Once upon time in a land not so far away, lived a princess in her palace surrounded by a moat. Every time she cried it would rain and the water in the moat would rise. The draw bridge would go under water but her loyal subjects would brave it and visit it. She was truly loved. The winters saw the palace lit brightly and the voices of the merry folk, singing and laughing into the wee hours of the night. And she was happy. It was a ritual of sorts. She did not know any different. The furthest she was ever used to was the vibrant kingdom of scholars, musicians, gamblers and mary jane. And that was her world. The Queen Mother had pretty much relinquished power to her and being young, naive and sometimes a brat, she would abuse the power more often than not. Balls and dances were a routine in her life and she knew no better. She was in no hurry to grow up and dreaded the day she would be expected to be 'responsible'. Not for her people but for herself. Her closest friends, especially her Knight in waiting, too thought that this cushioned life would be forever. But one by one, her friends left...to go to other kingdoms to rule over,in the eternal quest for knowledge and perhaps even to find themselves. Her loyal Knight left too...to a land from where he would not return. Suddenly her perfect world was thrown into turmoil. Somehow she knew...it was time. Perhaps her subjects had willed it, perhaps fate had destined it. Into exile she must go. Far away from the one place that she knew to be her own. This was her quest. So she packed her bags...and realised that her entire life almost fit into 3 bags. What did she really have to show for her existence for all those years? Scared, sad and unsure she stepped out of the palace and got into the carriage which would take her to her new 'home'. She turned to take one last look at to the life she was leaving behind. The life of comfort, pampering and security. But what she saw made her smile. Her friends, the Queen, her subjects and the invisible Knight looking at her, encouragingly, wishing her well for her new adventure. Their confidence comforted her. Perhaps she was ready. And she realised that all the things she was leaving behind would remain while she found new things to embrace. She would not be alone. They were there as were others waiting for her. She would find joy, security, independence, perhaps even love. She boarded the carriage and was whisked away, not knowing when she would return. But for the first time she was not bothered by it.

As she sat in her new home, in the dead of the night, she remembered all those who make her life complete and worthwhile. Perhaps the balls don't happen anymore, perhaps she isn't naive anymore, perhaps she now knows what it is to depend on herself and be free. Or perhaps it's just the love that keeps her pushing forward...

Miss you....A,M,N,J,P,C,R,P,A,S,R and M. And thank you. For making me who I am today. I'm no longer a stranger to myself.

Rage. Geyser doesnt work. Metro not on time. Couldn't read what I wanted to. Misunderstanding. Boss yelling. Literally jumped over someone and into the metro. Daydreaming on the metro and nearly forgot to get off at my stop. Pushed around and poked and socked in the eye in the bus. Depleted account. Daniel Powter saying "So you had bad day..." made me smile. Illustrator behaved. Lunch with colleagues. Long weekend. Chance meeting with a friend. New haircut. Maggi made by my best friend. Comforting conversation with someone who understands be so well. Catching up with old friends. A familiar goodnight call.....yup. My last 24 hours have been eventful.

Sometimes I just wonder....what took me so long?

There is something so beautiful about people laughing. Whether it is intoxicant induced or otherwise, when people laugh, and I mean really laugh, something good does happen to the world. In that moment everything else is forgotten...the worries, the sadness,everything that possible makes up the rest of the day. Today I laughed like a maniac surrounded by beautiful people who were laughing from their souls and it felt so bloody good. I also experienced love. The kind of love that inspires and makes you feel like there is something so wonderful about the world and that is what it should be all the time. Somewhere I felt like I was invading something sacred and wished there was a way I could slip away and let that aura just continue....but I'm so glad that I could feel the overwhelming effect. So here's to the two individuals who have so much love for each other and so much love to share.Am blessed to be a part of the domino effect. Somehow that just increases my ability to love, every single day.=)

She smiled to herself as she slowly disconnected the modem. A long night ahead. Silence surrounded her which seemed so comforting. Suddenly the glare of the computer was gone and she was plunged into darkness. The familiar sense of the dark overwhelmed and she continued to smile. She closed her eyes and imagined the stark difference in what life had thrown her way. Black and white. A bright light emanated from her soul and for once she didn't crave for the darkness...

The phone beeped into the night and she just gazed at the blinking light but did not move to either answer or cancel the call. It would stop eventually. The name flashing on it made her smile some more. She probably should answer it but for once she'd give it a miss even though perhaps this was the call she was waiting for, for so long. The light stopped blinking... it beeped once more indicating a text message. She put out her hand and read it. The service providers obviously did not believe in the concept of sleep at night. Just like her. It beeped again. This time she was not disappointed. She smiled and went to hit delete. Something stopped her. She thought long and hard about what to reply with. In the end...she would succumb. Best to hold out while she still could. She put the phone down and looked to her left and smiled. She bent down and kissed his forehead. She loved him... of that there was no doubt. She'd given up so much for him and have never regretted any of it. He stirred in his sleep and sighed. She'd always thought he looked almost angelic when he was asleep. She could have sat there all night watching him sleep. Infact she had done so on so many occasions. Just to hear him breathe. Watching as with every breath and every twitch he was dreaming about the perfect world. She dreamt too. But she'd always believed she has her perfect world. There was nothing more she could ask for. She had it all. She kissed his forehead again and that familiar flipflop in her stomach happened all over again. There was such a strange feeling in her heart. She could feel how much she loved him and how much he loved her and it was truly enough. She reached out and picked up her shawl and draped it over her shoulders and got out of bed. It was 3am.She walked to the verandah. The december air slapped her face but she didn't feel the cold at all. She stared out into the darkness and it struck her how dark it truly was. Ordinarily the moonlight, even with the moon behind the clouds, was enough for the tall buildings to cast a shadow. But tonight it was pitch black and deathly silent. She turned and walked in. She stood at the foot of the bed and watched him breathe, watched him dream about his perfect world. She went to the front door and opened it and stepped out. She stood there for a moment, and looked back inside. She smiled. This was her perfect world, where everything was exactly how she wanted it to be. She shut the door behind her and the darkness of the night engulfed her...

New File

So I'm sitting in my room...in my house...sorry...my NEW house. And it's so surreal. Most people when they take the plunge I did, look forward to it with such enthusiasm and excitement yet I chose to look at it with apprehension and trepidation. I kept thinking about all the things I was leaving behind and just refused to look at the things that I would gain. I firmly believed that only my past really meant something and this city was taking it all away. Yet another reason to hate this city, I thought. But yesterday, as I made my way to work crossing India Gate, I suddenly felt goosebumps and realised how beautiful this city looks on a crisp wintry morning. It was cloudy and cold and yet I felt so warm inside. I realised that I was in love...
Immediately felt guilty that I had let down my home...that I had taken up a new lover and cheated on the one who had been by my side for all my life. Guilty pleasure. If one can be in love with two people why not with two places? Yes maybe I have not yet made my peace with the loud, aggro, reckless, insensitive people around me, and I want to scream at the amount of aimless wandering I must do to make my way HOME yet there is something so beautiful about this city. If Kolkata has heritage and culture and intellectuals, Delhi has history, a sense of pride and overwhelming smell of power. And I inhale hungrily. Yes it does help to come home to a the same smiling face I have adored for the last zillion years. But then I'm beginning to appreciate the newer smiling faces, knowing that once again I will be able to say the same about them after the next zillion years. Had I moved to a place where I knew noone and nothing, I'd probably want to curl up and die and I was convinced I'd feel like that here too but I don't. I know I'm taken care of. By ones who've been through the shit with me and the ones who will. I know I will not go hungry, sleepless or unloved. What more could I ask for? So I let go of my prejudices and embrace the whirlwind that is Delhi. I see a long lasting love-hate relationship with a place that will be home for this new chapter of my life. I shall stop being scared.
Kolkata, I love you and always will.... But it is time to fall in love again :) And fall in love I will.
Thank you for all the fish... :)

For Snugglypoppykins

So basically while I sit drumming in the jungle, I get scolded for not updating my blog. So basically you're a Devil Woman.So basically I will try to make someone happy. So basically this one's for you. And I need to stop saying 'so basically'. But it would help if I knew what to write about. A little nudge in the right direction. Anyone??
So basically I realise that what ever I churn out will not make me happy coz I've been ODing on Allie and after that realised I can't write. Ohk so won't be THAT harsh on myself....but you get what I mean right?? You!! I'm talking to you!!! Yes you!!! After all this is for you.
So.........the other day my office got a call for a consignment of drums. Oh wait. You know that story. :( Okay.... tap tap tap....drum fingertips....(note how I used the word drum???!!) Ohk so I was delirious after taking painkillers yesterday....No.Hang on. You know that too....(end of my tether I'm reaching I tell you.) Ummmm....so today my office loo has no water....dammit...I told you that din't I??? I are sorrow.
So okay...let's make up stuff to entertain you.....I flew on my unicorn to work today. Yes he can fly and no he still does not have a name and yes he's a he. He's mine. I decide. You can't make me do anything...especially since I CAN feel my forehead. (yessssssss managed to fit in one more victim). Yeah so basically  (oh no!! it's a disease I tell you...no...wait...ombol.) Yeah so where was I??? Oh trying to entertain you....(my boss just totally loves me....I'm on FB, Gtlk and Blogging all at the same time!!! Yeah SALARYYYYYY!!) Did you know some said that Minu was panting and when asked why Minu said "Cause I just came." I couldn't stop laughing. Yes I know I'm being a 12 year old. But if you knew who said it you'd understand the humour. Pssssssst...call me and I'll tell you.( and for some reason 'Fear of the Dark' has been playing on my Ipod and I dint notice or change it cause I was so busy writing this. Seeeeeeeeeeeee how much your reprimand meant to me???) Okay...now I'm seriously running out of things to say..... so maybe this entertains you for a bit while I go look for my brain which seemed to have rolled off somewhere. (Did you know Brian is an anagram of Brain??? of course you did...long live BSB!!!) :p okay so now I go to eat lunch (hunger could be the reason why this post is so random...but don't you just love random rambling???) *Exit. Chased by hunger.*

Faith

It's been more than a month....and so much has changed. And in the best possible way. I found something to believe in. I found faith again. A lot had happened which shook my faith and my cynicism got the better of me. But in the last one month I found one of those missing pieces in my life. I think I was always meant to embrace the life I was leading but it had to be at the right moment. Since then, there's been no looking back. I fret a lot less and let go of so many things that used to hold me back. I'm changing. Everyday. Every single second. The beauty lies in the fact that it was all there and I'm slowly beginning to realise that. And it makes me happy. I've stopped being completely cynical but know that there still is some purging left to be done. But I'm not worried. I'm confident it will happen.
It amazes me how some people just randomly enter your life and without even meaning to make YOUR own life a lot more meaningful. And then there are those who have always been there but we didn't really think that we could ever be more than acquaintances. How our preconceived notions get shot to hell and we are left wondering "How did not see this before?" Now I accept the fact that we make these judgement calls so that someday they get shattered and we are pleasantly reassured that inherently we knew what we were doing when we befriended them.
I go off to Shantiniketan tomorrow. With a rather motley crew. Some whom I love dearly and some who I don't know at all. We will live and breathe together for a few days and somewhere we will make memories which will never get erased. Memories keep me going. Unpleasant ones which act as constant reminders of how we must learn from them. The beautiful ones which make you smile even after the corners of those memories have started to yellow. I'm not a painter, a photographer or film maker....I capture things in my mind's eye and take in every detail. All the memories which I hold so close to my soul...I can still remember the smells, the sounds and sights. Every detail is etched. I know I cannot replicate on any canvas or film or even write to do them justice. But I will look back at them and reaffirm my faith that those things were meant to happen and I'm meant to make more such memories. I was looking for peace of mind and a happy existence and I'm confident I'm on the right path. With a little help for some people who give me nudges now and then.

I'm just glad to find out that I still believe...

9

9 and counting...

Old Guard

After ages, it was just chillin it bits of the old guard. The same songs, same faces, same jokes, same intoxicants, same game. Was awesome to realise that three people in Kolkata thinking the exact same thing at the exact same time. Water water everywhere! Thank you S, P, A, and R for making it such a warm evening.

All I want is you....

I stopped to smile.

=)

If only for a while....

Good for my soul.

Wheels in motion.

The bird on the wire flew.

A distant goal (pun intended).

I'm getting there.

Slowly but surely.

=)

Hesitance.Annoyance.Heat.Broken hindi.Familiar face.Tight hugs.A bottle of beer.Long chat on the terrace.Fifa.Random visit.Kababs.Catchin up on 5 years.Shopping.Red teeth and lips.Jude.More kababs.Resonating laughter.India Gate.Shiny psychedelic lights.Hijus.Walks. Mineral water.More Fifa.Uncertain plans.Final destination. ISBT. Offloading. Reboarding.Being anal.12 hour drive.Avomine free.Nip in the morning air. Fiona Apple.Joshua Radin. Mountains.Cha. Conversation with locals. 20 min walk. Snow. Different colour of green. Different colour of sunlight.Buddhist monks. Peace. Sleep. More walks. Photos. Crazy mutts. Missing Leto. Michael's Cafe. Back to school. Beef thukpa. 3 hours of mad singing. 16 hours powercut. Adda with my heart and soul. Chants. Darkness. Night Sky. Zillion stars. 9 shooting stars. U2, The Album Leaf, Nina Simone. Feeling fortunate. Soul searching. Serenity. Screaming kids. Disgusting loos. 10 bottles of mineral water. Autos. Cheap shopping. Expensive lunch. Soaked in sweat. Upper class venue. Overbearing ushers. Touching film. Volatile room.2 known faces in a roomful of strangers. Smile. Piece of home. AC.Ruins.Best friend.Old antique shop. Shiny happy people. Warmth. Being 12/13. Jackpot. Even more Fifa. Cream. Stoned. Laptop in freezer. Sleep. Cold. CP. Lunch as an adult not as a child. Autowalla from Malda. Lecture. Philosophy.Homeless. Tension. Hysteria. Thousand phonecalls. Asylum. Hand held out. New friend. Mistaken ages. Pharyngitis.Blowing nose. 3 and half books in 2 days. All American breakfast. Stuffed to the gills. The face that makes me smile always. Acquaintances made-friendships forged. Business done. Wanderings among multitude of faces and colours. Fruit beer. Bees. Funny video material. Hands full. Tickles and laughter. Beautiful home. Yet more Fifa. Torn packages. Sneezes. Revenge. Endless hours of talking with someone just met but with a sense of familiarity. Promises of future visits. Incessant jabbering and antics. Nearly mowing down a man. Saying see ya later as opposed to bye.Wake up Sid.Chinese.Whisky.Pork underbelly. Prawns.Last night.Final adda session.Packing.Delayed train.

Looking out of the window, watching the train pull out of the station. Something stirred inside me. It's a familiar feeling but would have never thought it would come at the end of this trip. I didn't hate it. I think I'll kinda miss it too.

Dilli.....


Thanks to those who made this trip so very special. You know who you are. And if you don't, then you suck.

Read a new blog today. And read a certain post. And I realised....I can't write. I don't mean I can't write because I'm not equipped enough but just that somewhere along this twisted road I forgot to write from where it matters. Some days are good when I see a glimmer of who I really am but mostly I'm sure my writing isn't even really me.

These words that stare blankly back at me...do they mean anything? Is this real? Or will I again look back and say this was not me? I want to be able to look past the words I pen down. I want to see what I have penned down. I want to see where they came from. I don't want to be pretentious. I don't want to think I'm writing something worthwhile when it is actually trash. I need to hit the delete button a lot more in my life. Somewhere in the last few months I lost myself in the exact thing that I despise....romanticising the trivial, frivolous things in my life. I became that person I want to slap so hard the minute they sigh. I became a whiner.


         Whine.

                       Whine.

                                         Whine.



But now I stop myself just in time. I don't have the time to whine. I don't feel the need to. I don't have reason to. It's all about perspective at the end of the day isn't it? My perspective shifted in the last few days. It's been a whirlwind. It's been a whirlwind romance with myself. And I'm glowing. I don't feel the need to be loud, vociferous and verbose. I'd rather just not say anything. Been told I talk less these days. I'm glad. I'm proud. One less complication. My head whirs at the speed of light. All the time. Maybe that's why I still remember my dreams. Happiness. I know what you are now. It isn't about a pasted smile or hearty laugh all the time. It's about accepting everything. The joys and the sorrows. It's about peace. Yes, the inside of my head is a cesspool, filled with garbage that should be flushed. Yet, I smile. I smile knowing that the inside of my head is a cesspool, filled with garbage that should be flushed. Cause there must be an outlet somewhere right? I'll float there eventually and that's the thrill. That's the peace.

I leave behind all that is familiar. I have no time to breathe between 20 odd years of something and 20-30 odd years of something else. I will be strapped behind a desk, 10-6, 5 days a week. But can't you just see me beaming? I'm not really there. I'm even smiling now as I write this. A piece of writing which I'm sure is like the rubbish in my head. But it's my rubbish and I love it.




Thank you.
Thank you for making me realise.
Thank you for making me question myself.
Thank you for making me rummage through the trash.
Thank you...




I have tried to flush way too many times. Think I'll just take the dump and flush just that one last time.....

Consummatum Est

People have been doing it for the last few days and I promised myself that I wouldn't join the bandwagon because that would indicate accepting that it's over. I refuse to accept that it's over.I refuse! I refuse! I refuse...?
I guess I cant run away from the fact that it is time. Consummatum Est. Today is our farewell. Still got a couple of hours to go till I step into the AV Room where I have bid farewell to so many others. How I wish I was again back to being the one doing the send-off instead of being sent off. I promised myself I would not cry...am not holding my breath. When I left school I felt a part of my heart shudder and then lay at peace but this time, my heart refuses to stop shaking, it will not go down easily. My head says this is not the end but the beginning of something new and that something must end for something to start but my heart...my stupid foolish heart... A friend very recently told me that it's a shame I did not fall in love during my JU years. That's simply not true. I had one of the most torrid love affairs with JUDE. I don't think I have ever felt this pained on saying goodbye. JUDE had the power to turn the most  naive idiot into someone more well prepared for the world. I have been there through so many changes but yet the essence of JUDE remains the same. One can still come here and find a sea of people indulging in so many things, living in harmony and still calling it home. I believe it was Home to many 30 years ago and it will continue to be so 30 years from now. The familiar faces will become the ghosts that haunt the corridor. But one hopes they will not be forgotten. From chasing professors down the stairs to being chased by professors down the stairs, I did it all in my undergrad. Once the masters started I knew we had arrived. There was a sense of "This is my town...tread carefully". The enemies from elsewhere had arrived. JUDE inculcates that air. But soon the enemies were welcomed in and disappeared in the mesh that was PG. We thought that they wouldn't understand, they wouldn't feel it and somewhere today I know I was right. I guess 2 years isn't enough to make you realise what you are a part of. It is a pity. But then there are those who would put stalwarts to shame and it was indeed an honour sharing the class with them.The enemies now became part of the collective force who stood up for JUDE against all the other plebs! :p (okay I might just get murdered for that one. Peace peace!) PiGII was when it started dawning on me that my love affair came with an expiry date. And today I think I finally finished my cans of pineapples. I can't promise a shiny happy face today. There will be those who will think that I'm off my rockers if I cried. I do beg your pardon. It isn't everyday that one leaves home. I must thank all those who have made my years at JUDE the best years of my life. Spanning the 8 batches that I have had the good fortune of knowing well, the amazing professors who taught more than just what is in the syllabus and, I borrow a line from a friend,  this journey would not have been possible without the many kind and (not so kind) spirits we met along the way...

Crossing yet another crossroad

Finally. I did it. I finally appeared for my first job interview. All the months of apprehension and fear. And to think that it was over in 10 mins. And I didn't fuck up. All the nightmares were just nightmares. Though I did have a glimpse of P saying " You know naaaaaathing!" But I managed to kick that image aside asap. I think I might have stared at my interviewer a little too hard but that's the extent of my nervousness. I guess I'm not all that nervy. I should learn to give myself a little more credit than that. But yeah! It's over. I feel older, somewhat wiser and definitely more confident. I am pretty proud of me right now.=D I think I'll sleep well tonight.

Wheeeeeeeeeee!!! 1st rain of the year!!!!! Yeahhhhhhh! Sheets and sheets of rain! LG again looking like it would be under water. But so beautiful the weather is. I stepped out into the balcony as soon as it started to rain. Familiar happy smell of wet cement. Oh how I love that smell. This change in weather makes me so happy. Let's hope it stays this way keeping me happy and smiling. I had forgotten how much I loved the rain. Got soaked to the bone and it felt so fucking GOOD! What a wonderful evening.
Ooooooo and KKR won as well. Ah I be very happy!

I don't know what it is. I can't put my finger on it. But you definitely do something to me. I found that I could laugh thanks to someone else. But you seem to know how to make me love laughing. I have started loving myself again. I love the way you say my name. Don't think anyone has said my name like that. There is so much emotion in your voice when you get serious. I love the way you look at me when you smile. I love the way your eyes twinkle up when you smile. The corners of your lips curve. Did you know that? When you are in a particularly mischievous mood, your eyes sparkle. You challenge me. Everyday. But it is so easy with you. So easy to talk to you. You're one of the few people with whom I don't try because I don't want to, don't have to. Out of the abyss, you pulled me. Bit by bit. I'm not out yet but I'm getting there. Everyday. I look forward to every moment I spend with you. You seem to be the cold compress for an aching soul. Our lives crossed each other's for a reason. Perhaps you were meant to rescue me. And me? I don't know yet what I'm supposed to do for you. But I'm willing to find out. You reinstated my belief in so many things. I love how you don't put be on a pedestal. You don't go out of your way to make me feel special. Weird thing is that I don't care. That in itself makes me feel special. And I'm petrified. Not of the things that used to scare me before. New things. That's the beauty. of it. I have stepped out of the shade and am willing to take a chance again. Perhaps that's being stupid. But you encourage my stupidity. I'm not floating anywhere but firmly grounded. My roots ensure that there is no way that I will ever be blown away. And I am grateful for them. But you. But you just...I don't think I have ever been so at sea. For the first time I'm not mind fucked. I love that you don't play games with me. Games that can spiral out of control. My rationale is intact. Did you know the other day I smelt something and suddenly I wasn't where I was supposed to be. My instinct was to look around for you. Of course you weren't there. But I couldn't help but smile to myself. You are so unfamiliar and yet so familiar. It's a comfort and an intrigue. No I don't think I'm in love with you. Love is too strong and final. I don't know what it is I feel. Loving you is something that may happen but may not. But yes, I do love you. Deeply, blindly, fiercely. But there is a difference. Do you know that? We are not so different you and I. Perhaps that's the problem or the solution. I don't know...yet. But this I do know-I lowered my guard again. I let you in. Risky business that.People are puzzles to be figured out. You are a Rubic's Cube. I managed to get just one side sorted. And I'm not going to rush myself to complete the entire thing just yet. The full picture will reveal itself to me someday. I can wait. I stand at the end of the road looking at you. Guilty of wanting you to look up. Glad you didn't lest you didn't like what you saw. If you're meant to, you will look up at me and grin. Or pass me by. That is fine too. Atleast you will have passed me by. You are one person who I wouldn't mind letting go off. I held on too long and too hard to so many things. We all make mistakes and God knows, I have made mine. So many times. But you, I will just wish you good luck, if you should choose to walk on without me. Right now I don't know, consciously what I want from you. Perhaps that's why it is so much easier. Perhaps, no, for sure you don't know about the effect you have on me. I myself can't understand what it is. Maybe one day when I understand, so will you. Or perhaps you will make me understand. Or perhaps we shall never know. And no, I'm not in love with you...yet.

Been having the most warped weekend ever. It's a mixture of the good and the bad. It's the kind that makes you question how the good can make you feel bad. It's insane. Things are always so complicated. Simplicity and me are just not meant to be together.
   Yes. I know that a part of me feels the happiest I have been in months but a part of me is writhing in pain. I suppose it's that time of the year. Time to usher in the new and let go of  the old. A time for change. But sometimes changes aren't always good. Sure they happen for a reason and maybe in the long run it makes sense but at that moment...nothing does. Perhaps I should embrace that change and not question it or above all be suspicious of it. I am blessed with some constants and maybe that's what helps me adjust to the change.
   In the last few months so many things have changed. People, places, seasons, situations, equations...almost nothing seems familiar. And just when I feel that I'm about to sink, a familiar smell floats in through with the north wind. The softness of my pillow makes me happy.The way Leto looks at me makes me realise somethings stand the test of time. The love in my mother's voice when she calls me, even when she scolds me doesn't change and I am grateful. So grateful.
    The last few months have pushed me to the edge just thinking of the unfamiliar and the uncertain. There is a beauty in it. The thrill, the challenge, the rediscovery. But also the fear, the insecurity. Haven't slept in 48 hours and sleep still eludes me. A part of me thinks I'll miss out on something. A part of me wants to sleep and never wake up. I don't mean something as morbid as death but just the apprehension of waking up to a world I can't comprehend. Yet every morning I wake up and do the same old thing I did yesterday and the day before. Can one really be the same and changed at the same time? I've started believing that. I seem to be going round and round in circles with this one. It makes sense and doesn't too.
    Anyhoo tomorrow is another day. I will be who I am or who I'm supposed to be. Supposed to be not in the sense as the way people want me to be (which would probably be simplest) but the way I'm supposed to snugly find my place in the vastness of life. Life that is not just my own but the one which wouldn't be with the others.
    Someone once said that the reason that we stay up all night and surf the net is to establish the fact that we are alive and we exist. If we just sat in one corner and just read or thought, there are no witnesses to the fact we exist. I had never really thought of it that way and the thought frightens me a little. Perhaps there is truth in it. Perhaps that's why I am up blogging at 2am. Just to establish my existence. Damn you Beckett!
    On that rather pensive note, I depart. Where am I going to? What will I do there? Will I even get there? If I do get there will anyone know I'm there? Questions make the world go round not love. Love's just a part of it. They both float around in the air. I have been capturing the questions for a while. Perhaps it's time to capture love? But look, I just captured another question. So then if questions exist, so should love. Just as answers and betrayals exist. I found two. Still searching for the other two. Time to hit enter.

Workshop with China Mieville

        The black waters of the lake slowly began to bubble,almost like the concoction brewing in the Coven's cauldron. Still peering from behind the bushes, they noticed that the bubbling had stopped and there was a sudden calm on the waters. Nothing moved. Even the wind was still. It was as if time had stopped. Goddy took a step forward and at that precise moment there was activity in the lake again. From the middle of the lake it rose. It was dark and thus difficult to see. The Coven exchanged glances. And then, as if to answer their unasked question of "what the hell is that???", there was light.
        The creature's head was the source of light. Rather the source of light came from within the creature's skull for that was all there was. A sharp knife seemed to be protruding from the top of the skull. The pale yellow light shone through the hollow eye sockets and open jaws. It did not have much of a neck but there was something that connected that head to the rather feminine body,straitjacketed in a corset, that followed the ascent of the head. It's arms were flapping in the absence of the wind indicating no solid mass with. Finally the body floated up ending in what looked like a fish tail.
        Goddy thought "Mermaid?". Drim Roll thought "Fishy?". OE said "RUN!!!!!!"

Laziness

This is just to say that I'm a douchebag for being lazy and not finishing uploading the rest of my Italy stories. But there is just sooooo much =( Now I'm bored. Now I'm not. Sigh!

To you...

Close your eyes

Have no fear
The monster's gone
He's on the run and your daddy's here
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy

Before you go to sleep
Say a little prayer
Every day in every way
It's getting better and better

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy

Out on the ocean sailing away
I can hardly wait
To see you come of age
But I guess we'll both just have to be patient
'Cause it's a long way to go
A hard row to hoe
Yes it's a long way to go
But in the meantime

Before you cross the street
Take my hand
Life is what happens to you
While you're busy making other plans

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy

Before you go to sleep
Say a little prayer
Every day in every way
It's getting better and better

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy

Don't know why this song is bringing tears to my eyes today...warm fuzzy feeling and hot salty tears...I'm crazy.

Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick and think of you

Caught up in circles
Confusion is nothing new
Flashback, warm nights
Almost left behind
Suitcase of memories
Time after

Sometimes you picture me
I'm walking too far ahead
You're calling to me, I can't hear
What you've said
Then you say, "go slow"
I fall behind
The second hand unwinds

Chorus:
If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
Time after time
If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I will be waiting (I'll be waiting)
Time after time

After my picture fades and darkness has
Turned to gray
Watching through windows
you're wondering if I'm OK
Secrets stolen from deep inside
The drum beats out of time

If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
Time after time

You say "go slow"
I fall behind
The second hand unwinds

Chorus:
If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
Time after time
If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I will be waiting (I'll be waiting)
Time after time (Time after time)

The polka dotted sky, the sweep of the brush

The light dances in her eye, The softest sigh, the quiet hush
A whispered goodbye.

It's the witching hour, the cauldron boils
The light flickers in her eye,
The sweet turns to sour, the joys to toils
A silent goodbye.

There is a calm around, the serenity abound
The light dies in her eye,
The tear stained ground, the empty sound
At last she can die.

    Been walking a lot these days...down the unfamiliar yet familiar road of memory. Some people don't get it. The question it and ask for explanations. I can't offer any. I don't want to offer any. I'm being judged. By the ones I don't expect to be judged by. How can it be wrong when it feels so right?

     Years rolled by and so did the tears and the laughter. We just to cry and laugh together and then we stopped.   Is it strange that now perhaps I want to laugh and cry with them? I love this warm fuzzy feeling inside which I thought I had lost. It's like finding a bit of me that was lost. I love going down that road. It isn't the same road or the same hand I held then but it isn't unfamiliar either. It's the ghost of christmas past in the present leading me into the future and I want to be lead. I want to be lead by them. I know that I'm in safe hands again. I hold onto them, promising to never let them go again. I have found me again. Suddenly at a loss of words. How can one put into words this feeling in the pit of my stomach which is slowly spiraling to my heart? I think somewhere I gave in. Insane bursts of joy and love. I'm aware of life. 

      You have done so much in such short time. You saved me from potential disaster. You breathed life into me again. You redefined so many things in my life. Am I stupid and presumptuous by wanting to jump in? Hang on... I already did. But the beauty is that I'm no longer sinking. Thank you is not enough. You will not understand what I am thanking you for but nevertheless I thank you. I let go of my safety net. I don't need one anymore. 

     Thank you P, R, U. Sorry for coming in late. But I'm so glad I came...

  

Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans....

Have been tripping on this song for days. I listen to it atleast 20 times a day. Such beautiful lyrics. I can happily die if someone wrote such a song for me. He doesn't even deserve it. Sean"Douchebag"Lennon-damn you!!!

I love you...always...don't forget. Forgive my mistakes. Because I still love you.Always. Don't forget

Un-fucking-believable!!! Today has been one of those days where I discovered things about myself. All my life I used to marvel at those who studied the martial arts and basically kicked butt. Certain techniques and moves always fascinated me. Breaking a block of wood was one such thing. I've had daydreams in which I was reigning queen who basically karate chopped and broke those things in a blink. Never really kidded myself into thinking I could...but always wanted to. And today that dream came true. The moment my heel came crashing down on the block and went through, it was such a shock. I believed that I wouldn't be able to do it but really really REALLY wanted to be able to do it. All the times I thought about it I couldn't. The one time I didn't obsess about it, my heel went through the board like butter. It is such an awesome high!!! Fantastic. I feel so proud of myself. I never thought I was that strong. But I guess there is still a lot I don't know about my own body. I'm simply thrilled at my achievement. Thank you Project OBO and thank you Sutapadi. Without you I would have never known this side of me.

I love this picture. I love the way this photo is so sexual and sensual. The way her legs are crossed and the way the light falls on the bed. And you can tell that she isn't just a pretty face. So beautiful.

Just watch her face...

I want to be the man in the picture.

I want to walk down this road. Sudden line of trees like the royal guard making way for a queen. =)

Lord!!! It's been so long. (I seem to have said this before and many times!) And yes a new year starts again. I'm chilled to my bone and loving it despite the frequents bouts of coughing. I love the sun on my back while the tips of my fingers freeze! I love the way the trees look in winter. Summer-I HATE YOU!!! This year will be one of broken hearts and wistful glances. I can tell. Already feeling the wave of nostalgia washing over me. Damn! 5 years...gone by so quickly. How? Where? When? How did I not see this coming? As usual I fell in love again. Always at this time I do knowing full well there just isn't time to love them. Each year I promise it will be different but it's the same vicious cycle. So I take this time to say..."Hello! I fell in love with you. But alas, I do not have the power to stop time and keep loving you. We will move on. I will move on. But I will not forget you. I will miss you. But don't know if I'll still love you. Forgive me for not finding you earlier. Forgive me for not seeing how much you meant to me. Do not know if we will be together again. But it was an honour."
I can almost hear the sound of her wings. She comes quietly but surely. I can see the darkness in the distance. I don't want to go. It's not time. Or perhaps it is...
It's cold.So cold. But the memory keeps me warm. I hope, no, I KNOW they will keep me warm when I'm at my coldest best. That is inevitable.