken a particular route home just to avoid the happy memories flooding back to be painful.Does that even make sense?But time changes all that eventually.And maybe then you can go back to smiling when you hear or see or smell something familiar. These associations can completely mindfuck you but then you live with it.
Feeling rusty suddenly.........think I have forgotten how to write.I miss the days when words would just flow like the verbal diarrhoea I indulge in most of the time... anyway here's to getting back on my feet...in every aspect...
I realised that I'm a very angry human being.I don't show it often but when I do it's quite terrible.But I think I've calmed down now....was re-reading an old blog post and realised that some amount of anger has crawled under a rock.Good.May it stay there for a while. Some things are best healed with time and then seems inconsequential. So has a lot of things....
One thing that I learnt very recently that relationships are investments which are subject to market risks.I mean in every relationship we put in so much and only make just about that much progress yet that doesn't stop us from investing more.It's the crunch time when we realise 'oh fuck'. Said bye to a friend recently who I know for just about 6 months and yet cried buckets while holding each other at the airport.Why? I thought to myself that I'm not gonna invest in any relationship anytime soon.Just takes too much out of me. Life aint a bed of roses...it rarely even smells like one. But I suppose it's the hope of the missing fragrance which keeps us going.
On a similar note, talking about smells, memory and smell go hand in hand,everyone knows that. But today I realised even clothes do that.And movies and quotes and so many things.What's interesting is that the same thing that would bring a smile to your face,invariably is also things you avoid if something goes wrong. I know how many times I have not taken a particular route home just to avoid the happy memories flooding back to be painful.Does that even make sense?But time changes all that eventually.And maybe then you can go back to smiling when you hear or see or smell something familiar. These associations can completely mindfuck you but then you live with it.
Feeling rusty suddenly.........think I have forgotten how to write.I miss the days when words would just flow like the verbal diarrhoea I indulge in most of the time... anyway here's to getting back on my feet...in every aspect...
Monday, March 24, 2008
Have successfully gone out of my mind.Have not studied.Drowning in the sorrow of Arsenal's defeat and dreading meeting people who will add insult to injury.Tried to feel better by listening to Bonguly and T.V.Carpio's cover of The Beatles' "I Wanna Hold Your Hand".It's truly fantastic.Jiboney boddo beshi chaap.Think I'll just go to sleep for now and escape reality for a bit.
Friday, March 21, 2008
I hate liars and cheaters!Right now I feel like bashing someones head throw the fucking wall!It disgusts me.urrrrgh!!! It creeps me out.........how can some people be so blind to things.I'm too stupid i think for trusting people.Fuck you!Fuck you! Now the hurt is pure rage and disgust.If you ever cross my path God fuckin help you. A thousand baths and showers wont ever cleanse me of my mistake and a million baths and showers wont ever cleanse you of your sins.Fuck you! Fuck you! I rue the day I met you.Wish I had never. Wish you were never born.Fuck You! Feel like yelling at the top of my lungs....instead I sit here writing this and wishin that you get exactly what you deserve since you deserve nothing more than pity.Shame on you but above all shame on me.....
I realise this post doesnt make sense....it doesnt make sense to me either.Im just angry....soooooooo angry...feel violated and so angry!Maybe something I'll channel this anger into something productive.Till then I hope some people dont cross my path.....the war part of me has suddenly been awakended.....
I realise this post doesnt make sense....it doesnt make sense to me either.Im just angry....soooooooo angry...feel violated and so angry!Maybe something I'll channel this anger into something productive.Till then I hope some people dont cross my path.....the war part of me has suddenly been awakended.....
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Someone(T) old me today that I had changed....and then someone(S)told me I should change.
Isn't that ironic?Same day and two people say to very different things.So then what really is real?(shit that sounds like one of shantanuda's lectures!)I agree with one and disagree with the other.I have changed but it's just a phase.Being the way T made me out to be is something im inherently not but something I had to adopt in order to survive in a way........to keep my sanity intact I guess.Being slightly more sensitive, I needed to be.Apologies to those who thought I wasn't being me and got caught in a whirlwind of things that did not involve them.Maybe soon I will return to dancing in the sand.....just seemed to have lost my rhythm for the time being.And as for S....for reasons I cant even begin to explain I won't change.Maybe it sounds weird when I try,maybe I'm thought as being very very retarded but keeping myself intact if most important to me.Come love,come friendship,come family.....acceptance.Accept me for who I am.I accept you for who you are.No one should change for anyone then essentially who the hell are you?Just when you think you know someone,you realise you never did.I agree that the only constant in life is change but not with the very things that tick.Some parts of me are just as basic as the air I breathe and I can't live without those things.Call them idiosyncrasies, call them what you will.At the end of the day I know I sleep happy.And the days I don't,I wonder what I did wrong......
Random thoughts, I know, but these days randomness makes sense to me.Logic is lost on me, I think but that doesnt mean that irrationality is the recipe for the day. God! I think I'm losing the thread here.......I think I'll stop....
Isn't that ironic?Same day and two people say to very different things.So then what really is real?(shit that sounds like one of shantanuda's lectures!)I agree with one and disagree with the other.I have changed but it's just a phase.Being the way T made me out to be is something im inherently not but something I had to adopt in order to survive in a way........to keep my sanity intact I guess.Being slightly more sensitive, I needed to be.Apologies to those who thought I wasn't being me and got caught in a whirlwind of things that did not involve them.Maybe soon I will return to dancing in the sand.....just seemed to have lost my rhythm for the time being.And as for S....for reasons I cant even begin to explain I won't change.Maybe it sounds weird when I try,maybe I'm thought as being very very retarded but keeping myself intact if most important to me.Come love,come friendship,come family.....acceptance.Accept me for who I am.I accept you for who you are.No one should change for anyone then essentially who the hell are you?Just when you think you know someone,you realise you never did.I agree that the only constant in life is change but not with the very things that tick.Some parts of me are just as basic as the air I breathe and I can't live without those things.Call them idiosyncrasies, call them what you will.At the end of the day I know I sleep happy.And the days I don't,I wonder what I did wrong......
Random thoughts, I know, but these days randomness makes sense to me.Logic is lost on me, I think but that doesnt mean that irrationality is the recipe for the day. God! I think I'm losing the thread here.......I think I'll stop....
Sunday, March 02, 2008
And it rained fire.....
It's been a while I know and for some reason cant even pinpoint why.Maybe I've been lazy,maybe bored but I do know that busy could be one of the reasons.Maybe because for the last 4 months I have learnt to live.And it all came to a stupendous end.The roars,the applause,the feeling that I wanted to hold on to forever....I wanted to keep dreaming.....
I know I'll never really ever get out of 'Video' mode and I dont think I ever want to.Read what a friend had to say about it and that moved me more to tears.Part of me wanted to run off stage and sit with everyone and watch this masterpiece unfold in front of me and the other just wanted that adrenalin to keep pumpin so i could keep dancing to the beat of the dhaki's.Some things can never be repeated....trauma at ripon street during the riot scene,boudi's heart wrenching wail,dang's outstanding monologue,shambhu and D.S. as 2 halves of the imperfect entity called life or more specifically dreams......and I hope they can never be replicated.Just like the joy,the anger,the frustration,the dejection that we all felt during the 4 months.We pretty much lived with each other,brought out our best and our worst and above all accepted everything despite everything.This seems so general and blah but that's just it....I'm at a loss for words.I honestly can't think of anything fabulous or intelligent to say.I'm not even going to try and comment on the performances because anything I can say will pale in comparison to what actually was manifested.So I think I'll just say...'Wow'.3 letters....insignificant but it almost sums up what I'm still feeling and will continue to feel.I feel so small compared to the grandeur of Video........and yet so important and so proud.I thank Kanti and Tanaji for giving me Video...........for giving me a memory that I will guard fiercely with my life....
Didn't ever think it could take so much from me.........tears I shed were real,to be a part of something so breathtaking and this I saw without even seeing the play. Simon and Garfunkel ask "Is the theatre really dead?" and I saw quietly 'No not while people with such vision and dreams are around'........Inspiration is one thing and changing a life is something else.I think I fell in love in the course of Video....think I fell head over heels in love with the stage.I'm not an actor,I'm not a star but by God I love the smell of the stage.Standing at the edge,looking at an empty,dark auditorium after the last show,I closed my eyes and saw them all smiling,standing,hooting,applauding,appreciating......and I wasn't dreaming.....
I can go on and on about Video and maybe I will bore other poor souls about it for years to come but at the end of the day....that was the bloody two....
I know I'll never really ever get out of 'Video' mode and I dont think I ever want to.Read what a friend had to say about it and that moved me more to tears.Part of me wanted to run off stage and sit with everyone and watch this masterpiece unfold in front of me and the other just wanted that adrenalin to keep pumpin so i could keep dancing to the beat of the dhaki's.Some things can never be repeated....trauma at ripon street during the riot scene,boudi's heart wrenching wail,dang's outstanding monologue,shambhu and D.S. as 2 halves of the imperfect entity called life or more specifically dreams......and I hope they can never be replicated.Just like the joy,the anger,the frustration,the dejection that we all felt during the 4 months.We pretty much lived with each other,brought out our best and our worst and above all accepted everything despite everything.This seems so general and blah but that's just it....I'm at a loss for words.I honestly can't think of anything fabulous or intelligent to say.I'm not even going to try and comment on the performances because anything I can say will pale in comparison to what actually was manifested.So I think I'll just say...'Wow'.3 letters....insignificant but it almost sums up what I'm still feeling and will continue to feel.I feel so small compared to the grandeur of Video........and yet so important and so proud.I thank Kanti and Tanaji for giving me Video...........for giving me a memory that I will guard fiercely with my life....
Didn't ever think it could take so much from me.........tears I shed were real,to be a part of something so breathtaking and this I saw without even seeing the play. Simon and Garfunkel ask "Is the theatre really dead?" and I saw quietly 'No not while people with such vision and dreams are around'........Inspiration is one thing and changing a life is something else.I think I fell in love in the course of Video....think I fell head over heels in love with the stage.I'm not an actor,I'm not a star but by God I love the smell of the stage.Standing at the edge,looking at an empty,dark auditorium after the last show,I closed my eyes and saw them all smiling,standing,hooting,applauding,appreciating......and I wasn't dreaming.....
I can go on and on about Video and maybe I will bore other poor souls about it for years to come but at the end of the day....that was the bloody two....
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