Crossing yet another crossroad

Finally. I did it. I finally appeared for my first job interview. All the months of apprehension and fear. And to think that it was over in 10 mins. And I didn't fuck up. All the nightmares were just nightmares. Though I did have a glimpse of P saying " You know naaaaaathing!" But I managed to kick that image aside asap. I think I might have stared at my interviewer a little too hard but that's the extent of my nervousness. I guess I'm not all that nervy. I should learn to give myself a little more credit than that. But yeah! It's over. I feel older, somewhat wiser and definitely more confident. I am pretty proud of me right now.=D I think I'll sleep well tonight.

Wheeeeeeeeeee!!! 1st rain of the year!!!!! Yeahhhhhhh! Sheets and sheets of rain! LG again looking like it would be under water. But so beautiful the weather is. I stepped out into the balcony as soon as it started to rain. Familiar happy smell of wet cement. Oh how I love that smell. This change in weather makes me so happy. Let's hope it stays this way keeping me happy and smiling. I had forgotten how much I loved the rain. Got soaked to the bone and it felt so fucking GOOD! What a wonderful evening.
Ooooooo and KKR won as well. Ah I be very happy!

I don't know what it is. I can't put my finger on it. But you definitely do something to me. I found that I could laugh thanks to someone else. But you seem to know how to make me love laughing. I have started loving myself again. I love the way you say my name. Don't think anyone has said my name like that. There is so much emotion in your voice when you get serious. I love the way you look at me when you smile. I love the way your eyes twinkle up when you smile. The corners of your lips curve. Did you know that? When you are in a particularly mischievous mood, your eyes sparkle. You challenge me. Everyday. But it is so easy with you. So easy to talk to you. You're one of the few people with whom I don't try because I don't want to, don't have to. Out of the abyss, you pulled me. Bit by bit. I'm not out yet but I'm getting there. Everyday. I look forward to every moment I spend with you. You seem to be the cold compress for an aching soul. Our lives crossed each other's for a reason. Perhaps you were meant to rescue me. And me? I don't know yet what I'm supposed to do for you. But I'm willing to find out. You reinstated my belief in so many things. I love how you don't put be on a pedestal. You don't go out of your way to make me feel special. Weird thing is that I don't care. That in itself makes me feel special. And I'm petrified. Not of the things that used to scare me before. New things. That's the beauty. of it. I have stepped out of the shade and am willing to take a chance again. Perhaps that's being stupid. But you encourage my stupidity. I'm not floating anywhere but firmly grounded. My roots ensure that there is no way that I will ever be blown away. And I am grateful for them. But you. But you just...I don't think I have ever been so at sea. For the first time I'm not mind fucked. I love that you don't play games with me. Games that can spiral out of control. My rationale is intact. Did you know the other day I smelt something and suddenly I wasn't where I was supposed to be. My instinct was to look around for you. Of course you weren't there. But I couldn't help but smile to myself. You are so unfamiliar and yet so familiar. It's a comfort and an intrigue. No I don't think I'm in love with you. Love is too strong and final. I don't know what it is I feel. Loving you is something that may happen but may not. But yes, I do love you. Deeply, blindly, fiercely. But there is a difference. Do you know that? We are not so different you and I. Perhaps that's the problem or the solution. I don't know...yet. But this I do know-I lowered my guard again. I let you in. Risky business that.People are puzzles to be figured out. You are a Rubic's Cube. I managed to get just one side sorted. And I'm not going to rush myself to complete the entire thing just yet. The full picture will reveal itself to me someday. I can wait. I stand at the end of the road looking at you. Guilty of wanting you to look up. Glad you didn't lest you didn't like what you saw. If you're meant to, you will look up at me and grin. Or pass me by. That is fine too. Atleast you will have passed me by. You are one person who I wouldn't mind letting go off. I held on too long and too hard to so many things. We all make mistakes and God knows, I have made mine. So many times. But you, I will just wish you good luck, if you should choose to walk on without me. Right now I don't know, consciously what I want from you. Perhaps that's why it is so much easier. Perhaps, no, for sure you don't know about the effect you have on me. I myself can't understand what it is. Maybe one day when I understand, so will you. Or perhaps you will make me understand. Or perhaps we shall never know. And no, I'm not in love with you...yet.

Been having the most warped weekend ever. It's a mixture of the good and the bad. It's the kind that makes you question how the good can make you feel bad. It's insane. Things are always so complicated. Simplicity and me are just not meant to be together.
   Yes. I know that a part of me feels the happiest I have been in months but a part of me is writhing in pain. I suppose it's that time of the year. Time to usher in the new and let go of  the old. A time for change. But sometimes changes aren't always good. Sure they happen for a reason and maybe in the long run it makes sense but at that moment...nothing does. Perhaps I should embrace that change and not question it or above all be suspicious of it. I am blessed with some constants and maybe that's what helps me adjust to the change.
   In the last few months so many things have changed. People, places, seasons, situations, equations...almost nothing seems familiar. And just when I feel that I'm about to sink, a familiar smell floats in through with the north wind. The softness of my pillow makes me happy.The way Leto looks at me makes me realise somethings stand the test of time. The love in my mother's voice when she calls me, even when she scolds me doesn't change and I am grateful. So grateful.
    The last few months have pushed me to the edge just thinking of the unfamiliar and the uncertain. There is a beauty in it. The thrill, the challenge, the rediscovery. But also the fear, the insecurity. Haven't slept in 48 hours and sleep still eludes me. A part of me thinks I'll miss out on something. A part of me wants to sleep and never wake up. I don't mean something as morbid as death but just the apprehension of waking up to a world I can't comprehend. Yet every morning I wake up and do the same old thing I did yesterday and the day before. Can one really be the same and changed at the same time? I've started believing that. I seem to be going round and round in circles with this one. It makes sense and doesn't too.
    Anyhoo tomorrow is another day. I will be who I am or who I'm supposed to be. Supposed to be not in the sense as the way people want me to be (which would probably be simplest) but the way I'm supposed to snugly find my place in the vastness of life. Life that is not just my own but the one which wouldn't be with the others.
    Someone once said that the reason that we stay up all night and surf the net is to establish the fact that we are alive and we exist. If we just sat in one corner and just read or thought, there are no witnesses to the fact we exist. I had never really thought of it that way and the thought frightens me a little. Perhaps there is truth in it. Perhaps that's why I am up blogging at 2am. Just to establish my existence. Damn you Beckett!
    On that rather pensive note, I depart. Where am I going to? What will I do there? Will I even get there? If I do get there will anyone know I'm there? Questions make the world go round not love. Love's just a part of it. They both float around in the air. I have been capturing the questions for a while. Perhaps it's time to capture love? But look, I just captured another question. So then if questions exist, so should love. Just as answers and betrayals exist. I found two. Still searching for the other two. Time to hit enter.

Workshop with China Mieville

        The black waters of the lake slowly began to bubble,almost like the concoction brewing in the Coven's cauldron. Still peering from behind the bushes, they noticed that the bubbling had stopped and there was a sudden calm on the waters. Nothing moved. Even the wind was still. It was as if time had stopped. Goddy took a step forward and at that precise moment there was activity in the lake again. From the middle of the lake it rose. It was dark and thus difficult to see. The Coven exchanged glances. And then, as if to answer their unasked question of "what the hell is that???", there was light.
        The creature's head was the source of light. Rather the source of light came from within the creature's skull for that was all there was. A sharp knife seemed to be protruding from the top of the skull. The pale yellow light shone through the hollow eye sockets and open jaws. It did not have much of a neck but there was something that connected that head to the rather feminine body,straitjacketed in a corset, that followed the ascent of the head. It's arms were flapping in the absence of the wind indicating no solid mass with. Finally the body floated up ending in what looked like a fish tail.
        Goddy thought "Mermaid?". Drim Roll thought "Fishy?". OE said "RUN!!!!!!"

Laziness

This is just to say that I'm a douchebag for being lazy and not finishing uploading the rest of my Italy stories. But there is just sooooo much =( Now I'm bored. Now I'm not. Sigh!

To you...

Close your eyes

Have no fear
The monster's gone
He's on the run and your daddy's here
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy

Before you go to sleep
Say a little prayer
Every day in every way
It's getting better and better

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy

Out on the ocean sailing away
I can hardly wait
To see you come of age
But I guess we'll both just have to be patient
'Cause it's a long way to go
A hard row to hoe
Yes it's a long way to go
But in the meantime

Before you cross the street
Take my hand
Life is what happens to you
While you're busy making other plans

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy

Before you go to sleep
Say a little prayer
Every day in every way
It's getting better and better

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy

Don't know why this song is bringing tears to my eyes today...warm fuzzy feeling and hot salty tears...I'm crazy.

Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick and think of you

Caught up in circles
Confusion is nothing new
Flashback, warm nights
Almost left behind
Suitcase of memories
Time after

Sometimes you picture me
I'm walking too far ahead
You're calling to me, I can't hear
What you've said
Then you say, "go slow"
I fall behind
The second hand unwinds

Chorus:
If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
Time after time
If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I will be waiting (I'll be waiting)
Time after time

After my picture fades and darkness has
Turned to gray
Watching through windows
you're wondering if I'm OK
Secrets stolen from deep inside
The drum beats out of time

If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
Time after time

You say "go slow"
I fall behind
The second hand unwinds

Chorus:
If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
Time after time
If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I will be waiting (I'll be waiting)
Time after time (Time after time)

The polka dotted sky, the sweep of the brush

The light dances in her eye, The softest sigh, the quiet hush
A whispered goodbye.

It's the witching hour, the cauldron boils
The light flickers in her eye,
The sweet turns to sour, the joys to toils
A silent goodbye.

There is a calm around, the serenity abound
The light dies in her eye,
The tear stained ground, the empty sound
At last she can die.

    Been walking a lot these days...down the unfamiliar yet familiar road of memory. Some people don't get it. The question it and ask for explanations. I can't offer any. I don't want to offer any. I'm being judged. By the ones I don't expect to be judged by. How can it be wrong when it feels so right?

     Years rolled by and so did the tears and the laughter. We just to cry and laugh together and then we stopped.   Is it strange that now perhaps I want to laugh and cry with them? I love this warm fuzzy feeling inside which I thought I had lost. It's like finding a bit of me that was lost. I love going down that road. It isn't the same road or the same hand I held then but it isn't unfamiliar either. It's the ghost of christmas past in the present leading me into the future and I want to be lead. I want to be lead by them. I know that I'm in safe hands again. I hold onto them, promising to never let them go again. I have found me again. Suddenly at a loss of words. How can one put into words this feeling in the pit of my stomach which is slowly spiraling to my heart? I think somewhere I gave in. Insane bursts of joy and love. I'm aware of life. 

      You have done so much in such short time. You saved me from potential disaster. You breathed life into me again. You redefined so many things in my life. Am I stupid and presumptuous by wanting to jump in? Hang on... I already did. But the beauty is that I'm no longer sinking. Thank you is not enough. You will not understand what I am thanking you for but nevertheless I thank you. I let go of my safety net. I don't need one anymore. 

     Thank you P, R, U. Sorry for coming in late. But I'm so glad I came...

  

Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans....

Have been tripping on this song for days. I listen to it atleast 20 times a day. Such beautiful lyrics. I can happily die if someone wrote such a song for me. He doesn't even deserve it. Sean"Douchebag"Lennon-damn you!!!

I love you...always...don't forget. Forgive my mistakes. Because I still love you.Always. Don't forget

Un-fucking-believable!!! Today has been one of those days where I discovered things about myself. All my life I used to marvel at those who studied the martial arts and basically kicked butt. Certain techniques and moves always fascinated me. Breaking a block of wood was one such thing. I've had daydreams in which I was reigning queen who basically karate chopped and broke those things in a blink. Never really kidded myself into thinking I could...but always wanted to. And today that dream came true. The moment my heel came crashing down on the block and went through, it was such a shock. I believed that I wouldn't be able to do it but really really REALLY wanted to be able to do it. All the times I thought about it I couldn't. The one time I didn't obsess about it, my heel went through the board like butter. It is such an awesome high!!! Fantastic. I feel so proud of myself. I never thought I was that strong. But I guess there is still a lot I don't know about my own body. I'm simply thrilled at my achievement. Thank you Project OBO and thank you Sutapadi. Without you I would have never known this side of me.

I love this picture. I love the way this photo is so sexual and sensual. The way her legs are crossed and the way the light falls on the bed. And you can tell that she isn't just a pretty face. So beautiful.

Just watch her face...

I want to be the man in the picture.

I want to walk down this road. Sudden line of trees like the royal guard making way for a queen. =)

Lord!!! It's been so long. (I seem to have said this before and many times!) And yes a new year starts again. I'm chilled to my bone and loving it despite the frequents bouts of coughing. I love the sun on my back while the tips of my fingers freeze! I love the way the trees look in winter. Summer-I HATE YOU!!! This year will be one of broken hearts and wistful glances. I can tell. Already feeling the wave of nostalgia washing over me. Damn! 5 years...gone by so quickly. How? Where? When? How did I not see this coming? As usual I fell in love again. Always at this time I do knowing full well there just isn't time to love them. Each year I promise it will be different but it's the same vicious cycle. So I take this time to say..."Hello! I fell in love with you. But alas, I do not have the power to stop time and keep loving you. We will move on. I will move on. But I will not forget you. I will miss you. But don't know if I'll still love you. Forgive me for not finding you earlier. Forgive me for not seeing how much you meant to me. Do not know if we will be together again. But it was an honour."
I can almost hear the sound of her wings. She comes quietly but surely. I can see the darkness in the distance. I don't want to go. It's not time. Or perhaps it is...
It's cold.So cold. But the memory keeps me warm. I hope, no, I KNOW they will keep me warm when I'm at my coldest best. That is inevitable.

La Vita Bella

[I was rather pleasantly surprised that I managed to keep a journal during my stay in Italy.I thought I'd write for a couple of days and then get lazy but the beauty of that place is that you don't get lazy!!! I religiously wrote everyday....so here are some extracts from my journal.]



29/09/09 MODENA. 10a.m.

Finally feeling human! Do NOT like flying! Tailbone hurts.Food on flight was decent.Will drink on way back.Zurich Airport huge and gorgeous.Rome airport and Termini uber confusing and people are not helpful in Rome.Gave cig to strange Italian man and 10 cents to an Italian beggar(?!).Took the Eurostar to Bologna-fab train. Just like the movies.(I sound dehati!!). Reached Bologna; starving, tired and piddly!!!Waited for Eli(no clock tower mind you!A random art installation of a clock reading 10:25 not 10:10!!!My girl is just sooooo misinformed. Neither were the hotel landmarks correct.Apparently they changed in the one month she was in India!!!) Then she arrived with Caterina. Sweet girl, very pretty but what a voice! Weather is like in the hills. Days are like sitting on the bridge,soaking in the sun, on a winter's day. Night's are damn cold. Cate drove us to Eli's dad's where I met Davida and her Grandma. Cute boy! But doesn't speak English much. Then her dad....uff instantly like!!! In broken english he said hello and proceeded to say 'I'm your father' while meaning he's eli's father!!! Ate Gnoccho-pizza without the tomato sauce base with prosciutto(ham)! YUMMY!! At around 8 went to her mum's place which was basically head quarters. Now I know how she felt when she was here....ami kicchui bhasha bujhchi na. Lovely dinner of meat and ravioli with pumpkin(never thought kumro would taste this good)Also strangely the water is aerated.Strange to drink fizzy water but fun. Will get tired of it as soon as the novelty wears off.
In the afternoon Eli's mum took us to the city centre. We beautified ourselves in her shop where The Supersonics were being played on the PA system!Then Eli and I walked to the centre. Cobbled roads and paved ones. Musicians on street corners.We walked into Benetton...fuck!!! shoes for 60 euros!!!! Insane!!! Then for my 1st gelato!!! Eli picked out a combo of yogurt, cream, chocolate and muesli! Needless to say only the cream and chocolate hit home! Then to an Irish(?!) pub called Griffins-had my first Guiness. I'm not that much of a fan. Bought 1st Italian ciggies-Winston Blue.

Pearls and swine bereft of me
Long and weary my road has been
I was lost in the cities
Alone in the hills
No sorrow or pity for leaving I feel

I am not your rolling wheels
I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride
I am the sky

Friends and liars don't wait for me 'cause I'll get on all by myself
I put millions of miles under my heels and still too close to you I feel
Yeah

I am not your rolling wheels
I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride
I am the sky

I am not your blowing wind
I am the lightning
I am not your autumn moon
I am the night
The night

I am not your rolling wheels
I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride
I am the sky

Well I am not your blowing wind
I am the lightning
I am not your autumn moon
I am the night

I should be studying but just cant. Feeling sad.Didn't want to talk to anyone.But suddenly someone said to me "Blue jean baby...". And I was sent into a place I hadn't been to in ages. The times when music was what connected events and people. Still today I hear these songs and I can still see the faces, smell the green but above all I can still feel the love. Because that is what it was. Love. Perhaps for music, perhaps for each other, perhaps just for the night. But it was still love. I cant help smile as I hear the familiar notes playing into the night as I write this. And I cant help feeling thankful. Thankful for rescuing me tonight. Thank you for reminding me of things that I had forgotten. Thank you for being you. This one's for you SG. From being ridiculously bored at birthdays to listening to the same songs in the middle of the night as we sit in our rooms, thousands of miles away yet right friggin there. Thank you.

I Am
counting days.

I Want
to find what I'm looking for

I Have
a pain in my neck

I Wish
I had an Angel.

I Hate
some things

I Fear
people.

I Hear
nothing right now.

I Search
for soul.

I Wonder
why people are strange.

I Regret
not being assertive before.

I Love
my life.

I Ache
for good food.

I Always
love with my all.

I Usually
talk a lot.

I Am Not
a non entity.

I Dance
to anything.

I Sing
always.

I Never
go to the CL anymore!

I Rarely
go the DL.

I Cry
when I need to.

I Am Not Always
nice.

I Lose
no weight!Sigh!

I'm Confused
most of the time.

I Need
to study harder.

I Should
not be lazy.

I Dream
every night and remember them

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
I have a shape.

2. How much cash do you have in your wallet right now?
580

3. What’s a word that rhymes with DOOR?
four

4. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
Ma

5. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone?
Keeps changing.

6. What are you wearing right now?
black patiala and blue kurta

7. Do you label yourself?
huh?

8. Name the brand of the shoes you currently own?
Converse and other random stuff.

9. Bright or Dark Room?
Dark

10. What will your next purchase be?
Cigarettes.

11. What does your watch look like?
Black with white dial

12. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Reading Wintersmith.

13. What did your last text message you received on your cell say?
Something about calling mirna and reaching her place at 2.

14. What’s a word that you say a lot?
Fuck and whatever.

15. Who told you he/she loved you last? (Please exclude spouse, family, and children).
Bald Man

16. Last furry thing you touched?
LETO!

17. Favorite age you have been so far?
20,21,22...

18. What was the last thing you said to someone?
bye?

19. The last song you listened to?
Bittersweet symphony

20. Where did you live in 1987?
BC

21. Are you jealous of anyone?
not really.

22. Is anyone jealous of you?
Im sure!ITALY!

23. Name three things that you have on you at all times?
Phone, clothes and my rings.

24. What’s your favorite town/city?
KOLKATA!and bombay...oh wait...will answer this after ITaly!!

25. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it?
Last december to my aunt.

26. Can you change the oil on a car?
nope

27. Your first love/big crush: what is the last thing you heard about him/her?
That he was still dating a twat!

28. Does anything hurt on your body right now?
Neck

29. What is your current desktop picture?
The end scene of Video.Silhouettes of Shambhu and Dang hanging. Love that red in it.

30. Have you been burnt by love?
err....ya i ges.