Been having the most warped weekend ever. It's a mixture of the good and the bad. It's the kind that makes you question how the good can make you feel bad. It's insane. Things are always so complicated. Simplicity and me are just not meant to be together.
   Yes. I know that a part of me feels the happiest I have been in months but a part of me is writhing in pain. I suppose it's that time of the year. Time to usher in the new and let go of  the old. A time for change. But sometimes changes aren't always good. Sure they happen for a reason and maybe in the long run it makes sense but at that moment...nothing does. Perhaps I should embrace that change and not question it or above all be suspicious of it. I am blessed with some constants and maybe that's what helps me adjust to the change.
   In the last few months so many things have changed. People, places, seasons, situations, equations...almost nothing seems familiar. And just when I feel that I'm about to sink, a familiar smell floats in through with the north wind. The softness of my pillow makes me happy.The way Leto looks at me makes me realise somethings stand the test of time. The love in my mother's voice when she calls me, even when she scolds me doesn't change and I am grateful. So grateful.
    The last few months have pushed me to the edge just thinking of the unfamiliar and the uncertain. There is a beauty in it. The thrill, the challenge, the rediscovery. But also the fear, the insecurity. Haven't slept in 48 hours and sleep still eludes me. A part of me thinks I'll miss out on something. A part of me wants to sleep and never wake up. I don't mean something as morbid as death but just the apprehension of waking up to a world I can't comprehend. Yet every morning I wake up and do the same old thing I did yesterday and the day before. Can one really be the same and changed at the same time? I've started believing that. I seem to be going round and round in circles with this one. It makes sense and doesn't too.
    Anyhoo tomorrow is another day. I will be who I am or who I'm supposed to be. Supposed to be not in the sense as the way people want me to be (which would probably be simplest) but the way I'm supposed to snugly find my place in the vastness of life. Life that is not just my own but the one which wouldn't be with the others.
    Someone once said that the reason that we stay up all night and surf the net is to establish the fact that we are alive and we exist. If we just sat in one corner and just read or thought, there are no witnesses to the fact we exist. I had never really thought of it that way and the thought frightens me a little. Perhaps there is truth in it. Perhaps that's why I am up blogging at 2am. Just to establish my existence. Damn you Beckett!
    On that rather pensive note, I depart. Where am I going to? What will I do there? Will I even get there? If I do get there will anyone know I'm there? Questions make the world go round not love. Love's just a part of it. They both float around in the air. I have been capturing the questions for a while. Perhaps it's time to capture love? But look, I just captured another question. So then if questions exist, so should love. Just as answers and betrayals exist. I found two. Still searching for the other two. Time to hit enter.