Damn I think I have forgotten how to write. I have no words. So I think I'll just borrow someone else's.

"One day I will find the right words, and they will be simple." Jack Kerouac

I'm listening to a piece I have never heard before and have no idea who it is by.....at my request to want to get completely mind fucked I have been given this....It's hauntingly beautiful and sad. Guess that fits the mood...

Is it half empty or is it half full?
Or is it just the glass?
Is it about the push or is is the pull?
Or is it just something that's meant to pass?

Do we take a bite or do we throw it out?
Or do we not even pick it up?
Do we stay silent or do we shout?
Or do just pass the cup?

Take a swig and swirl it?
Or gargle and spit it?
Are we meant to swallow?
Are we meant to be hollow?

Vow abstinence or take a hit?
Should we stand or should we sit?
Should we walk around the park?
Or sit alone in the dark?

Choices must be made,
Promises must be laid,
Keep it or break it,
But you can't escape it.

This is the truth, this is life,
Kisses like rain, cuts like a knife.
Hate it or love it,
But you can't deny it.
But you can't escape it.

A new year in full swing...already 3 months down. And even in that time its been such a crazy rollercoaster ride. There are days when I'm laughing my head off and others when I just want to crawl into a hole and cry myself to death. Nearly everyday I hear about someone or the other with terribly ill health, breaking relationships. I'm still trying my level best to keep afloat but let's face it...damaged goods are meant to go under and occasionally surface. I hear the sound of her wings and flinch. Wonder what she wants now...I can never tell why she comes till it's bloody in my face. She brought me more damaged goods. Threw them at me to sift through and decide which ones are the most affected and which ones can be passed over. Still deciding...
It was so perfect for a while. So perfect. And in the perfect moment I knew it was jinxed. And I'm always right. Yeah so I'm hurtling down at break-neck speed but everything else around me is and even that is not good. It's started spiraling again. I feel like I'm on stage again but I don't know the script and someone else is controlling my every move. Moments of hubris and aidos and eros and philia and eudaimonia create and destroy me. Faith falters. But must push through. It still beats, I still feel. And don't want to lose that. Don't want to be the kind who denies being in pain or pleasure. Will embrace both. But surely I'm allowed to fall sometimes right? So I'm choosing to free fall now. Let's see where, when and how I land.

As someone once very aptly said..."Fug the lug". =D


And so it shall be done....


And so it has been done.....


(psssssst....ok so Im not totally hating the red. But then again what do I know? I'm purple.) =)

Having the most surreal weekend so far. Spent yesterday walking around in JNU, climbing rocks and reliving someone else's college days...realised I missed mine too and it got me thinking whether things will have changed when I go back to where I became me. Perhaps change is a good thing but question is whether we are really ready for it. Was just talking to someone about how Flury's is no longer what it used to be but it's not that it's a mediocre place but just that Flury's used to mean so much more. It was the entire idea behind the entire Flury's experience and not really about Flury's and the quality of the meal there. It's even in simple things like forgetting about the zoo or Nicco Park. My mum seems to be re-living her childhood...she has spent her winter days going to the zoo, Nicco Park and Victoria Memorial and all of a sudden I'm so envious of her.
Coming back to surreal weekend...yesterday was spent in a daze...could be a nicotine withdrawal I was having or maybe because I just wanted to be spaced out. I took a long bus ride and didn't even mind it. And it wasn't even the new swanky bus but the old DTC bus. I know I was looking out the window but nothing really registered...everything was a hazy blur....just a million colours swirling together. Perhaps that's what an acid trip is like.
Today started even stranger....woke up early on a saturday morning and couldn't go back to sleep and had a bizarre dream. Been having weird dreams-about such unlikely people, in unlikely situations. Something my subconscious is fighting quite a battle and I'm oblivious to it. Sat and watched A sleep and thought that someone had found peace, even if only for awhile. Somewhere something doesn't feel right. Perhaps I have identified the demons, but unsure of how to deal with them. Spent the day with A but it wasn't her. Or maybe it wasn't me. I feel like a caterpillar changing into a butterfly only not so beautiful. It's more the cocoon than anything else. And again I've begun to ramble. The cesspool in my head is at its best. I suppose the only clarity I felt was sitting in front of the Gohonzon and chanting for half an hour. For that time I felt free and at peace. I need answers...need to figure out the issues....need freedom....or is that it what I'm looking for? Perhaps in a few days it will blow over. Or maybe I need to be blown in the direction the cold north wind takes me.

Once upon time in a land not so far away, lived a princess in her palace surrounded by a moat. Every time she cried it would rain and the water in the moat would rise. The draw bridge would go under water but her loyal subjects would brave it and visit it. She was truly loved. The winters saw the palace lit brightly and the voices of the merry folk, singing and laughing into the wee hours of the night. And she was happy. It was a ritual of sorts. She did not know any different. The furthest she was ever used to was the vibrant kingdom of scholars, musicians, gamblers and mary jane. And that was her world. The Queen Mother had pretty much relinquished power to her and being young, naive and sometimes a brat, she would abuse the power more often than not. Balls and dances were a routine in her life and she knew no better. She was in no hurry to grow up and dreaded the day she would be expected to be 'responsible'. Not for her people but for herself. Her closest friends, especially her Knight in waiting, too thought that this cushioned life would be forever. But one by one, her friends left...to go to other kingdoms to rule over,in the eternal quest for knowledge and perhaps even to find themselves. Her loyal Knight left too...to a land from where he would not return. Suddenly her perfect world was thrown into turmoil. Somehow she knew...it was time. Perhaps her subjects had willed it, perhaps fate had destined it. Into exile she must go. Far away from the one place that she knew to be her own. This was her quest. So she packed her bags...and realised that her entire life almost fit into 3 bags. What did she really have to show for her existence for all those years? Scared, sad and unsure she stepped out of the palace and got into the carriage which would take her to her new 'home'. She turned to take one last look at to the life she was leaving behind. The life of comfort, pampering and security. But what she saw made her smile. Her friends, the Queen, her subjects and the invisible Knight looking at her, encouragingly, wishing her well for her new adventure. Their confidence comforted her. Perhaps she was ready. And she realised that all the things she was leaving behind would remain while she found new things to embrace. She would not be alone. They were there as were others waiting for her. She would find joy, security, independence, perhaps even love. She boarded the carriage and was whisked away, not knowing when she would return. But for the first time she was not bothered by it.

As she sat in her new home, in the dead of the night, she remembered all those who make her life complete and worthwhile. Perhaps the balls don't happen anymore, perhaps she isn't naive anymore, perhaps she now knows what it is to depend on herself and be free. Or perhaps it's just the love that keeps her pushing forward...

Miss you....A,M,N,J,P,C,R,P,A,S,R and M. And thank you. For making me who I am today. I'm no longer a stranger to myself.

Rage. Geyser doesnt work. Metro not on time. Couldn't read what I wanted to. Misunderstanding. Boss yelling. Literally jumped over someone and into the metro. Daydreaming on the metro and nearly forgot to get off at my stop. Pushed around and poked and socked in the eye in the bus. Depleted account. Daniel Powter saying "So you had bad day..." made me smile. Illustrator behaved. Lunch with colleagues. Long weekend. Chance meeting with a friend. New haircut. Maggi made by my best friend. Comforting conversation with someone who understands be so well. Catching up with old friends. A familiar goodnight call.....yup. My last 24 hours have been eventful.

Sometimes I just wonder....what took me so long?

There is something so beautiful about people laughing. Whether it is intoxicant induced or otherwise, when people laugh, and I mean really laugh, something good does happen to the world. In that moment everything else is forgotten...the worries, the sadness,everything that possible makes up the rest of the day. Today I laughed like a maniac surrounded by beautiful people who were laughing from their souls and it felt so bloody good. I also experienced love. The kind of love that inspires and makes you feel like there is something so wonderful about the world and that is what it should be all the time. Somewhere I felt like I was invading something sacred and wished there was a way I could slip away and let that aura just continue....but I'm so glad that I could feel the overwhelming effect. So here's to the two individuals who have so much love for each other and so much love to share.Am blessed to be a part of the domino effect. Somehow that just increases my ability to love, every single day.=)

She smiled to herself as she slowly disconnected the modem. A long night ahead. Silence surrounded her which seemed so comforting. Suddenly the glare of the computer was gone and she was plunged into darkness. The familiar sense of the dark overwhelmed and she continued to smile. She closed her eyes and imagined the stark difference in what life had thrown her way. Black and white. A bright light emanated from her soul and for once she didn't crave for the darkness...

The phone beeped into the night and she just gazed at the blinking light but did not move to either answer or cancel the call. It would stop eventually. The name flashing on it made her smile some more. She probably should answer it but for once she'd give it a miss even though perhaps this was the call she was waiting for, for so long. The light stopped blinking... it beeped once more indicating a text message. She put out her hand and read it. The service providers obviously did not believe in the concept of sleep at night. Just like her. It beeped again. This time she was not disappointed. She smiled and went to hit delete. Something stopped her. She thought long and hard about what to reply with. In the end...she would succumb. Best to hold out while she still could. She put the phone down and looked to her left and smiled. She bent down and kissed his forehead. She loved him... of that there was no doubt. She'd given up so much for him and have never regretted any of it. He stirred in his sleep and sighed. She'd always thought he looked almost angelic when he was asleep. She could have sat there all night watching him sleep. Infact she had done so on so many occasions. Just to hear him breathe. Watching as with every breath and every twitch he was dreaming about the perfect world. She dreamt too. But she'd always believed she has her perfect world. There was nothing more she could ask for. She had it all. She kissed his forehead again and that familiar flipflop in her stomach happened all over again. There was such a strange feeling in her heart. She could feel how much she loved him and how much he loved her and it was truly enough. She reached out and picked up her shawl and draped it over her shoulders and got out of bed. It was 3am.She walked to the verandah. The december air slapped her face but she didn't feel the cold at all. She stared out into the darkness and it struck her how dark it truly was. Ordinarily the moonlight, even with the moon behind the clouds, was enough for the tall buildings to cast a shadow. But tonight it was pitch black and deathly silent. She turned and walked in. She stood at the foot of the bed and watched him breathe, watched him dream about his perfect world. She went to the front door and opened it and stepped out. She stood there for a moment, and looked back inside. She smiled. This was her perfect world, where everything was exactly how she wanted it to be. She shut the door behind her and the darkness of the night engulfed her...

New File

So I'm sitting in my room...in my house...sorry...my NEW house. And it's so surreal. Most people when they take the plunge I did, look forward to it with such enthusiasm and excitement yet I chose to look at it with apprehension and trepidation. I kept thinking about all the things I was leaving behind and just refused to look at the things that I would gain. I firmly believed that only my past really meant something and this city was taking it all away. Yet another reason to hate this city, I thought. But yesterday, as I made my way to work crossing India Gate, I suddenly felt goosebumps and realised how beautiful this city looks on a crisp wintry morning. It was cloudy and cold and yet I felt so warm inside. I realised that I was in love...
Immediately felt guilty that I had let down my home...that I had taken up a new lover and cheated on the one who had been by my side for all my life. Guilty pleasure. If one can be in love with two people why not with two places? Yes maybe I have not yet made my peace with the loud, aggro, reckless, insensitive people around me, and I want to scream at the amount of aimless wandering I must do to make my way HOME yet there is something so beautiful about this city. If Kolkata has heritage and culture and intellectuals, Delhi has history, a sense of pride and overwhelming smell of power. And I inhale hungrily. Yes it does help to come home to a the same smiling face I have adored for the last zillion years. But then I'm beginning to appreciate the newer smiling faces, knowing that once again I will be able to say the same about them after the next zillion years. Had I moved to a place where I knew noone and nothing, I'd probably want to curl up and die and I was convinced I'd feel like that here too but I don't. I know I'm taken care of. By ones who've been through the shit with me and the ones who will. I know I will not go hungry, sleepless or unloved. What more could I ask for? So I let go of my prejudices and embrace the whirlwind that is Delhi. I see a long lasting love-hate relationship with a place that will be home for this new chapter of my life. I shall stop being scared.
Kolkata, I love you and always will.... But it is time to fall in love again :) And fall in love I will.
Thank you for all the fish... :)

For Snugglypoppykins

So basically while I sit drumming in the jungle, I get scolded for not updating my blog. So basically you're a Devil Woman.So basically I will try to make someone happy. So basically this one's for you. And I need to stop saying 'so basically'. But it would help if I knew what to write about. A little nudge in the right direction. Anyone??
So basically I realise that what ever I churn out will not make me happy coz I've been ODing on Allie and after that realised I can't write. Ohk so won't be THAT harsh on myself....but you get what I mean right?? You!! I'm talking to you!!! Yes you!!! After all this is for you.
So.........the other day my office got a call for a consignment of drums. Oh wait. You know that story. :( Okay.... tap tap tap....drum fingertips....(note how I used the word drum???!!) Ohk so I was delirious after taking painkillers yesterday....No.Hang on. You know that too....(end of my tether I'm reaching I tell you.) Ummmm....so today my office loo has no water....dammit...I told you that din't I??? I are sorrow.
So okay...let's make up stuff to entertain you.....I flew on my unicorn to work today. Yes he can fly and no he still does not have a name and yes he's a he. He's mine. I decide. You can't make me do anything...especially since I CAN feel my forehead. (yessssssss managed to fit in one more victim). Yeah so basically  (oh no!! it's a disease I tell you...no...wait...ombol.) Yeah so where was I??? Oh trying to entertain you....(my boss just totally loves me....I'm on FB, Gtlk and Blogging all at the same time!!! Yeah SALARYYYYYY!!) Did you know some said that Minu was panting and when asked why Minu said "Cause I just came." I couldn't stop laughing. Yes I know I'm being a 12 year old. But if you knew who said it you'd understand the humour. Pssssssst...call me and I'll tell you.( and for some reason 'Fear of the Dark' has been playing on my Ipod and I dint notice or change it cause I was so busy writing this. Seeeeeeeeeeeee how much your reprimand meant to me???) Okay...now I'm seriously running out of things to say..... so maybe this entertains you for a bit while I go look for my brain which seemed to have rolled off somewhere. (Did you know Brian is an anagram of Brain??? of course you did...long live BSB!!!) :p okay so now I go to eat lunch (hunger could be the reason why this post is so random...but don't you just love random rambling???) *Exit. Chased by hunger.*

Faith

It's been more than a month....and so much has changed. And in the best possible way. I found something to believe in. I found faith again. A lot had happened which shook my faith and my cynicism got the better of me. But in the last one month I found one of those missing pieces in my life. I think I was always meant to embrace the life I was leading but it had to be at the right moment. Since then, there's been no looking back. I fret a lot less and let go of so many things that used to hold me back. I'm changing. Everyday. Every single second. The beauty lies in the fact that it was all there and I'm slowly beginning to realise that. And it makes me happy. I've stopped being completely cynical but know that there still is some purging left to be done. But I'm not worried. I'm confident it will happen.
It amazes me how some people just randomly enter your life and without even meaning to make YOUR own life a lot more meaningful. And then there are those who have always been there but we didn't really think that we could ever be more than acquaintances. How our preconceived notions get shot to hell and we are left wondering "How did not see this before?" Now I accept the fact that we make these judgement calls so that someday they get shattered and we are pleasantly reassured that inherently we knew what we were doing when we befriended them.
I go off to Shantiniketan tomorrow. With a rather motley crew. Some whom I love dearly and some who I don't know at all. We will live and breathe together for a few days and somewhere we will make memories which will never get erased. Memories keep me going. Unpleasant ones which act as constant reminders of how we must learn from them. The beautiful ones which make you smile even after the corners of those memories have started to yellow. I'm not a painter, a photographer or film maker....I capture things in my mind's eye and take in every detail. All the memories which I hold so close to my soul...I can still remember the smells, the sounds and sights. Every detail is etched. I know I cannot replicate on any canvas or film or even write to do them justice. But I will look back at them and reaffirm my faith that those things were meant to happen and I'm meant to make more such memories. I was looking for peace of mind and a happy existence and I'm confident I'm on the right path. With a little help for some people who give me nudges now and then.

I'm just glad to find out that I still believe...

9

9 and counting...

Old Guard

After ages, it was just chillin it bits of the old guard. The same songs, same faces, same jokes, same intoxicants, same game. Was awesome to realise that three people in Kolkata thinking the exact same thing at the exact same time. Water water everywhere! Thank you S, P, A, and R for making it such a warm evening.

All I want is you....

I stopped to smile.

=)

If only for a while....

Good for my soul.

Wheels in motion.

The bird on the wire flew.

A distant goal (pun intended).

I'm getting there.

Slowly but surely.

=)

Hesitance.Annoyance.Heat.Broken hindi.Familiar face.Tight hugs.A bottle of beer.Long chat on the terrace.Fifa.Random visit.Kababs.Catchin up on 5 years.Shopping.Red teeth and lips.Jude.More kababs.Resonating laughter.India Gate.Shiny psychedelic lights.Hijus.Walks. Mineral water.More Fifa.Uncertain plans.Final destination. ISBT. Offloading. Reboarding.Being anal.12 hour drive.Avomine free.Nip in the morning air. Fiona Apple.Joshua Radin. Mountains.Cha. Conversation with locals. 20 min walk. Snow. Different colour of green. Different colour of sunlight.Buddhist monks. Peace. Sleep. More walks. Photos. Crazy mutts. Missing Leto. Michael's Cafe. Back to school. Beef thukpa. 3 hours of mad singing. 16 hours powercut. Adda with my heart and soul. Chants. Darkness. Night Sky. Zillion stars. 9 shooting stars. U2, The Album Leaf, Nina Simone. Feeling fortunate. Soul searching. Serenity. Screaming kids. Disgusting loos. 10 bottles of mineral water. Autos. Cheap shopping. Expensive lunch. Soaked in sweat. Upper class venue. Overbearing ushers. Touching film. Volatile room.2 known faces in a roomful of strangers. Smile. Piece of home. AC.Ruins.Best friend.Old antique shop. Shiny happy people. Warmth. Being 12/13. Jackpot. Even more Fifa. Cream. Stoned. Laptop in freezer. Sleep. Cold. CP. Lunch as an adult not as a child. Autowalla from Malda. Lecture. Philosophy.Homeless. Tension. Hysteria. Thousand phonecalls. Asylum. Hand held out. New friend. Mistaken ages. Pharyngitis.Blowing nose. 3 and half books in 2 days. All American breakfast. Stuffed to the gills. The face that makes me smile always. Acquaintances made-friendships forged. Business done. Wanderings among multitude of faces and colours. Fruit beer. Bees. Funny video material. Hands full. Tickles and laughter. Beautiful home. Yet more Fifa. Torn packages. Sneezes. Revenge. Endless hours of talking with someone just met but with a sense of familiarity. Promises of future visits. Incessant jabbering and antics. Nearly mowing down a man. Saying see ya later as opposed to bye.Wake up Sid.Chinese.Whisky.Pork underbelly. Prawns.Last night.Final adda session.Packing.Delayed train.

Looking out of the window, watching the train pull out of the station. Something stirred inside me. It's a familiar feeling but would have never thought it would come at the end of this trip. I didn't hate it. I think I'll kinda miss it too.

Dilli.....


Thanks to those who made this trip so very special. You know who you are. And if you don't, then you suck.

Read a new blog today. And read a certain post. And I realised....I can't write. I don't mean I can't write because I'm not equipped enough but just that somewhere along this twisted road I forgot to write from where it matters. Some days are good when I see a glimmer of who I really am but mostly I'm sure my writing isn't even really me.

These words that stare blankly back at me...do they mean anything? Is this real? Or will I again look back and say this was not me? I want to be able to look past the words I pen down. I want to see what I have penned down. I want to see where they came from. I don't want to be pretentious. I don't want to think I'm writing something worthwhile when it is actually trash. I need to hit the delete button a lot more in my life. Somewhere in the last few months I lost myself in the exact thing that I despise....romanticising the trivial, frivolous things in my life. I became that person I want to slap so hard the minute they sigh. I became a whiner.


         Whine.

                       Whine.

                                         Whine.



But now I stop myself just in time. I don't have the time to whine. I don't feel the need to. I don't have reason to. It's all about perspective at the end of the day isn't it? My perspective shifted in the last few days. It's been a whirlwind. It's been a whirlwind romance with myself. And I'm glowing. I don't feel the need to be loud, vociferous and verbose. I'd rather just not say anything. Been told I talk less these days. I'm glad. I'm proud. One less complication. My head whirs at the speed of light. All the time. Maybe that's why I still remember my dreams. Happiness. I know what you are now. It isn't about a pasted smile or hearty laugh all the time. It's about accepting everything. The joys and the sorrows. It's about peace. Yes, the inside of my head is a cesspool, filled with garbage that should be flushed. Yet, I smile. I smile knowing that the inside of my head is a cesspool, filled with garbage that should be flushed. Cause there must be an outlet somewhere right? I'll float there eventually and that's the thrill. That's the peace.

I leave behind all that is familiar. I have no time to breathe between 20 odd years of something and 20-30 odd years of something else. I will be strapped behind a desk, 10-6, 5 days a week. But can't you just see me beaming? I'm not really there. I'm even smiling now as I write this. A piece of writing which I'm sure is like the rubbish in my head. But it's my rubbish and I love it.




Thank you.
Thank you for making me realise.
Thank you for making me question myself.
Thank you for making me rummage through the trash.
Thank you...




I have tried to flush way too many times. Think I'll just take the dump and flush just that one last time.....

Consummatum Est

People have been doing it for the last few days and I promised myself that I wouldn't join the bandwagon because that would indicate accepting that it's over. I refuse to accept that it's over.I refuse! I refuse! I refuse...?
I guess I cant run away from the fact that it is time. Consummatum Est. Today is our farewell. Still got a couple of hours to go till I step into the AV Room where I have bid farewell to so many others. How I wish I was again back to being the one doing the send-off instead of being sent off. I promised myself I would not cry...am not holding my breath. When I left school I felt a part of my heart shudder and then lay at peace but this time, my heart refuses to stop shaking, it will not go down easily. My head says this is not the end but the beginning of something new and that something must end for something to start but my heart...my stupid foolish heart... A friend very recently told me that it's a shame I did not fall in love during my JU years. That's simply not true. I had one of the most torrid love affairs with JUDE. I don't think I have ever felt this pained on saying goodbye. JUDE had the power to turn the most  naive idiot into someone more well prepared for the world. I have been there through so many changes but yet the essence of JUDE remains the same. One can still come here and find a sea of people indulging in so many things, living in harmony and still calling it home. I believe it was Home to many 30 years ago and it will continue to be so 30 years from now. The familiar faces will become the ghosts that haunt the corridor. But one hopes they will not be forgotten. From chasing professors down the stairs to being chased by professors down the stairs, I did it all in my undergrad. Once the masters started I knew we had arrived. There was a sense of "This is my town...tread carefully". The enemies from elsewhere had arrived. JUDE inculcates that air. But soon the enemies were welcomed in and disappeared in the mesh that was PG. We thought that they wouldn't understand, they wouldn't feel it and somewhere today I know I was right. I guess 2 years isn't enough to make you realise what you are a part of. It is a pity. But then there are those who would put stalwarts to shame and it was indeed an honour sharing the class with them.The enemies now became part of the collective force who stood up for JUDE against all the other plebs! :p (okay I might just get murdered for that one. Peace peace!) PiGII was when it started dawning on me that my love affair came with an expiry date. And today I think I finally finished my cans of pineapples. I can't promise a shiny happy face today. There will be those who will think that I'm off my rockers if I cried. I do beg your pardon. It isn't everyday that one leaves home. I must thank all those who have made my years at JUDE the best years of my life. Spanning the 8 batches that I have had the good fortune of knowing well, the amazing professors who taught more than just what is in the syllabus and, I borrow a line from a friend,  this journey would not have been possible without the many kind and (not so kind) spirits we met along the way...