urrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhh

i am feelin so blah!!!!!!shit man........i was so energetic durin the hols and now back to the daily grind hence major lethargy!!!prob the most exciting thing happening is the sword in the dept.hmmmm that seems to have brought life into many people.just as a friend said boys will never grow up.....from 5 to 55 gadgets excite them.And that is so true!!!i saw the look of utter glee on the face of a prof while he was slaying imaginary dragons and oddly enough it was the same expression of glee on the face of my friend who wanted to be a swashbuckling hero with it!!!!Jesus!!!It seems like so much fun isnt it...........to be able to retain that child in u?at 20 odd we like to think of ourselves as adults but we are essentially still kids....but at say 40 odd i'd love to be able to WANT to do things i did now.i dont want to ever grow up.....i like feelin like a kid.....so much security.But this illusion of being a child always ,will disappear oneday. and then wht???i'll go back to feelin blah.sigh!cest la vie!

I love my city….I do But sometimes things happen which disgust me. The people I’m so proud of, who are the bearers of our rich tradition and heritage make me loathe them. Very recently a friend of mine, a north eastern friend, went marketing at Jadavpur. And there she faced probably the most harrowing experience ever. On deciding to walk away from a vendor where the cost of fruits was higher than she expected, she was verbally abused by the vendor. Still trying to remain calm she choose not to argue yet was humiliated further. She was then surrounded by people who were hurling abuses at her because the vendor claimed she was mad and had thrown fruits at him. Helpless as she was she couldn’t even walk away as she was at the centre of a mob. And who would she have turned to for help???
The vendor understandable must have been illiterate but how can one excuse the behaviour of the passersby??? Aren’t we supposed to be educated and civilized?? Haven’t we had endless discussions on equality and discrimination????? Where did all that knowledge go when this helpless girl stood crying? No one, I repeat, NOONE came to her aid. People stood by and watched…..
It makes me sick. And if you think the law is going to stand up for what is right……for what is humane….. that’s a laugh. If the law cannot rather chooses not to make things right, where do we turn in times of need? Who do we look to? Maybe I’m being naïve and not understanding why these things happen but it’s so wrong………it could happen to any of us elsewhere in the world. So shouldn’t we prevent it when we can???

its been a while since i blogged......but then whats new!!!
honestly so much has happened in life......more friends leaving town.....friends gettin jobs....friends getting together.....friends splittin up...friends having operations.........etc etc.....phew hectic.......not to mention that i too have been very busy..........busy trying not to fall ill again!!!!!!!!the last one month has been insane..........i've been keepin terrible health.......not yet back to my usual vibrant self..........i mean im goin around sayin no to partying!!!!!!!and worst part is that i havnt gotten my appetite back!!!!!!!!!thats positively horrible!!!!!!!!but things taste like cardboard in my mouth!!horrible......and being ill i think i must have listened to over 1000 songs in a week!!and beeen missin college.....its great to be back........esp for my renaissance class.....fuck man im doin class because my prof is too hot............and my prof's a woman!!!!!!!!so u can imagin!!!! i think i shud be a lesbian now!!ar toh kichu hoche na being hetero tai homo hoye dekha jak!!!dhat kichui bhalo lagche na and im gonna start cribbin soon so ill sign off now!!

i miss my friends

It has been said that history repeats itself.And indeed in every aspect of life it is true.After school I had to say my goodbyes and let go.And yet again it's turned a full circle.I had to say good bye to my friends in college.It's insane how much im missing them.It's crazy.I know they have to get on with their lives and make something of themselves and i cant hang on to them forever but it's so hard to say goodbye.Especially when you're so used to seeing them everyday.I still expect to see a woman with flowing black locks to smile her way through a throng of people;a tall balding dude sitting and playing the guitar on the steps;or a dude sporting a red cap playing tt.But life isnt such.Imiss them like crazy and even though I do meet them its not the same.How can i expect it to be?How could I have thought that it could have gone on for ever?Everything in this infernal life is transient....even friendship.I'll live with the memories we made and pray that we make more memories..........I love you guys and miss u alot....you know who you are.....

raindrops keep falling on my head

well not really....at the moment lake gardens is under water.I'm on an island.When i was in school,I used to wait for these days.....NO SCHOOL!!!YEAHHH!! But today since there seems to be no way to reach dry land,I can't get to college.I'm hating it.ufffff!!!Wish I had a plane!
I feel so cranky and lost.I wanna be in college...how beautiful college must be lookin now and all I can see now are rows and rows of houses and mucky water as far as the eyes can go!!! Kids swimming and jumping around in the water....they seem so happy......it does bring a smile to my face.A solitary paper boat floats by.....some excited child must have watched it sail out of sight and now it's come by my place.(reminds me of this bangla poem I read when I was younger!!!)
Maybe I wont feel so bad staying at home after all......I only wish it would stop raining so that the water goes down.If i dont see college today even once,nothin is gonna get me outta this cranky mood......I do feel sorry for my mom who's gonna have to put up with my moodiness today...sigh....

Light streaming through an open window,
Suppressed giggles, rocking to and fro,
Secrets passes from soul to soul
What felt incomplete becomes whole.
A sudden flash of light-a burning splinter
A cigarette lit- and it just felt better.
Giggles louder still,
The summer breeze sends a chill.
People walk on busy streets below,
We look down and wonder why so..................
A sudden silence and then a laugh
As fluctuating as a graph....
Three souls sit with hidden pasts,
Unspeaking yet,how long can the silence last?
It passes from person to person and is understood,
Without words; a feeling of good.
The silence eventually has to be broken,
Broken with laughs instead of words spoken.
Uneasy silence pushed away with looks exchanged,
Changes the mood to be deranged.
Is it the alcohol, is it the smoke?
What is it that these feelings were evoked?
Is it the company ; is it life?
What makes one put aside their strife?
Pensieve moments replaced by things so light
Just the company of friends makes life so bright.
The distortions in life falls into place,
The presence of friends puts a smile on your face.
Yet another cigarette is lit,
And by the window huddled we sit
The night creeps in slower
But for us daybreak has just dawned....

where have all the rainclouds gone

where are the freakin monsoon rains?????? im tired of the slight drizzle which goes on to give hope n then stops to pour!!! I think if i started to cry about it there'd be more water!!!!!!!!!and it becomes unbelievably hot at nite!!!!!!!
so ami sad about the freakin weather!!!! so i cook.........also cause i like to cook...but im ending up cookin highly rich continental stuff which isnt doin any good to my nearly existing waistline!!!
so would everyone kindly join me in praying to the rain gods??????brishti brishti brishti...e ki aporoop srishti!!! mummy i want rain!!!!!!!!!! ooooo college looks so beautiful in the rains..... so greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnn!!!!!!i want, i like , i chai!!!!!!!!!!!!

silent night.....brilliant breeze.....a lit cig......sitting curled up and taking in the beauty at hand. at a distance south city looms, towering over, looking like Mordor yet beautiful against the midnight kolkata skyline.....sudden squels from the neighbors....seems like someone's won yet another football match.........i smile creeps on my lips.......a familiar sense of lethargy sets in.....havent slept properly in the last couple of weeks but i welcome these sleepless nites.........gives me time to think......
miss those days of being completly happy....of feelin like nothin could get me down.....to feel loved and secure...knowing that my existence means the world to someone........that i can fite with someone and the very next moment just melt by his mere look....to feel my heart beat faster at the slightest touch.....just to feel his arms around me to say that nothin will touch you here,that you will be looked after.....i miss being weak in the knees.......i miss the constant feeling of warmth flowing inside me........i miss being in love....
i believe that one doesnt need a significant other to feel complete but then we are animals and have instincts and desires...........dont get me wrong....i dont mean sex at all........i just mean love..
we always feel the need to be loved every step of the way....but life doesnt end if it doesnt happen that way.....besides "loves come as surprise ice"......anyone who has been in love knows what i'm talkin about.....not love that people generally indulge in these days which doesnt las more than a couple of weeks.....but somethin which grows each day and somehow makes one stronger.....sometimes i wonder whether its greater to love than to be loved.....and then i think maybe.....loving someone means so much more.........just to be able to make someone feel special but then the selfish human tendency of wanting to be loved always creeps in.....even when we know its of no use we never give up hoping do we?
somehow old memories keep rushing back to me..........do we ever stop loving?guess we dont..... we stop being in love but continue to love....yet again something i strongly hold dear to my heart......
to my darling...dont think ill ever stop loving you even though i stopped being in love with you...
to whoever is waiting to sweep me off my feet.........ill be right here waiting just to have your arms around me....what i wouldnt do to just sit in silence and let the silence to the talking......after all when we are SILENT,we can still LISTEN.
the cigs gone out,mordor still looks ethereal..and i still sit curled waiting for my prince.....

" wild horses couldnt drag me away.....wild wild horses gonna ride them oneday......"
seriously one of the best songs i've ever heard......have to thank one particular friend for mentioning it to me...i completly identify with it.........
in life i've noticed onething.........when you care about someone,you are automatically taken for granted.not sayin its a bad thing,among really good friends you r supposed to but what do you do when u dont know whether the feeling is mutual or not.I believe in friendship one should stand on equal ground......one tends to feel naked and vulnerable when someone else has the upperhand.besides do you think its fair?hmmmmmmmmm guess in life one has to roll with the punches...........what you expect you seldom get but when unexpectedly you do.........isnt it the best???what would life be without surprises in little packages.........

freedom finally at hand

yes finally i can see it......uffffff exams are nearly over....i say nearly coz it will be over tom...aftr a break of 10 freaking days!!!!!!!!!god only knows how i've spent these days...na parchilam thik kore masti korte na porte!!
im going crazy thinking about what im gonna do after tom....actually what im gonna do aftr the 13th when my mata will be globetrottin!!!wh means im the queen of the world for the next 2 weeks!!!!!!!wheeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!im gonna party by day n at nite im gonna plop in front of the tv with chilled bottles of beer and watch the WORLD CUP!!!!!!!!GO BRAZIL!!!!!!!!REST OF THE WORLD EAT DUST!!!!shit am goin mad....gotta concentrate on exam tom...so then oedipus tells creon.................hmmmmmmmm.......

had a rather mellow day.got up late and went to friends place and lazed there.And after a looooong time did a lot of heart to heart.we hadnt done that in a long time....so it felt good....it was nice to feel laid bare on the table and see the same with the other person.we talked for hours with the food n cigarette breaks....it felt really nice.i miss doin these things with people i love.and talkin today was like taking a walk down memory lane....reliving n relishing those past moments again,knowin that we might never get it back.looking into the future knowing we'll make more memories and will oneday look back n smile wistfully.personally i think a guy/gal friendship is the best but there are just somethings that girls do best....open their hearts completely and lay it out there.being a girl n knowin what another girl is feelin is amazing.I loved today....hope erom din aro anek ashe jibone.....

Weight Of My Words

There are very many things
I would like to say to you
But I've lost my way
And I've lost my words
There are very many places
I would like to go
But I can't find the key
To open my door
The weight of my words
You can't feel it anymore
The weight of my words
You can't feel it anymore
There are very many ways
I would like to break the spell
You've cast upon me
Because all the time
I sacrificed myself
To make you want me
Has made you haunt me
The weight of my words
You can't feel it anymore
The weight of my words
You can't feel it anymore
The weight of my words
You can't feel it anymore
There are very many things
I would like to say to you
But I've lost my way
And I've lost my words
There are very many places
I would like to go
But I can't find the key
To open my door

Arent the lyrics just beautiful?????
This is currently my favourite song.........well has been since the 1st time I heard it courtesy a friend who insisted I listened to to it.Thus my initiation into the world of Kings of Convenience.i love these dudes.Amazing music and lyrics.Beauty in motion.....

uff aar bhalo lagche na.am sick n tired of studying edgar allan poe...thank gawd it will be over tom....then party!!!!!!!!!!! till the next exam......then party!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i want so many things..... i want an air conditioner, i want an ipod, i want a digital camera, i want to go for a holiday, i want my knight in shining armour, i want my best friend all year round, i want shakira's hips, i want unlimited supply of alcohol, i want to go dancing, i want a car, i want to come 1st class 1st, i want my friends to come 1st class 1st too(just like my frnds grandma sed...she's too cute!!!), i want a personal swimming pool, i want a personal gym-with a hot personal trainer(lolz), and of course the usual of a good career, satisfying pay and a great life.....essshhh i sound like a materialistic bitch man!!!!! and i also sound like the woman in the frnaklin templton ad..(I want!I want!)ufffffff
its too hot..........am goin mad........exam kal...too hot to think.....have to cool off.......help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
rite now nothin is making sense hence the very wierd post....am sure tom when i read it ill be goin....WHAT THE F***?????forgive...its just the heat i tell u......

It's amazing how when you feel really lost and down and feel that the whole world has turned its back on you,there is that someone who with just a word makes u feel that nothing ever went wrong.I have one such person in my life.Most of the year I spend fighting with him and saying that he is way too mean to me but when i really need him he is there,even when i dont have to say a word.I met him today after ages and was all smiles but he just saw rite through me.And even when I'm the saddest he makes me smile.Without even meaning to tears just flow and he wipes away every one of them.We sit in silence and that in itself says so much.His silence tells me that when everyone has deserted me,he'll hold my hand and show me the way.I feel homesick even when I'm at home and just staying with him for a couple of hours makes me feel that I've come home.This is what friendship is............maybe this is what love is all about.Not love between lovers but love between 2 souls who complete each other as friends.I'm blessed to have someone like that n my life...without him i dont know what I'd do.He's my child,my guide,my rescuer............the missing piece in mu jigsaw life....

life is beautiful

very nice day.....woke up to ma being nice to me,giving me cha n biskoot....spoke to 2 old friends and relived old times....wrote a great exam....came home to great lunch....met estranged friend...met best friend.....met college friends n had really nice conversations.....weather started to become amazing.....and now listening to nice mellow music....life seems perfect....finally everything is falling into place....all jhamela gone....life is beautiful........

walk the dog????!!!!

so then the other day i had gone for a walk in the para with my friends and after rudely being thrown out of my friend's place(bastard!!!),me and this other friend decided to have a smoke before parting our diff ways.Due to the lack of place and avoiding the prying eyes of people who think its a cardinal sin for women to smoke we sat down somewhere behind a bush..........only it was more of a garbage dump than a bush!!!Never have I done that before!!!!We did move from there(though my friend fussed.One would think she felt quite at home there!!!)And then I saw the strangest sight ever.I've seen people walking dogs but have you ever seen anyone walk a GOAT????!!!I've seen goats being led to the slaughter but I have never seen a goat on a leash!!!!!My dear god!!!!I could not believe my eyes!!!Has to be the weirdest thing ever.Needless to say the two of us couldnt stop laughing(me and my friend not me n the goat!!!) and I thought I must write about it.If anyone has had a similar experience please do tell!!!Maybe such things happen outside Jodhpur park too!!!

i hate people who are fake.....everyday i encounter atleast a handful.Why i ask?why do you have to be fake?for that matter why are people mean unnecessarily?and if you have to be mean why resort to silly methods of bitching behind people's backs?I mean if you are going to talk badly about someone have the bloody balls to do it in front of the person u want to bitch about.Personally if someone came and insulted me on my face I'd respect the person more and take him/her as a worthy adversary.Insteat if you bitch about me behind my back and expect me not to find out,thats just stupid.Trust me if i had even an ounce of respect for you despite disliking you,thats just gone.I'm not gonna be a hypocrite and say i dont bitch about people but atleast i dont make the effort to be overtly nice to them either.I generally avoid them and make civil conversation with them when they make the 1st move.I know of so many people as of now who dislike me and yet are so nice n sweet......disgusting!!!!I have been yelled at,abused and cursed in broad daylight on the road.....and believe i have to hand it to the gal who did so.It takes guts to come upto someone and tell them exactly what you think of them.Make no mistake....I dislike this particular female in question and wouldn't mind giving her a bloody nose but yes hats off to her to have been able to tell me on my face.
It's the chiddi chors i absolutely loathe.Why pretend?What on earth do you get out of it?A friend of mine asked one fine day "why cant people just be nice?" Such an innocent question but tell me honestly can anyone answer it.It takes all kinds to make up the world i told him.And then we both agreed that with harami people one just has to be harami.Personally I'd try being nice initially but then when i see its futile and im gonna get screwed over then full force e harami hoye jete hoy.It's for people like these who get a kick out of others miseries and being mean that some people just become stoics,cold and dont let anything affect them-good or bad.I know what thats like....been there myself.But it's like losing a part of yourself.A part of you just dies and thats just sad.Why for these insensitive bastards should the genunely nice ones suffer??If you forget how to feel,how to trust others,how to love another.....where will this world go to?

Shubho naba barsha.....
How funny it is to have to saw happy new year twice in a year.....but festivities are what i live for!!!!of course today loads of people have been known to say shubho bijoya instead of naba barsho......somehow after shubho,bijoya just comes naturally.everyone wishes each other luck and joy,children do pranam and get paid(wonderful way to make a quick buck!!!),you eat brilliant grub,meet friends,wear new clothes.....the niceties just never end.
Thats probably why i love that entire period from October till Feb.....starting with birthdays,anniversaries,Durga Pujo,Kali Pujo,Diwali,Christmas,New Year and yet more birthdays........thats just one big party......except for the 3 odd weeks of exams.Somehow I've seen I get happier,everything seems to glow,friends become nicer,parents become more understanding,love blooms,and boy does alcohol start to flow as do the endless parties.Even more miraculously at this time of year I seem to be pretty rich.......damn why is it just the middle of april???!!! ami fun korte chai.......a diff kind of fun that is.......but I love this anticipatory period as well!!!!!Just waiting for the festivities to start.....waiting for the leaves to fall,day to turn to night quicker,a slight chill settling in.....yet giving you that warm glow inside.......

Amidst a very perfect world,
Sat a girl lost and troubled.
She thought she had figured it all out,
From her smile, laugh, frown and pout.
But something eluded her she knew
Something which sometimes made her blue.
But the little girl hung on to her hope,
Amidst the sex, booze and dope.
Someday she would be rescued she believed,
Taken far away into the world where joy lived.
Endless happiness, fun and laughter,
A place where no tear would fall.....a land of ever after.
Who it would be she didn't know,
Who'd take her where the wind always does blow.
A place where she could be a child,
Be innocent, small, gentle and mild.
Did a place like that even exist?
Did a person like that even exist?
Would she ever find them?
Would they always elude her?
So amidst a very imperfect world
She sat waiting lost and troubled.......

so then i decided that i'll try to be like the other bloggers around n blog regularly.....its like freakin community im not even aware of and whats sadder is that im neither a blogger nor a non blogger.....in other words na ghar ka na ghat ka.so a healthy change should be welcome......
lookin bak at the last one year spent in JU im still feel so new....that excitement hasnt gone out at all for me.there is still a spring in my step when i leave to find an auto for college!and in the last year i've made so many discoveries.....made new friends.....developed a love for 29.....my entire taste in music has been altered(wh is a good thing....how much longer could i have kept hearin boyzone!!!!!hehehehe!!!!nah am a lil better than that!!!)......i've actually grown as a person n become wiser.once you step into that world of JU you really need to watch your step....that place can either make you or break you.....its what you choose to imbibe is the imp thing.you get sucked into that lethargic JU atmosphere of cholche cholbe,pore dekhe nebo which will fuck your case!!!!!!!!!i may not be the most ideal student of JUDE but atleast this much I have fathomed and have started watchin out.not only the entire environment literally but the people in it too.influences are always presnt in life but its upto us to deiced whether we want to be influenced or not.that suckin power is passed onto the people and its so magnetic that you cant resist.people will tell you what the cool way to live is,will tell you dont worry and chill...life's all a good in JU but they lie........they live under the misconception that its a walk in the park.and then there are those who dont say a thing but quietly watch and smile..........choice is yours.....where do you fit in???if you ask me i really dont know....maybe its too soon to say anythin....i've got another 4 years to go.....maybe at the end of that i'll be a lot less confused and a lot smarter......and not try to fool the system,the people and especially not fool myself.......